marriage – The Metrognome

A reader pens down her thoughts about a generation that marks happiness by its bank balance, not its personal ties.

by Vidya Rekha

Looking through the window, a thought popped into my mind one day…Why does the younger generation not take responsibility? Responsibility at the job, in their personal lives, with their parents? We are always taught to be responsible, to always emanate the spiritual thoughts within us. But I increasingly see that the younger generation doesn’t want to be inside the boundary of responsibility – within the bounds of marriage, within the bounds of authority.

Youngsters today want to be autonomous in their thoughts and actions. Ostensibly they want to be with someone who can share the same conception as theirs and enjoy the colours of life without binding to any obligation. While this sounds attraction on the surface, it comes with its own pitfalls. Not everyone is able to comprehend this style of living and thinking. Soon, marriages lead to divorce. Personal relationships break down. It is disturbing to see so many newlyweds separate before they celebrate their first wedding anniversary.

At the root of most of these troubles is money. Most women today are financially empowered, they are accomplished in their careers. So they think, ‘I have no need to obey a man’. Likewise, men think that when they earn and take care of their families, their responsibilities do not include listening to or taking advice from a woman. They simply presume that girls should be meek to them, regardless of their employment.

Many girls today easily agree to get married to a man working overseas, under the false impression that they will get a queenly lifestyle abroad. Once they actually reach there, they realise that living in comfort abroad requires hours of work. Most women fail to remember their own parents’ initial struggles to raise a family and run the house. It is also disturbing to see how many people are unhappy about attending to the brood waiting for them back home, and more so, about taking care of their parents.

Simultaneously, the bone of contention between many couples is: Why should I take care of your parents? Meanwhile, more and more couples are increasingly opting to live in with their partners, since this arrangement does not come with the complications of marriage.

But this kind of autonomy, both in marriages and live-in relationships, can come with a price. There is no substitute for the guidance and wisdom of elders in our lives.

Life is all about giving and gaining. The full form of the word ‘Ego’ currently is ‘Edging God Out.’ This means we have no time or inclination for introspection, that we are completely devoted to our own interests. We will soon become people who are selfish, concerned only for our own welfare, whose God is money and material comfort.

Instead of money guiding our choices, it should be our higher self doing so. If the choice we make brings us a sense of peace, then that is our higher self at work.

Vidya Rekha is a graduate from Mysore University, and works as HR professional for the JGI group. She loves reading books and listening to music. The views expressed here are her own.

(Picture courtesy www.moneycrashers.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

The most successful Bolly actresses have lost their equity and brand value post-marriage. Will just-married Kareena Kapoor break this stereotype?

by M | M@themetrognome.in

Like in the rest of India, Tuesday afternoon’s lunch conversation revolved around Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor’s much-hyped marriage. I think by now, everyone is abreast of the most trivial details of this two-day event. A casual comment from a colleague triggered a thought; his comment was: “How can Kareena get married now? She is currently at the top, but now her market will go down.”

Apart from fuming at the word ‘market’, I was intrigued by the fact that despite living in a world where a 94-year-old man can become a father without being frowned upon, a 32-year-old woman cannot get married and still have a career. The age-old perception that married actresses don’t work at the box-office is still rock-solid in the Indian mindset. And even in Bollywood.

Great actresses from the past have been treated like sore corns post their marriage, and stereotyped in roles fit for elderly women. Usually, the public assumes the actress will completely quit or take a sabbatical from showbiz. Some of them do return to the big screen, but instead of talking about their performance or their talent, the marketing is focused on positioning it as a post-marriage comeback.

This really makes me think: are women, especially in India, truly free? Our patriarchal society cannot help but enforce its rigid belief system on Bollywood as well. The next few lines of this column might sound crude, but what is being practiced around us is even worse. For years now, our society has propagated the importance of marring a virgin, who is clean of committing moral sins. This is exactly the reason why married actresses are not accepted in Bollywood.

The men in society cannot fantasise about a woman who is not a virgin. The lusty siren on the big screen that makes them drool, once married, will belong only to her husband. It’s not that men don’t lech at or have sexual fantasies about married woman, of course they do; but they can’t openly accept this in society. Therefore, the actress will still be imagined seducing them when required; but once married, she will not be a good actress any more. In a lighter vein, they must think that the actress loses her talent along with her virginity.

Unfortunately, it’s not just the audience that holds on to these views, there are men within the industry who share the same hatred for married actresses. Most producers will not risk their high budget projects, and so you will hardly ever see a married actress in a big banner production. Yes, there are exceptions like Kajol, who has managed a successful comeback, but sustaining it will be a challenge. A respected producer in the industry once expressed his thoughts on the same subject. He said, “Married women remind us of our mothers and we cannot expect the audience to like their mothers romancing the hero in the film.”

I feel sorry for actresses who utterly and completely devote their lives to cinema and who live under constant fear of being forced to retire once they settle down and have a family. Ironically, having a family at a decent age is again enforced by the society, and women who don’t abide by this rule are termed rebels or are assumed unfit to find a suitor.

This could explain why a Madhuri Dixit or a Juhi Chawla are left to do television shows, while the Katrina Kaifs of this world rule the roost in Bollywood. This also explains why our actresses can’t have a family along with a healthy career even at the age of 40, but our heroes, who are wrecks at 50 years of age can romance nubile 20-year-olds.

Nobody raised a brow when Aamir Khan or SRK made their debut in Bollywood after their marriage. But has there been a single instance where the actress made a debut post her marriage, and went on to have a successful innings? Not in Bollywood. This could be a distant dream, but for now can we just accept our actresses to be married and still bedazzle us with their performances?

I say, let’s give Kareena a chance. I hope her marriage and subsequent career would be the much-needed breakthrough for other women in the industry.

(Picture courtesy: www.movies.ndtv.com)