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Why senior citizens must keep mentally active

Writing, trading on shares online…there is nothing that a senior citizen cannot learn to keep alert and in prime wellness.
by Nagesh Kini

The rapidly changing dynamics of the population profile have resulted in an increasing addition of elders, those in the 60+ age bracket.

This has brought about the urgent need to seek the active participation of these presently mentally and physically stable senior men and women into the main stream of the society. Not doing this can make them prey to debilitating ailments like Alzheimer’s, dementia, Parkinson’s, vertigo, spondylitis, diabetes, cardiac conditions, strokes, hypertension, and vision and hearing losses, among many others. Their consequences can be minimised by preventing the feelings of isolation and marginalisation by making them independent and fruitful members of society, by changing social attitudes to keep themselves mentally alert to keep potential serious neurological disorders at bay.

It is essential for those after 60 to keep both mentally and physically agile rather than succumb to lifestyle diseases. According to a recent study published by the reputed British Medical Journal, The Lancet, physical inactivity or peoples’ failure to spend at least 150 minutes a week doing moderate exercise such as brisk walking for 30 minutes five days a week is responsible for 5.3m of the 57m deaths globally. This causes about 6 to 10% of major non-communicable diseases including coronary heart diseases and type 2 Diabetes.

Another team from Brigham & Women’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School estimated the global impact of physical inactivity by calculating population attributable factors – or how much of the diseases could theoretically be prevented if people were sufficiently active both mentally and physically if inactivity decreased by 10-25% translates to 533,000 and 1.3m deaths potentially averted worldwide. Life expectancy could rise by 0.68 years if physically eliminated.

Post-retirement activities – both mental and physical – can go a long way in retirees maintaining their own mental equilibrium by contributing to wellbeing of the society at large. They can contribute their valuable hands-on experiences in profession and industry and provide vital intellectual inputs.

These days one of the most intellectually stimulating mental activities is writing by contributing to columns in publications of repute. This requires the writer to undertake deep study of the subject both on and off-line and keeps the brain busy by keeping constantly updated on the subject before putting the matter in print.

Writing is an extremely low cost, challenging and stimulating exercise. It can take place in the confines of one’s home. It just involves accessing facts and figures on-line and putting flesh on to the skeleton to bring out a well authored output that can initiate mind-boggling debates from readers far and wide. Writing can be financially rewarding, too – publications these days do remunerate columnists handsomely.

Writing need not necessarily be on professional issues; one can even write, among others on matters of common interests like hobbies, spirituality, food, nature and health, like benefits of walking!

Being basic computer literate can go a long way for the elders in helping their writing forays. It no longer requires putting down the matter in long hand and then having to transcribe it on a typewriter to manually post the hardcopy. All that one does is to punch a few keys to put it down in the Word format – edit, add, delete and amend the matter at will and mail it across. And hey presto you’ve conveyed your thoughts miles across! More and more senior citizens have become computer savy and learnt to keep in touch on Skype not only with their offspring, grandchildren and siblings, friends and even distant relations staying in the other end of the world at any hour of the day. I have a 75-year-old aunt at Bengaluru who picked up computer skills from her granddaughter and now merrily trades online – making a lot of money in the bargain!  This helps get her over loneliness by keeping in touch just punching the keys sitting at home all the time!

A happy retirement with activities like writing can make for a lot of difference to prevent isolation and loneliness!

Nagesh Kini is a Mumbai based chartered accountant-turned-activist. ‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.samopportunities.in. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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My father loves me for my money

This woman’s father has been abusive, biased towards her older brother and refuses to let her get married. A personal account.
As told to Reyna Mathur

Every child loves his parents. I grew up loving my mother and father, listening to their every instruction, sometimes getting admonished when I got into scrapes. But I have been told that I was an unusually obedient child, in sharp contrast to my naughty older brother.

But very early in life, I began to see signs of biased behaviour of my parents towards my brother and I. As the older child, he got all the new things – school books, school bag, toys, pens and pencils, art materials, the list goes on. While I always contended with hand-me-downs. I remember being envious of my classmates even at a very young age: their new books and shiny compass boxes would make me really jealous. I remember hating the tattered school textbooks and stationery passed on to me after my brother was done with them. “You can use your brother’s things, why should we waste more money?” my parents would say. Any time I asked for anything new, I got it after much pleading and only after my parents were certain that my brother didn’t already have it.

But they would quickly give in when he demanded anything. I realised early on that they viewed buying new things for me as a “waste of money”.

As I grew up, I began to see that my father was more biased towards me than my mother was. My grades were never good enough, I was “a burden” on him, I was too dull witted to ever make a good marriage, I was nothing compared to my smart, A-Grade student brother. It later turned out that my mother’s second pregnancy had been an accident, and that my parents had been bitterly disappointed that I had been born a girl. I was crushed when I learnt this. It was an important lesson in how parents can view their own children – being a girl, my parents were worried about the future expenses of marrying me off. Though that prospect was years away, my father kept reminding me of it whenever he got the chance. When I was selecting courses for college, I was told to apply for Arts because that was a cheaper option. I had wanted to pursue the Commerce stream, but my father said that he would have to enrol me for tuition classes that were very expensive.

Let me put it this way: I am not a good-looking woman. I have always been slightly overweight, I suffer from bad skin and I had persistent digestive problems as a child. To this day, my father totals up the money spent on my treatment. There was a point when my Std 7 class teacher sent me to the school psychologist because she realised I was battling low self esteem. The sessions helped a little, but my father refused to come meet the doctor.

I channeled my energies into writing and dramatics. In college, I was part of a drama group and we even toured other cities once as part of our college’s theatre initiative for youth. After college, I chanced upon a job for a teacher at a private school. I have been a teacher for almost 10 years now. The work is fulfilling and I make very good money from private tuitions.

That should have been my happy ending – but it was not. My parents’ laadla son now works in Gurgaon and parts with only a tiny amount of his salary. Whereas I, still living with my parents, have taken up the burden of my home. Ever since I started earning, my father’s attitude towards me changed. He became more friendly, more open to discussing the house problems. He is very direct when it comes to asking for money, and I don’t grudge him. He has come up from a very humble background so money is important to him. He is also retired so he is worried about his financial future.

But he refuses to let me marry. Every time there is a marriage proposal, he fobs off the match with some silly excuse. “The boy is too dark…he is settled abroad, we don’t want you to go far away…the boy is not earning too much money…” At first I was perplexed. Most of these matches were perfectly good ones, they were prospects suggested by friends and relatives. So when I pestered my mother for an explanation, she finally burst out, “What will happen to us when you get married?”

She regretted opening her mouth the moment she said the words. My father didn’t say anything but the fact that he would not meet my eyes was proof enough of what my mother said. My parents expect me to be single because they are worried about their future. God knows they cannot depend on their son. I have assured them both that I will continue supporting the house wherever I may be, but my father says, “What if your husband does not allow it?”

After years of relegating second status to me, why are they still forcing me to stay single? I am currently in a relationship but my father refuses to let me get married, saying “You cannot have a love marriage, I will not allow it.”

It is a matter of minutes for me to step out of the house forever and get settled, but then I worry: What about my parents once I leave the house? Will it make me a bad daughter?

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.katherinebdobson.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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My mother waits for a son who only wants her money

My brother calls my parents only to ask when they are selling their house. Otherwise, he’s not in touch with them.
by A Concerned Sister

I have always been proud of my brother. He was always the smart one in the family, he always got the high grades and did well in sports, too. Growing up, he was everything a girl asks for in a brother – he was protective of me, he would help me with my studies, rat me out if I got into a mischief and then defend me if my parents scolded me…he was an excellent older brother. His biggest ambition was to go abroad and settle there.

Then one day he got his wish: he got a job in the UK. And slowly he forgot all of us.

It started gradually. His phone calls tapered off. He was never one to keep in touch, so it seemed normal. My mother would keep calling him, and he would answer probably one of 20 calls. Then he would tell her he would call when he was free, that there was too much work at the office (he is a systems analyst). When the call would come, it would be perfunctionary. My mother would be hurt and puzzled, but she would still call him the next day. I explained that international calls were expensive, maybe that was the reason…she was quick to understand, as all mothers are.

But his contact with me was also tapering off. He would reply with a quick ‘Ha ha’ if I texted him a joke. He never texted anything himself. When I would ask him when he would visit India, he would reply that it was too soon yet.

One day he called me to say he was getting married. He had already told my parents that he was in need of money. Now he asked my mother, ‘Why don’t you sell the house in Pune?’ My parents had purchased the property many years ago as a retirement home. My mother told him that she and my father would be moving to Pune in a few years. “What for?” My brother said. “You are used to living in Mumbai, how can you live anywhere else? You should sell the house.”

He further added that the house proceeds could be deposited in his account. He reasoned that my parents had no other sons, so there was no question of giving the property to anyone else. My mother had to remind him that he still had a sister. For a long time, he could not understand why my parents would leave anything for me.

Then he called my father and made the same demand. Sell the house, send me the money, I need it urgently, I am getting married, I need to buy a house here…He had been living in with a Portuguese woman and they were tying the knot in three months. When my father said that selling the house was impossible, he snapped, “Fine. Don’t help me. I will figure out what to do.”

He has not been in touch with us since.

My mother is desperate to see him. It has been over four years since he moved to the UK, and he has never come here. When she broached the subject last, he was angry. “You people don’t know how expensive it is here,” he told her. “I cannot even afford to send you flight tickets!” When she said we would pay for our tickets, he was even more angry. “There’s no need for that. Later you will tell everybody that I didn’t even send you tickets,” he said.

As always, my mother understands. But she is hurt that he is not answering her calls. Louella says he is going to Geneva on a six-month assignment later this year – he has not informed us. My mother requested her to make a short visit here during Diwali, and she has said she will ask her husband. There has been no reply on that either.

I wonder when my brother drifted apart from all of us. When he began to give preference to career and money over his own family. I am getting married early next year so I invited my brother and Louella. She sent her best wishes. I worry about my parents. My father is stoic enough for both of them, but my mother waits and waits for a call from distant shores. The call never comes. If it does, it is from Louella. My brother is not on social media, so there is no way to contact him there.

My mother is now worried that she will never be able to see her grandchildren, that her own son might not even inform her that he has a child. I fear that he will deeply regret his actions when my parents are gone. He is too caught up in making money, and my parents’ refusal to sell their Pune house has blinded him to the many things they have done for him. But later, he will feel remorse about giving preference to money over parents.

I am baffled by his behaviour. If he is worried about something, he should share it. If any of us has offended him, he should share that also. This continuous silence is hurtful. Why does he not realise that my parents need to keep in touch with him, even if he doesn’t feel that need? I seem to have lost my older brother. It breaks my heart to know that my parents are losing their son.

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy dreamstime.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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My son doesn’t want me to marry again

Hirendra Sampat is 64, divorced and wants to get married. But his son doesn’t approve. What is to be done?
As told to Vrushali Lad

He says he is ’embarassed’ that I am thinking of ‘such horrible things’ at my age. He says he will leave me and never come back to check on me if I insist on doing what I wish to do. Even my daughter-in-law has been giving me strange looks for a few days now. They think I am being perverted, obscene.

I want to get married.

My wife and I parted ways after 15 years of marriage. We parted amicably – a few months after we were married, she told me that she had been in love with somebody else. I had been, too. My parents had opposed my affair with a girl from college. So in that sense, both my wife and I were in the same boat. We were married to each other because our parents wished it so. But though we were never completely happy with each other, we were never cold or cruel to each other. She managed the home well, I earned enough money for our family. We had a son after two years of marriage.

Then one day she decided to separate from me. I did not stop her. I think my son holds that against me, that I allowed the divorce to go through. Though I got custody of my son, I never stopped my wife from visiting us often, she was even welcome to come and stay whenever she felt like it. She now lives in Bangalore with her sister.

In the last two years, I met a lady at the local library where I have been a member for over 20 years. I had never seen her before, though I learnt later that she was also a member for many years. She and I were looking for a copy of the same book that had not yet been returned. We started talking to each other, exchanging notes on the books we had come to return that day. I asked her when she came to the library, she said, ‘Every Monday, if possible’. The next Monday I went to the library again. And every Monday after that.

She is a wonderful person – outgoing, warm, unattached. We share a common love for books and gardening. I want to get married to her, so I proposed and she said yes. But when I told my son this, all hell broke loose at home.

“How can you think of all these things at your age?” he asked. “Everybody will laugh. Are you so young that you think you will get married at this age?” He is disgusted that I am thinking of having sex at my age and bringing a woman into the house.

It has been three months since I told him about my plans. My fiancee says, “Be patient. He will come around.” I worry that he won’t. His life is set with a wife and small child. It does not occur to him that I need a companion, too.

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or leagl information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.oratechsolve.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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I have two children but I’m still alone

Aniket Sahastrabuddhe writes about being ‘banished’ to his brother’s home after refusing to will his Mumbai house to his children.
As told to Reyna Mathur

You read about these things in the papers, you hear stories of such incidents from neighbours and friends, but you never imagine it would happen to you.

I have two children, both are daughters. Like any father, I raised them with love and did not leave them wanting. At times, my wife would scold me for spoiling them with too many gifts, sometimes too much pocket money. But they are the centre of my world. Since the time both of them were born, they have been the most important people in the world to me.

I gave them a good education in Mumbai, got them married to the partners of their choice with full pomp and ceremony. My older daughter is a Chartered Accountant with a prominent law firm in Mumbai, and the younger one is a lawyer with a thriving private practice. Our home in Andheri was a three bedroom apartment with every modern amenity. Whatever my wife and kids wanted, I always tried to provide.

My wife passed away very suddenly when she had gone to visit her sister in Bangalore. She had never had a heart ailment, but one morning, she just collapsed and died. This was 10 years ago. My daughters were already married and I had just wound up my business (his company supplied parts for mobile phones and computers; he ran three factories and an office in Mumbai) and was looking forward to a quiet retirement with her. Then she was gone and I was left alone in our house.

Everything was great, at first

My daughters rallied around and took care of me at first. I had never learnt how to cook or clean, but after my wife’s death, I started learning a few basic recipes. My kids would also come with their husbands and bring food and groceries, sometimes they would stay over for weeks. I missed my wife but I was happy to know that I had a strong support system.

Then one day, my younger son-in-law suggested that I come live with them. ‘Your house is too big for one person, how will you maintain it?’ he kept asking. What he said made sense. But this was my home. I had bought it when I had nothing, and it had given us so much in return. I refused to move at first. Then my older daughter chimed in, saying that I should stay with them. ‘If you like, you can live with Sai (the younger daughter) and me in turns. Just don’t live here alone. We worry about you,’ she said.

Finally, with a heavy heart, I agreed to this arrangement. I locked up the house and moved to my older daughter’s home in Goregaon.

Then it happened

It was a big adjustment on my part because I had just vacated a large home for my daughter’s small one. But I made my peace with that. I even started helping her around the house. I would get groceries, play with her toddler son (she also has an older daughter), clean up the house when the domestic help didn’t come. I would stay with her for six months, then spend six months with my younger daughter. It was an arrangement I began to get used to, though I had zero privacy and no space of my own.

After a year, both my daughters and their husbands held a family meeting and asked to speak with me. I was literally bombarded from all sides. ‘You should sell your house and live with us,’ they kept saying. ‘You can get a handsome amount of money when you sell. You can split that money equally in three parts (one for myself, one each for my daughters) and we can continue this arrangement,’ they insisted.

I was insulted to note that they had spoken about this without my consent, and that they had assumed that I would sell off the home and give them money. My wife and I had already decided that our house would be sold only after both of us were dead, and through a legal arrangement. My plan was to sell the house, and donate the proceeds towards building our family home in Konkan. My brother currently takes care of the Konkan property.

When I refused to sell, gently at first and then firmly, my daughters’ behaviour changed completely. They called me selfish. They said I did not care for their monetary troubles, ‘which had increased ever since I started living with them’. They even accused me of never caring for them, and only being interested in money all my life. After an entire life spent trying to give them every comfort they desired, this was what they thought of me.

Banished from home

Their behaviour convinced me that I should not leave anything to them. My wife and I created our life from nothing, and so should our children. We did not get home, money or cars from our parents. Whatever I have today, I have worked hard for it. I have already given them everything they needed. Why should my children think that they are entitled to everything I own?

When they realised that they would not be getting any of the house proceeds, both my daughters firmly told me that I could no longer live with them. I was told to go ‘live with my brother’ since I cared more about him. The last straw was when I went to my house in Andheri and found that the locks had been changed. I left from there immediately, bought a bus ticket for Pune and went to my brother’s house. I am living here for the past eight months.

The house is in contention

I do not have the will to fight my daughters. Their selfishness has completely demoralised me. My brother tells me to solve the issue of my Andheri home. But I have no option apart from going to court. However, I am scared of how they will treat me when I come face to face with them. I am meeting my lawyer in Mumbai and hopefully I will solve the problem of the house soon.

I now spend my days wondering what I did wrong in trying to decide what I should do with something that is rightfully mine.

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.indiatimes.com. Image is used for representational purpose only. Mr Sahastrabuddhe was uncomfortable about sharing his photograph for this story)

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If Piku was a man…

What if ‘Piku’ had been the father’s story, and if the protagonist was a man? Does the story play out differently?
Pooja Birwatkarby Dr Pooja Birwatkar

Piku released recently to an almost unanimous vote of approval from audiences. The story of a daughter fast approaching middle age taking care of her hypochondriac old father while juggling personal problems and a career, made for an engrossing subject. While tracing the nuances of the father-daughter bond, the film made an angel out of the distressed daughter caught in two worlds, courtesy her difficult father.

As per Indian standards, Piku should have been married and settled in life, raising her kids. However, Piku is ‘deprived’ of this set pattern of life as her life’s focal point becomes her difficult and demanding father. All sympathies are bestowed on Piku as some sort of ‘victim’ who suffers a trail of misfortunes. Out of all this, the biggest point to stand out was that Piku is a girl. A girl of marriageable age who has ‘compromised’ on life for the duties she has taken upon herself.

While the film’s makers may have given a nod to gender equality by making the protagonist a woman and not a man, yet the way the ‘sacrifice’ was highlighted did not celebrate the equality of sexes. If Piku had been a man, there would have been no discussion on his marriage and sexual needs. There would be no dialogues about Piku’s virginity (she talks about her sexual needs as well). We wouldn’t think the man was making a sacrifice – rather we would take him to task for not taking care of his vulnerable parent. Piku’s pains would be his duties. Oddly enough, we cannot picture the girl Piku bringing home a husband who lives with her father and shares their daily struggles. Even her father does not give her this liberty. A man in her place enjoys the privilege of bringing home a wife who would look after his parents, while men are not expected to do so for their wives’ parents.

Elders in IndiaWe find many Pikus in our metros. Why is this? If we look at life from the standpoint of her father, we would discover many ugly truths about life in the metros. While it is true that Piku’s father is an extreme hypochondriac, there wasn’t anything very unusual about the way he behaves. Each of us has this sort of senior in our homes, neighborhood and even extended families.

A typical couple in Mumbai goes through the expected struggles of setting up home and fulfilling all their dreams. Their entire life passes by in the pursuit of these goals. Finally, they retire to the peaceful confines of home and solitude, thinking of what might have been. In their golden years, loneliness silently creeps in and becomes the sole companion of their grey years.

Many aged people behave just like Piku’s father – they become maniacal about their health as they age, overly critical, and always apprehensive about their future. Though the film shows this behaviour as ‘selfish’, there is an empathetic note to be taken here is that severity of this behaviour can be linked to the lack of confidence one has about the smooth transition to old age and death.

While health scares, medical expenses, lack of care providers all plague our senior citizens, the biggest scare is that of being left alone. Are we doing enough to make Mumbai a blissful retiring space for our elderly? If not, why not? Are our senior citizens not justified in being overly possessive and critical?  They must think with a shudder of themselves being stuck in an ambulance on a busy road, or dying alone at home while their children pursue their own lives abroad.

When Piku’s father’s dying makes life easier for everyone around, the question remains: what of those who are still alive? Aren’t the elderly justified in wanting to go back to their roots, to be near their loved ones, to be like a child again? We come full circle when we reach old age, reaching for those things we held so dear as children. Understand from the senior’s lens: it is not easy to start losing everything you worked for all your life.

We all took heart from knowing that we are not alone, that we are Pikus too. But spare a thought to the thousands of elderly citizens who are forced to depend on their children in their old age. Maybe we could then think of our parents and elders in a different way.

Dr Pooja Birwatkar is currently pursuing post doctoral research and working in the area of science education. She has been associated with the field of education in the past as a teacher educator, and her area of interest is research in education. 

Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote, or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregivers and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Pictures courtesy zeenews.india.com, healthintelasia.com. Images are used for representational purpose only)

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