5 recent dumb products

Five products we recently discovered – and why our diarist thinks that their amusement value is higher than their usefulness quotient.

by The Diarist | thediarist@themetrognome.in

The world functions in extremes: if you have reason, you will also have irrationality. If there’s empathy, there is tremendous intolerance. If there is an Amitabh Bachchan, there is also a Shakti Kapoor.

And if there are chaddi-shaped diapers that are easy to wear (for your kid, that is), there are also stringy, complex bikinis that require forceps to get one out of. Presenting, five dumb products we recently discovered.

1. Clean and Clear Face Wash with bursting beads.
We confess, the only reason we went out in our frayed pyjamas and old man T-shirt to the neighbouring grocer on a Saturday, still too sleepy to notice that we had only one chappal on, was because somewhere in our subconscious minds had registered this face wash’s claim that it was a ‘morning alarm for the skin’. No, we didn’t keep a bottle of this face wash on our bedside tables and set it for 8 a.m. the next morning. Since our skin is perpetually oily, we bought the green apple variant (there is also lemon and berry).

Dumbness quotient: 4/5. Not only is the face wash nowhere close to waking up the user’s skin, it has the consistency of kachcha sugar syrup, so it flows out like nobody’s business when the bottle is tilted. And don’t even get us started on the bursting beads. It took some determined squeezing to get any of the beads to burst, and when they did, our palm was a graveyard of what looked like flattened pieces of green clay. Plus, one bead lodged itself firmly in our fingernail. Grrr.

2. Dove Face Wash
We normally like Dove products, especially their shampoos and conditioners. So we were really confident about their new face wash, considering that their soaps do exactly as they say: ‘Clean the skin without drying it.’ But alas! Whatay shock we were in for.

Dumbness quotient: 5/5. While Clean and Clear face wash made a prat of itself with its bursting beads that did not burst without a fight, Dove went the other extreme with a face wash that stripped our face of every bit of moisture, oil, and we suspect, our epidermis. We came out of the bath looking like heavily botoxed versions of ourselves, our face an endlessly taut expanse of shocked, dry skin.

3. Pepsodent Expert Protection toothpaste
All toothpastes are supposedly the ultimate solution to all dental woes. While one promises to keep your mouth germ-free for 12 hours, never mind that you had a gazillion cups of very sweet coffee in a day, apart from not rinsing your mouth after lunch, another promised to be sugar-free to give you good health (we’re still figuring this one out).

Then Pepsodent came out with a winner. No, they did not replace brand ambassador Shah Rukh Khan with somebody less annoying. They brought out a toothpaste that combined three dental cleaning functions in one tube of superhuman paste: it cleans, flosses (!) and finishes as a mouthwash. Given that it can floss as well, this toothpaste is so intelligent, it can easily be mistaken for a smartphone. This toothpaste is the shit. This toothpaste is the Chuck Norris of toothpastes.

Dumbness quotient: 4/5. Even the ad for this product is dumb. We mean, COME ON. Showing an entire army of people brushing, flossing and using mouthwash to illustrate the ideal sequence of events in oral hygiene is too much. It is presumptious and insulting to the point of being a Rohit Shetty film. Also, we took issue with how the toothpaste knows exactly how to follow this sequence. We mean, what if it flosses before it cleans? Or if it forgets to activate the mouthwash component in it? The paste itself was not bad, but then, it was only glitzier and better packaged than the other Pepsodent toothpastes on sale.

4. Hafele Single Pull Out Electric-Open Waste Bin
What a great idea this is! Nudge it and it opens. Hit it and it opens. Your dog sniffs at it and it opens. Soon, warming up to this game, it opens when you merely look in its direction.

Dumbness quotient: 5/5. We love it! Not. It’s all very well to have your kachre ka dabba let itself be pushed around so blatantly, but it drove us nearly up the wall to have it open even when we were trying to open something else. And, correct us if we’re wrong, but don’t most dog owners spend half their lifetimes thinking up new ways to keep their dogs away from the garbage pail? This product can also divert the most bored child, but do you really want your toddler to be able to get his hands
into garbage that easily? (pic shows the foot pedal variant)

5. Parachute Advansed Hot Oil
This is not a new product, but Parachute has recently started advertising it again in earnest. This oil takes away the effort of actually warming your hair oil before massaging it on to your head. It works on the assumption that friction will cause the oil to warm up and thus seep into the scalp faster.

Dumbness quotient: 5/5. The oil did not warm up at all. Come to think of it, we’ve never heard of self-warming oils. It has a pleasant fragrance, but that’s about it. Disappointed that no warming occurred even after a thorough massage, we gave it a second chance and warmed it over our gas stove and used it twice a week for a month. After all, it contains hibiscus and stuff. After a month of diligent usage, we were still shedding the same amount of hair. After being really excited about using this oil and then finding that it does nothing useful, we gained a new perspective into the story of the Emperor with the new clothes.

The Diarist is a product junkie, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are too. If you’ve noticed any new products worth looking into, write to thediarist@themetrognome.in.