Tag: reyna mathur

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5 factors that should decide your home purchase

A lack of choice or awareness makes people buy the best homes in bad localities. Seek the right information about your home first.
by Reyna Mathur

If you are on the lookout for a new home, first tell yourself this: what is on the outside of the home is sometimes more important than what is on the inside.

For, you can always renovate your home and set that leaking ceiling right with expert guidance, but how can you change an unfriendly neighbourhood, or the lack of a grocery store in the vicinity, or your child’s school being 5 kilometres away from home? Hence, it is important to take into account certain factors that should influence your decision to buy or rent a house in a certain locality. These are:

The house itself. You can sense the vibe of a new place the moment you step into the house. The house itself will welcome or repel you, and you may not always be able to explain why. However, go with your instincts – does the house feel right on entering it, or does it have a cold vibe that disconnects with you? Don’t purchase a house just because the price fits your pocket.

Also, examine the house thoroughly when you take a tour. All faucets, electrical appliances, plumbing utilities, etc should be in good condition before you take possession of the house. If you are being short-changed on the maintenance of the house before you move in, you will have to be firm about getting the situation rectified. Else, seek another house that will give you value for the price.

The neighbours. It is not enough to merely fall in love with a house in a certain building, even the neighbourhood should be a good one. Some building societies actively discourage single people or persons of a certain religion from buying or leasing flats, so even if you want a house there and have the money to purchase it, you will not be allowed to (if you fall under these categories). At other times, immediate neighbours are not very welcoming towards new families or couples. Though this cannot be a reason for you to not opt for a dream house, you will have to work extra hard to change your neighbours attitude towards you. If you are the sensitive sort, unfriendly neighbours will cause you unnecessary stress, so examine your own feelings on the subject before you proceed.

The locality. Take a walking tour of the locality where your dream house is located. All grocery shops, the milkman, paper delivery agency, the dhobi and even vegetable vendors should be within walking distance from your house. A chemist shop in the vicinity is an added bonus.

If you are married and have children, find out where the nearest playschool, secondary school and college is. Ideally, your child should be able to walk to school daily instead of relying on transport. If the school or tuition classes are far away, see if the roads are safe for your child to ride a bicycle or scooter on.

Entertainment spaces. People don’t just come home from work and sit in front of their TV sets, though a large number of people actually do that. However, it may be because Mumbai does not have too many open spaces or gardens where people can hang out in for recreation. Explore the area and be on the lookout for open grounds and gardens where you and your family can unwind after a hard day’s work. Alternately, look for the nearest shopping mall to spend an evening in watching a movie or just chilling with the family. Besides this, there should be a public library, a DVD renting library, a good restaurant and spaces for you to hang out with people our own age, such as a book club or cooking class. These spaces are most important, especially if your house itself is quite small – you might not enjoy being cooped up at home always.

Well maintained emergency utilities. This is hardly a consideration for many people, but in Mumbai, where building collapses and fires are imminent; there have been many cases where fire brigade tenders have been unable to enter narrow access lanes to provide assistance in a disaster. When you make a tour of the property, walk around the building to see if the society has ramps for fire brigade trucks, a service staircase in good condition, a well maintained front access road, and a functioning fire lift and apparatus in the building. Examine if the building lifts are in good condition. The absence of any of these amenities should instantly raise a red flag in your mind.

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Why I was happy when my mother married again

Deep Shrivastava’s mother, Anuja, was widowed at a very young age. Today, she is married and lives in the UK.
As told to Reyna Mathur

My mother is the picture of happiness today – she has good health, a loving husband, a close circle of friends. At 66, she is doing all the things she never had the time or money for earlier. She travels, has a reading club, goes to the park for Tai Chi, even takes a baking class for the neighbourhood children.

This is not the story of a retired woman finally finding the time to enjoy her life. My mother, Anuja, got married for the second time five years ago. Her husband, Prashant, is settled in the UK and runs a small restaurant near their home. I lost my own father, Sushil, when I was about five years old. He had a heart attack on his way back from work one day and died in the train before he could get help. My mother was left to look after me, without an income and no skills that could get her a job.

It is safe to say that my childhood passed in relative poverty. My parents had not saved up too much money, and the expenses were mounting up. I remember seeing very little of my mother in those days…always a great cook, she would take catering orders for parties and weddings. She was always out of the house, even on Sundays, when other mothers would be at home with their kids. I was mostly brought up by my grandparents while my mother worked all the time. If she didn’t have orders, she would take home cooking classes.

I have seen her struggle to raise me, never once refusing to buy me something I wanted even when she had little money. She gave me a great education, a good life at home, even started saving up for my wedding…but she was unhappy. She rarely smiled – I used to think it was because she was tired from working all the time. But it was something else. I realised my mother was in love…

She met Prashant when she was catering for his nephew’s engagement party. They were instantly drawn to each other – he had never married and was not looking for a relationship. Neither was she, because she had a son at home and a house that needed her. But there were sparks, and for the two weeks he was in India, they would meet every day.

I had just started working at the time. My grandfather had already told me about the situation. It turned out that Prashant did not want to be married, and she was keen on marriage. I convinced my grandpa to call him home. It was the sweetest thing watching my mother bring her boyfriend home to meet her parents! I don’t know what my grandparents said to him, but two months later, Prashant proposed to my mother and she accepted.

I had kept a cheerful face throughout and participated with gusto during the wedding ceremony in Mumbai. But as she walked through the gates at the airport to fly to her new home, the tears started to fall down my face. My mother, my saviour, my hero…she was finally about to discover happiness after working all her life for me. As she turned back for a last look, I saw that she was crying too…and then she smiled through her tears.

Deep Shrivastava is a chartered accountant based in Pune. ‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy silverinnings.blogspot.com. Image used for representational purpose only)

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Wellness

How to detox after Diwali binge eating

Sweets, colas, staying up late…all of these combine to wreak havoc on your system. Here’s how you detox and cleanse.
by Reyna Mathur

Diwali is a time for revelry, for meeting up with friends and eating sweets and namkeen food. We tell ourselves that the festival comes by just once a year, so it’s okay to let go and indulge our taste buds. While that is certainly fine once a year, your body needs some help cleansing itself once the festivities are over.

An excess of sugar may cause a hormonal imbalance, spike your blood sugar and blood pressure, cause mood swings and mess up your digestion. It further causes more cravings for sweet and fried food. Some people continue binging on sweets way after Diwali is over. It is time to rid the body of the excess sugar and regain good health. Here’s how:

1. Tank up on fluids.

Water is your #1 rescuer in these situations. It flushes out excess toxins and helps the kidneys eliminate sugar from the system. Start the day with a glass of warm water, mix the juice of half a lemon in it. Have this on an empty stomach. Have another glass after lunch and dinner. Additionally, keep sipping water throughout the day. Even green tea will work wonders in flushing out sugar.

2. Go raw.

Help your system relax by giving it a break from fried, processed food. Instead, stock up on raw fruit and vegetables. These will provide essential nutrients and fibre to aid the digestive process. Any metabolic disorders caused by excess sugar will also be balanced with this diet. The key is to include a variety of coloured vegetables in your diet for at least two consecutive days. Stay away from white rice, colas, maida and other processed foods.

3. Go for a walk.

Walking or any other physical exercise will make you sweat, get your heart racing and increase blood flow to the organs. In turn, this will the digestive system working better to eliminate sugars and toxins. Sugar also tends to harm the skin and hair – brisk exercise will correct these problems.

4. Nap less.

The idea is to rev up your metabolism, so avoid activities that make you sluggish. The excess sugar in your system will make you sleepy, but avoid taking naps right after eating or while sitting at your desk. Similarly, satisfy a sugar craving with a sweet fruit such as date or grapes. Walk around the neighbourhood after a meal to keep your brain alert.

5. Go for a body massage.

A trained masseur can help the body flush out toxins through a combination of acupressure and essential oil massage. It will also help calm your nerves after hectic partying and put you in a better frame of mind to adopt a healthier diet and exercise in your daily regimen.

(Picture courtesy www.bbcgoodfood.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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Deal with it

How to make a good impression at work

You don’t need to suck up to the boss. Healthy work habits, promptness and good manners will get you far.
by Reyna Mathur

Shashwati Agarwal (33) vividly remembers her first job at a magazine office in Bangalore. “As an editorial assistant, I had to ensure that all functions in the office happened smoothly, nobody’s work got held up due to scheduling mistakes, all advertisement dummies came in at the right time. I was also in charge of ensuring smooth production.” She says the biggest compliment came from her boss, who called her when Shashwati was on a month-long break owing to an illness. “My boss said, ‘We can’t handle this without you. Please come back soon!’” she laughs.

All of us crave for approval and confirmation that we are doing our jobs so right that the office will suffer if we are not there. But the practical reality is that nobody is indispensable at the workplace – if you quit today, the office will simply replace you and work will go on as before. However, there are always a few employees who are so impressive at the office that when they decide to quit, the management normally tries to talk them out of it. Contrast this with other employees, whose resignations are accepted at once. This means that the former are doing something that the latter are not.

Here’s how you can come close to being indispensable at the office:

Always be ahead of schedule. If you are in charge of a certain task which has to be completed in a week, start on it the moment the assignment is given to you. People make the mistake of starting work at the last minute and then handing in shoddy work. If you give yourself enough time to work out your assignment, your focus will be greater and the quality will be top notch – a sure way to get noticed. If you are in charge of a regular task, ensure that you are ready with the final product before deadline.

Cultivate good manners. Always be ready with a smile and a genuine compliment for colleagues and your immediate seniors. Your composure will be tested in times of stressful high-pressure situations, so handle yourself with dignity and calmness. If you find a colleague panicking over an issue, try to calm them down and offer assistance. If you see your boss looking tired or stressed, tell him or her in a polite, non-intrusive way that you have noticed them looking worried, and that they should let you know if you can help in any way. Extending a helping hand always works, but be genuine in your interactions.

Display initiative. If you have a solution to a problem, don’t be afraid to offer it. Many employees don’t offer solutions fearing that others will think they are showing off, or that it will annoy the boss if they speak out of turn. Unless you are being brash and arrogant about it, there is no harm in revealing that you have something to say. Make your point and don’t gloat if your suggestions are taken on board, and don’t sulk if they are not. You are not there to display one-upmanship; you are there to work with a team. Don’t try to stand out in a group and never claim credit for the group’s success even if it was your hard work and ideas that won them the success.

Be organised. Understand how the office operates on projects, and follow that system religiously. If necessary, add your own tips and tricks to the system to optimise it further. If you are left to work out your own system, start by making progress charts of an ongoing project, and if necessary, tack them on to the soft board at your work station. This brings a semblance of order to the job, especially if it helps you to keep track of all deadlines and summarise the project satisfactorily. Your seniors might adopt this system and you will be credited with introducing it to the office.

Don’t badmouth anyone in the office. Even if your immediate colleague is highly irritating or your boss is irrational, refrain from speaking ill about anybody in the office. Since everybody gossips, the person who doesn’t immediately sticks out and gets noticed by the seniors. Your office management will understand that you are discreet, mature and capable of not giving in to the temptation to gossip.

(Picture courtesy www.morganmckinley.com. Images used for representational purpose only)

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My father loves me for my money

This woman’s father has been abusive, biased towards her older brother and refuses to let her get married. A personal account.
As told to Reyna Mathur

Every child loves his parents. I grew up loving my mother and father, listening to their every instruction, sometimes getting admonished when I got into scrapes. But I have been told that I was an unusually obedient child, in sharp contrast to my naughty older brother.

But very early in life, I began to see signs of biased behaviour of my parents towards my brother and I. As the older child, he got all the new things – school books, school bag, toys, pens and pencils, art materials, the list goes on. While I always contended with hand-me-downs. I remember being envious of my classmates even at a very young age: their new books and shiny compass boxes would make me really jealous. I remember hating the tattered school textbooks and stationery passed on to me after my brother was done with them. “You can use your brother’s things, why should we waste more money?” my parents would say. Any time I asked for anything new, I got it after much pleading and only after my parents were certain that my brother didn’t already have it.

But they would quickly give in when he demanded anything. I realised early on that they viewed buying new things for me as a “waste of money”.

As I grew up, I began to see that my father was more biased towards me than my mother was. My grades were never good enough, I was “a burden” on him, I was too dull witted to ever make a good marriage, I was nothing compared to my smart, A-Grade student brother. It later turned out that my mother’s second pregnancy had been an accident, and that my parents had been bitterly disappointed that I had been born a girl. I was crushed when I learnt this. It was an important lesson in how parents can view their own children – being a girl, my parents were worried about the future expenses of marrying me off. Though that prospect was years away, my father kept reminding me of it whenever he got the chance. When I was selecting courses for college, I was told to apply for Arts because that was a cheaper option. I had wanted to pursue the Commerce stream, but my father said that he would have to enrol me for tuition classes that were very expensive.

Let me put it this way: I am not a good-looking woman. I have always been slightly overweight, I suffer from bad skin and I had persistent digestive problems as a child. To this day, my father totals up the money spent on my treatment. There was a point when my Std 7 class teacher sent me to the school psychologist because she realised I was battling low self esteem. The sessions helped a little, but my father refused to come meet the doctor.

I channeled my energies into writing and dramatics. In college, I was part of a drama group and we even toured other cities once as part of our college’s theatre initiative for youth. After college, I chanced upon a job for a teacher at a private school. I have been a teacher for almost 10 years now. The work is fulfilling and I make very good money from private tuitions.

That should have been my happy ending – but it was not. My parents’ laadla son now works in Gurgaon and parts with only a tiny amount of his salary. Whereas I, still living with my parents, have taken up the burden of my home. Ever since I started earning, my father’s attitude towards me changed. He became more friendly, more open to discussing the house problems. He is very direct when it comes to asking for money, and I don’t grudge him. He has come up from a very humble background so money is important to him. He is also retired so he is worried about his financial future.

But he refuses to let me marry. Every time there is a marriage proposal, he fobs off the match with some silly excuse. “The boy is too dark…he is settled abroad, we don’t want you to go far away…the boy is not earning too much money…” At first I was perplexed. Most of these matches were perfectly good ones, they were prospects suggested by friends and relatives. So when I pestered my mother for an explanation, she finally burst out, “What will happen to us when you get married?”

She regretted opening her mouth the moment she said the words. My father didn’t say anything but the fact that he would not meet my eyes was proof enough of what my mother said. My parents expect me to be single because they are worried about their future. God knows they cannot depend on their son. I have assured them both that I will continue supporting the house wherever I may be, but my father says, “What if your husband does not allow it?”

After years of relegating second status to me, why are they still forcing me to stay single? I am currently in a relationship but my father refuses to let me get married, saying “You cannot have a love marriage, I will not allow it.”

It is a matter of minutes for me to step out of the house forever and get settled, but then I worry: What about my parents once I leave the house? Will it make me a bad daughter?

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.katherinebdobson.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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Divorced, childless…but I got my life together

Girish Mohanty found inner peace after his son’s death and his subsequent divorce. Today, he lives a life of complete contentment.

It is the worst nightmare of any parent’s life – to lose a child. My son, Biplab, was a talented singer and a Grade A student. We moved to Mumbai from Kolkata in the early 1990s, because he wanted to study music and we found an excellent teacher here. My wife, Shoma, and I found jobs here and we lived in a beautiful rented apartment before finding our own home four years later.

Monu – as I called Biplab – fell ill one day. He must have been about 14 years old. He was nauseous, feverish and said his throat was raw. He recovered after resting for a few days, then fell ill again. This time, he developed pain in his joints. Doctors diagnosed it as a form of viral fever. He was better after medication, and there were no further episodes for a few months. Then one day, he fell ill again and became unconscious while playing.

We rushed him to hospital, but he never regained consciousness. The doctors told us it was a form of brain haemorrhage, that his chances of waking up were minimal. They also said that his earlier symptoms had nothing to do with his present condition. They could offer no proper explanation about his illness. My son passed away four days later. He was only 16.

I cannot even remember the months of agony that followed. I think I blanked it out from my mind. What I do remember is that Shoma and I had nothing to say to each other. It seemed like Monu had been our only link to each other for years now. I wonder what couples who lose their children talk about? Most of our conversations were about the house and our son before his death. With him gone, it was like two strangers living in a house.

She developed depression. She blamed herself constantly for the death, she also blamed me. She ranted at me, cried all the time, refused to come to terms with the death. I tried looking after her, but she seemed to have developed hatred towards me. In desperation, I asked her older sister to take her away for a while, so she could recuperate. I also wanted to deal with my own grief, I needed to clear out Monu’s belongings so that I would not go mad at the sight of them. I realised that I was becoming suicidal. My best friend in the city took me to a therapist so that I could talk about my grief. Those sessions helped a lot, but not completely.

Shoma was better at her sister’s house, especially bonding with their pet dog. But slowly I realised that she did not want to return. “I cannot live in that house,” she whispered on the phone. “I think of him constantly…I can’t come back…” I asked her if we should move back to Kolkata, since we had a house there. We tried it for a few months, but we argued constantly. I finally realised that she did not want to be with me – I reminded her of Monu.

Two years later, we were divorced. She continues to live in our home in Kolkata, I send her money for expenses, I call her on her birthday. Meanwhile, I have turned Monu’s room into a study and I take private tuitions for Class 10 students there. Every year, I honour 10 bright but poor students in Monu’s name by paying their school fees. I have found a public garden whose gardener lets me potter about and help him. My friend suggested I get a pet dog, and I did – Kulcha is now two years old and loves to boss me. I go out for drinks with friends, I started a small Internet-based business from home and I can say that I am totally content with my life.

Of course I think of Monu all the time. He would have been in his late 20s today. Some people say that I have been heartless towards Shoma, leaving her alone in Kolkata. But I realised that she needed to grieve alone. Monu was her entire world, and it is my duty to honour her wishes if she wants to process his death in her own way. I would love to have her back in my life and I have told her so. Till she returns, however, I am making the most of my time. I am a senior citizen who is totally alone. But I owe it to myself to be happy and content.

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.huffingtonpost.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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