Tag: pooja birwatkar

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Deal with it

Resolution for Diwali: Stop preparing for imaginary guests

We have so many items stashed away for ‘when guests will come’ that we have forgotten to enjoy our own possessions.
Pooja Birwatkarby Dr Pooja Birwatkar

The pre Diwali mood has already set in all over the city. Everyone is busy sprucing up their homes, cleaning out their wardrobes, throwing out broken items and washing their curtains.

Cleaning is therapeutic for many of us. It is an amusing activity that makes us see how much stuff we have hoarded all year, how many items we had misplaced and overlooked. Diwali cleaning is especially disturbing to those who are compulsive hoarders. Most of us cannot resist sales and bargains, where we buy things in bulk and never even use them.

We also have a strange habit of buying things and then packing them away for ‘future use’. Be it beautiful crockery, bed sheets, towels, carpets, glassware, perfumes, silverware…we don’t use them, but preserve them. Rooted deep in our psyche is the philosophy that all expensive items must be used only for special occasions, when guests arrive. This means that we wait our entire lives for ‘important guests’ to arrive and give us the chance to use our cherished possessions. In the meantime, we sleep on ragged linen, eat in old plates, drink juice in steel containers and use threadbare towels…despite all the excellent stuff we have hidden away, unused.

Then Diwali comes and we realise that our expensive leather bags have wrinkled away, we are too large to fit into that costly dress, mould has gotten into the bedsheets we bought. Life has passed us by while we waited for people to show up.

Our desire to show off to our guests stops us from living for ourselves. We spend all our lives working hard – what stops us from enjoying the fruit of our labour? We base our entire lives on how people will perceive us, and so our material possessions define our reality. If you think about it, our houses in Mumbai are not even large enough to accommodate guests. The guests themselves are too busy to notice that they are wiping their faces on expensive towels or sleeping on silk sheets.

This Diwali, let’s pledge to use all the things we have stacked away. Give away the things that you have not used for over six months. The next time your child wants juice, unpack that beautiful glass tumbler. If you want, unwrap those new sheets when you make your bed today.

Let’s celebrate Diwali for ourselves first.

(Picture courtesy blog.at-home.co.in. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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Bombay, bas

The femininity code: Contrasting Mumbai with Thailand

A recent trip to Thailand opened this Mumbaikar’s eyes as she introspected on the status of women the world over.
Pooja Birwatkarby Dr Pooja Birwatkar

Travelling to foreign places has really become a fashion trend. Thailand, of all such places, seems to be hot favourite among Indian tourists. Almost all my neighbours, family and associates have been to Thailand. Hearing about its popularity, this year we decided to go there as well. The most appealing factor, of course, was that the Indian rupee is not so low in denomination as compared to their currency, so we wouldn’t spend all our time mentally calculating and converting while shopping!

But the trip to Thailand totally shook me up and made me seriously rethink issues that feminists all over the world have been most vocal about. I was cautioned by few people that Thailand was ‘a naughty place’ and so when I travelled there, that adjective ‘naughty’ was firmly stuck in my head.

Actually landing there and experiencing the place made me reinterpret my own ideas of what constitutes ‘naughtiness’.

The first thing our tour manager, Tuk, told us was to keep our eyes, mind and heart open. She said, “This is Thailand, not India…Everything happens here. See the other side of the world.”  I soon understood what she meant. Imagine my shock when I saw young girls moving around with oldies who could pass off as their grandfathers. The night life was rather too bold for me. Not that we Indians are unaware of such acts back home in our country, with numerous stories of bawdy brothels, prostitution and human trafficking doing the rounds in the news and mass media almost every day. But you don’t witness these as openly as you do in Thailand.

I was intrigued by these girls wherever I saw them, on beaches, in hotels, in shopping arcades, on the streets and mostly when travelling in those cute tuk tuks. I shamelessly stared at them and observed them; sometimes I was obvious enough for them to notice and smile cutely at me.

I also noticed that unlike in our country, these girls were not a taboo on their society. They were as much part of the regular local crowd as anyone else. The locals did not treat them differently or Sex workerslook down upon them. I began to wonder if their work was looked upon respectably here. A little discussion with my tour guide on this made me realise that whatever these girls were doing was not disrespectful in the eyes of the people of Thailand. They were merely doing their work, so what if the work happened to be of a ‘different’ type?

Pondering over my own reservations about their choice of profession, I began to feel a deep respect for these girls as I saw them walk with their head held high. I am sure they must be regular wives, daughters and motheres in their houses and their profession may not way affect that ‘normal’ part of their lives in any way. I gathered that women in Thailand did all types of work and millions were were bread earners of the families. Only I wish there were more dignified professions for them.

I also questioned the entity of women. Are we mere objects of sexual desire or are we actually reduced to being such objects? I remember a few days ago, after a visit to a beauty parlour, my six-year-old son asked, “Why do you go to the parlour and endure so much pain?” He then asked if he would have to go to the parlour too, when he grew up. I told him that boys didn’t need beauty treatments.

His next question was simple: “Why?” And even as I fumbled for an answer, I realised that we women groomed ourselves to look attractive, but nobody placed the expectation of looking good all the time on men (though I know of several men who groom themselves a lot). The larger question is: who exempted men from looking their best at all times? And who said women cannot go about with unmanicured nails, hairy armpits and visible moustaches? What is so unattractive about that? And if we have to blame ‘society’ for these expectations, then aren’t we women a part of this society, too? Why, then, do we accept the idea that women must always look attractive and ‘ladylike’ at all times?

We lament the plight of our women but I find that women are exploited all over the world. My experience in Thailand made me introspect about my own status as a woman and I found that thankfully, till date, my gender has never been a hindrance during any of my life stages, be it school, college, career or even as a citizen. I am proud to say that I owe most of this to my city Mumbai which has largely contributed in making me cherish my gender rather than be struck down by it.

Mumbai definitely scores much above all other cities in India as far as gender issues are concerned. Despite incidents of molestation and rape being reported on a regular basis, I still feel safe in Mumbai. The city doesn’t care much about me being a woman, and I get to enjoy my freedom when I walk on the streets late at night or reach home late from work. I have my own compartment and seats reserved in trains and other public transport. I can have coffee at a coffee joint without being stared at. My workplace does not give me any concessions because of my gender. I see hordes of women every morning stepping out of their homes on the way to their jobs, and they don’t look nervous or scared – on the contrary, their confidence rubs off on newcomers in the city. There are dark sides to Mumbai where one can find Thailand-like scenarios, but still the city lets you be what you want to be. This is a city that belongs to me as much as anyone.

And my heart goes to the millions of women all over the world who are sex workers. I feel their outrage at being commodified, but I feel tremendous respect for them for being courageous and dignified despite their situation.

(Pictures courtesy content.time.com, www.zimbio.com. Images used for representational purpose only)

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Bombay, bas

How a Mumbai housing society became a joint family this Christmas

A busy Mumbaikar describes how a simple act of putting together a Christmas celebration became a unifying labour of love.
Pooja Birwatkarby Dr Pooja Birwatkar

The title of this piece may not make much sense to people who live outside Mumbai, where the concept of housing societies has still not gained much popularity. But for us Mumbaikars, housing societies define our habitats. A few years ago, the building where I live formed a housing society and christened it the Blue Bell Housing Society. The formation of this society naturally brought its residents in close contact with each other, as meetings and agendas required frequent participation. Slowly, it gave way to bonding and many residents became friends.

Most families in Mumbai’s building societies are nuclear ones. It is not possible for people like us who live in nuclear families to always rush back home to near and dear ones in times of crisis and celebrations. Our fast lives leave us with no choice but to spend our free time within the confines of our homes – often leading to feelings of loneliness. The loneliness is pronounced at times of festivities. Fortunately, our building found a solution to this grave problem – by starting a small community Ganapati celebration, which later led us to organise many small scale celebrations like Children’s Day.

This year, our building decided to celebrate the spirit of Christmas in a big way. A few parents led the idea and religiously trained the building’s children and a few volunteer moms for almost a month in carol singing. Like all big things that start with a small idea, this celebration too started on a lighter note – but soon assumed the guise of a professionally-arranged event.

Celebrating as a joint familyEvery day, children of all ages from 2 to 13 years, regardless of their religion, gathered to learn carols. As they practiced the carols every day, we saw some unique transformations taking place among them. They started to share and support each other, a group feeling and discipline crept in among these children who hadn’t been socialising with each other that much prior to their practice.

As adults, we feel that we are the ones bogged down by daily pressures, but we don’t realise that changing times are also taking a toll on our children, and that they need stress-busters also. But we completely ignore the fact that with changing times even kids have started to experience stresses of all kinds and they need some stress busters too. In this case, music proved therapeutic for our children; it pepped them up and made them happier.

Even more pronounced was the effect that the entire activity was having on the mothers who were organising the event. Most of them were stay-at-home moms who previously had rewarding careers, which they had given up for raising families. These women proved to be storehouses of talent when it came to putting the event together.

On the day of the event, everyone was understandably nervous but excited. We had decided to do the event on a shoestring budget, and the costumes had been put together (creatively) at home. I must add that the children outdid their previous efforts and left all of us awestruck. The audience comprised the building’s residents and their friends and families. All of us had a merry time feasting, enjoying the music and taking part in the fun activities arranged.

But more than the actual event, what all of us enjoyed was the run-up to it – in just a few days, we learnt so much about each other as we worked together for a common goal. Most of us have been living next to each other for years. But it took one event to bring us all closer in the true sense of the word.

I feel all Mumbai housing societies should plan such activities periodically. There can be no better way to become secular than to act and behave like a large joint family. There is so much to learn from each other. Ever religion, every festival, every culture teaches us in its own unique way humanity, love and respect for all, and definitely makes us better individuals. We Mumbaikars are too pressed for time to fully inculcate family, cultural and ethical values in our children, but we can come together as a group and try to jointly teach our children all of that which we alone can’t.

Today, I am happy that my son has a large joint family in his building, and that he will have many wonderful childhood memories. As a parent, what more can I ask for?

Dr Pooja Birwatkar is currently pursuing post doctoral research and working in the area of science education. She has been associated with the field of education in the past as a teacher educator, and her area of interest is research in education. 

(Pictures courtesy Dr Pooja Birwatkar)

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Deal with it

The charm of Sunday

As Monday ushers in a new week, we think fondly of Sunday and wonder how the day passed by so quickly.
Pooja Birwatkarby Dr Pooja Birwatkar

Every Saturday, everyone at my workplace is tremendously excited, because the magical Sunday is to follow. Since it allows one to rest and eat whatever they want and generally have a good time, Sunday is everybody’s favorite day of the week.

Sure, there are other holidays. Many corporate offices have now adopted a five-day week. But Sunday is still pretty special.

There are no alarm clocks on a Sunday. Most of us wake up late after lounging in bed for as long as possible. There are no rules on a Sunday, for both adults and children. Most of us watch a lot of TV, order our meals from the local restaurant, and some of us go spend the day out shopping and watching movies with our families.

Sunday is also a day of cleaning for most Mumbaikars, whose homes resemble godowns and dumping grounds on other days of the week. With Diwali coming up this week, I am sure many people spent their Sundays cleaning up their homes. Sunday cleaning involves sprucing up the house, arranging everything in its right place and making sure the house looks inviting. And though I often complain that cleaning up the house eats by most of my Sunday, I find that it is a great stress buster, too. I normally follow this up with shopping for groceries at the market.

It seems to me that we actually put in more work on Sunday. So how is this a holiday? I believe it helps us relieve our anxieties building up over the week, because we tie up a lot of loose ends on a Sunday. Completing pending tasks gives a sense of satisfaction.

Sunday is also a day to catch up with people we tend to neglect during the week – our parents, relatives who live far away, friends we no longer have regular time for. Of course, with Whatsapp we are constantly in touch with everyone, so you could say Sunday is a good day to take a break from our phones.

Since most women are home on a Sunday, their domestic help must feel resentful under their mistresses’ watchful eyes. No wonder my maid usually turns up late to work on Sundays and Sunday mealsdisappears quickly. She sometimes get back at me by not turning up at all, which is nothing short of a disaster.

I also invest Sundays in catching up with myself. I finally get the time to take a long look at myself in the mirror. I get the time to visit the beauty parlour, get my nails done, get a hot oil head massage. Then I traipse home and have a long and luxurious bath. Besides, and I am sure I speak for most working women in Mumbai, the best thing about Sunday is the break from cooking.

For many children, Sunday ends on a horrible note as they may have forgotten to do their homework or put their school uniforms in the wash, or something equally disastrous. I think Monday blues hit school children before they hit the rest of us. For grownups, I think the blues set in as they set their alarm clocks for Monday morning.

And as the new week begins, we sigh to ourselves – oh, I can’t wait for Sunday…

(Pictures courtesy lilpleasuresoflife.files.wordpress.com, indianexpress.com)

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Parenting in big, bad Mumbai

It is tough to devote quality time to our children, but only parents should shape their children’s lives, not technology and media.
Pooja Birwatkarby Dr Pooja Birwatkar

The other day my six-year-old boy was humming a song. While I was straining to catch the lyrics, he suddenly stopped and asked, “Mom, what is ‘wohka’?” To my blank look, he explained by humming a line, ‘Char bottle wohka, kaam mera roz ka’.

I was shocked and fumbled for an answer. I quickly went into a mental overdrive: how did he hear this song, we never play music channels on TV or in the car, he is not exposed to any TV content except restricted cartoon and news channels. So how had he heard this song? And when?

Lectures in child psychology sprang to my aid and I remembered what I had been taught: always tell a child the truth. So I told my son, ‘wohka’ was actually a drink for adults. He seemed satisfied with the answer, but I continued to be agitated, shooting a volley of questions about where he had heard the song. He finally said he had heard someone singing it and caught it.

Then I sat back and wondered: how long can I confine my child to spaces I have earmarked for him? I can physically control the TV set, expose him to less silly cartoons, but for how long? Most parents complain that their kids watch too much TV or are always on the mobile phone. Then they admit that they are unable to make much time for their children, thus resulting in the latter getting the run of the house.

Everybody’s right, parents and children, too. A place like Mumbai eats up valuable time for most parents commuting to and from work. On reaching home, there is no time to restSpend time with your children and play with their children. So we try to compensate by taking our children out to malls over the weekends, and feel that we are helping them create special childhood memories by giving them money to play in game zones.

What stops us from going to gardens and playing cricket or another sport with our children? Or just going to a beach and having a good game of Frisbee with them? Sure, Mumbai is very crowded and there’s no place to do anything. But the city is not short of nature and public parks – not using these spaces to bond with your child is criminal, and a cop-out.

Technology has invaded our lives and we can’t always stop our children from being exposed to its ills. What we can do is modify our own behaviour – and we can start by setting good examples of ourselves in front of our children. Don’t play on our phone or be hooked to social networking sites when you are home. Just think: a year ago, when you didn’t have as many apps on your phone, was your life not good enough? Do you really need all the new apps that are available?

A child who sees a parent devote more time to his phone than to the people inside the house is not going to obey when that parent tells them not to play mobile phone games. If you are going to shake your body to meaningless item songs with titillating lyrics, or worse, take your children along to watch an A-rated film, you lose the right to tell your child that these songs and films are bad for them. Children model themselves on their parents – it is a cliché, but you must practice what you preach or suffer the consequences.

After all, it is easier to reorganise our own lives and help our children make better choices, than to deal with disgruntled teens and young adults who would later blame you for not investing in their overall development, and leaving them to figure out their own way of living. It is not a question of whether I want my child to know that words like ‘vodka’ exist, but I want him to learn about these things in a scientific manner, rather than being exposed to them crudely. There is still time to undo the damage – rise up to the challenge, gear up for it, and don’t complain.

Besides, who said parenting was easy?

Read another take on the same issue here.

Dr Pooja Birwatkar is currently pursuing post doctoral research and working in the area of science education. She has been associated with the field of education in the past as a teacher educator, and her area of interest is research in education. 

(Pictures courtesy www.parentingnation.in, www.wikihow.com)

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Bombay, bas

I, me, myself and my smartphone

Clearly, there’s nothing we need in Mumbai, including friends and family, if we have a m0bile phone in our hands.
Pooja Birwatkarby Dr Pooja Birwatkar

New to travelling in the local trains of Mumbai, I was slowly beginning to learn the basics of acceptable train behaviour. I started out with buying a first class pass, but I would travel by second class because many people scared me about how unsafe travelling alone in the ladies first class compartment was (even though most of these ‘advisors’ seldom travelled by train).

But my time with the second class convinced me to take the first class coach even if I was alone in it, which was seldom, because the city’s population won’t allow for empty coaches.

In the first few days, I found myself looking at the women travelling with me. And very soon, I found the fashionably-dressed women giving me strange looks. I realised what the problem was – I was probably the only person travelling sans ear plugs connected to a music player or a fancy phone, and not staring at my mobile phone.

Having been a psychology student, it had become a habit for me to observe people and study their mannerisms. But I had to train myself to not stare, so, I learnt to observe them slyly. And almost always, this is what I found: 90 per cent commuters are hooked to their phones, while the rest sleep or chat with their friends.

Isn’t it awesome, this technology that allows us to chat with our friends and associates at all times of the day? You are no longer alone if you have a phone in your hands – not even talking on phonewhen you’re physically alone in a coffee shop. A few years ago, one would feel uncomfortable waiting alone at a bus stop or a train platform, or even in a restaurant. But our phones, in front of our eyes at all times, divert us so well, we don’t even feel alone despite being alone. Our phones help us escape feelings of awkwardness in public spaces, and keep us so occupied, we hardly know who is sitting next to us.

But you know what? I miss the times when journeys were times when we smiled at our fellow passengers, had a few casual talks, and sometimes made great friendships with the mothers of cute babies travelling with us. I can only vaguely remember the simpler times when social networking did not dictate our first actions for the day and the last things we did at night. I sometimes brush my teeth in the morning with my eyes glued to my cell phone.

People have also found ways to scare us into forwarding certain messages to a fixed number of people or incur the wrath of some God (who, I suppose, has cracked a way to keep a tab on the forwarded messages and do calculations of who followed instructions and who didn’t).

Unlike a lot of people who constantly berate technology for reducing human interaction, I am not going to say that social networking is totally unnecessary – after all, it does help unite us with people we knew ages ago, and it helps us keep in touch with everything in a rapidly shrinking world. It gives us a daily insight into how others we know are living their lives – and sometimes makes us believe they’re having more fun than we are.

I admit I love secretly peeping into other people’s lives. If we had this level of communication growing up, we wouldn’t have to contend with coy glances at our crushes in our teenage years. We would wait for the other person to make a move (which never happened), and all we would be left with would be fond memories. Imagine now, if you had a crush on somebody, all you had to do was write a smartly-worded message and send it to the person, thereby saving yourself from potentially embarrassing moments.

And yet, a part of me wants to take the time out to actually talk to others, rather than type to them. It is indeed sad that we are forgetting to even make small talk when we do happen to meet people. The other day, a friend of mine said that when she meets her parents on her visits to India, she struggles to find topics of conversation. It is also distressing to observe grandparents or parents in parks blissfully unaware of what their little wards are up to, because they are so busy tapping away at their phones.

With every revolution comes a change in our social patterns, and it takes a while to accept these changes. Funnily enough, I am writing this article on my cell phone in a local train. Who would have thought this was possible a few years ago? Once I am done writing, I am going to plug in my earphones and browse through my phone, not looking left or right. And it gives me a little thrill to know that I have been writing about my co-passengers and the local train, and they have no idea.

Dr Pooja Birwatkar is currently pursuing post doctoral research and working in the area of science education. She has been associated with the field of education in the past as a teacher educator, and her area of interest is research in education. 

 

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