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A half-done Chutney

Do you like unfunny jokes and stereotypical ‘humour’ in your songs? You will love Vir Das and the Alien Chutney.
by M | M@themetrognome.in

How do you know if people have been to the NH7 weekender? They will tell you that they watched Vir Das and the Alien Chutney perform on Sunday, not an act they’d be able to see in the normal course of their lives.

Vir Das and the Alien Chutney is India’s first comedy rock band with a punch line that says ‘Romedy Cocks!’ (I am not making this up) The band has been active for over a year now, performing live at various gigs across the country, and seemingly specialises in sleaze, lacing all its songs with sexual innuendo for extra pleasure.

At NH7, they opened their act with the words, “We don’t care about the critic reviews, we are here for your entertainment”. As if music critics over the country were rushing to review a ‘Romedy Cock’ band. Thankfully, the performance itself was brief, full as it was of songs insulting Delhi girls, Punjabi men, and parodies on heavy metal bands, Gangman Style, Himeshbhai and Harry Potter. I appreciate Vir Das and the Chutney for attempting to create original music, but their lyrics are difficult to follow. The words seem forced on the tunes, and would better suit a stand-up comedy act.

One of the songs was called Village Man. The build-up to the song was a pop poll on how many girls had slept with Haryanvi men. The song itself was about – you guessed it – a Haryanvi man’s attempt at sexual intercourse and how he breaks the girl’s arm because he gets distracted by a squirrel and tries to grab the squirrel instead of the girl.

Next was Punjabi Men and their Man Boobs and a ballad on Delhi Girls, who are supposedly gold diggers. Both these songs’ lyrics were examples of blatant stereotyping of North Indian men and women. We’ve all heard the material several times over already, across several different platforms, and I can’t believe people are still making songs on man boobs.

The parody on heavy metal music was seasoned with names of actual metal like iron, zinc, copper and many more from the periodic table, along with jolts of double bass. Just when we were beginning to think the lame sex jokes were over, BANG! Out came lame jokes on other issues. The parody on Harry Potter was very offensive, and again, we didn’t get the joke – the chorus went: ‘Harry Potter is a Randi, Hermoine is a Randi, Dumble, Riddle, et al is a Randi…’ and so on.

The only parody remotely close to funny was the Gangnam Style one. The lyrics were actually laugh-inducing and contextual to the original song. In a gist, it was about how we don’t understand a single word of the song and throughout the song eagerly await the chorus just to watch a chubby Korean dance funnily. Of course, it had enough profanity to make PSY very angry.

I think the band doesn’t live up to the genre it claims to create. It takes much more than just mocking famous personalities and insulting communities to make people laugh. We are not asking for all-clean, sans profanity songs (after all, we are not the Censor Board), but at least give us a good joke.

If this is Vir Das’s attempt at matching the musical parodies on Saturday Night Live or the famed troupe ‘The Lonely Island’, then he needs to work much harder. The standards set by artists of the comedic music genre are very high already, and plain mockery and insults won’t help. Sexual innuendos are fine, but too much is too much. Agreed, breaking new grounds is tough, and full marks to the band for attempting that, but I strongly feel there is no need to take this on a live platform.

Next time I’m not going to stand in the middle of the day to watch Vir Das and the Alien Chutney rant about Himesh Reshamiya’s nasal hair, a joke done to death. I’d sooner watch them online, with the comfort of having the option to ‘close window’.

 

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Will Bollywood ever get a Bond?

Or at least a super-successful series of spy movies? We’re not asking for much, if you really think about it.

by M | M@themetrognome.in

With James Bond’s 23rd instalment around the corner (releasing next week), I started to think – will Bollywood ever get its own series of good spy movies? We are the second largest film industry in the world, but we are still light years away from Hollywood in terms of owning a super-successful franchise that the world will watch.

I really don’t get why we haven’t been able to do it yet. We obviously have the talent – no, I am not counting Salman Khan or KJo – and we have reasonably good actors and directors. So why aren’t we there yet?

The last attempt at making a spy thriller was Agent Vinod. It was nowhere close to the savoir-faire and panache that even the less-thrilling Bond movies carry. Saif Ali Khan as an undercover agent was the worst casting choice made in the history of cinema. I know many who liked the young baddie more in the film.

A series of spy films might be too much to ask for at this point, but a few good ones that bring us to the edge of our seats would suffice. So, what does it take to make a spy thriller? Let’s break it down.

The James Bond series can be primarily credited to its creator, writer Ian Fleming. The compelling stories were adapted into gripping screenplays that captivated the audience. Fleming’s style of writing and a set of characters so well-defined and well-embedded  in the audiences’ minds, ensured that plotlines outside of the novels he wrote are still being explored – and Skyfall is a case in point. This simply means that James Bond is not about to holster the gun any time soon. Thank God for small mercies.

Lack of compelling stories keeps Bollywood from making good movies. Not. Recent whatever-you-call-it Student Of The Year proves this amply. We’ve already got great Indian spy stories that we have not tapped into – consider the magnificent detective series Feluda written by Satyajit Ray. The series of short novels and stories is a fascinating combination of Sherlock Holmes-style detection and Bond-like execution, and has all the ingredients for a Bollywood masala film – suspense, drama and action. There are a couple of films and telefilms based on detective Feluda, but these hardly translated into commercial success. These stories are denied of the distinction that they deserve and someone should re-visit them at the soonest.

Plus, the Bond films have the most admirable cast. All of the Bonds thus far –  Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and now Daniel Craig – have had one enduring quality each, and some were dreamier than others. M and Q, with Judi Dench playing the former and Desmond Llewelyn as the latter, have done a splendid job in each film. And what can be said about the Bond girls? With each film, they are just making temperatures soar higher. Even the bad guys are in a league of their own.

Okay, so Bollywood doesn’t have too many options for a James Bond-inspired character, but I would still think Akshay Kumar is worthy of a chance. And we have stacks of bombshells to play his lady, or we can always import them.

Is it the money that keeps us from replicating a successful formula? I don’t think so. Hindi film-makers are never shy of blatantly copying foreign films, even if it means bringing in the crew of The Matrix or The Terminator to reproduce the exact same scenes.  Ra One and Robot established that there is no scarcity of money in Bollywood. Bollywood films may seldom have a storyline, but exotic locations are exploited only for songs and dances and not on any pathbreaking scenes. Obviously, budget is not an issue for us.

I think the real problem is direction. I cannot remember the last Bollywood film that showcased the work of an outstanding director. The current crop of directors who film sequels largely comprises failed actors (Pooja Bhatt, who directed Jism 2) or directors who refuse to quit directing (Vikram Bhatt for everything he’s ever made). We can only come up with a Farhan Akhtar who would take up the challenge of directing a spy thriller and do a decent job of it.

Dear Bollywood, man up and get cracking. Give us meaty spies, let our adrenaline flow, entertain us, and in the bargain, get acclaimed for making good cinema. Of course you’ll make money, dummy!

 

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And…(long pause)…action!

The feisty Preity Zinta is back after a long sabbatical. But will she and her new film captivate the audience?
by M | M@themetrognome.in

‘She came, she saw and she came back,’ could very well sum up the Preity Zinta story. With her ‘comeback’ release next week Ishkq in Paris, (the film’s release has been delayed yet again), I am obliged to review her career. And there are several points to ponder over.

I think Preity was the only actress who could pull off the bubbly girl-next-door image effortlessly. On most other actors, it just looked forced and stupid. This ‘chirpy girl’ image had it going for her since her debut in Dil Se, when most of us thought she was here to stay. And she did, for quite some time, amidst the hits and the flops, exceeding viewers’ expectations with each movie.

A series of not-so-good movies were always topped with an in-your-face performance from Preity. She had it going for her, until a certain Mr Wadia rained on her parade. Loads of actresses fall in and out of love… but very few put everything they’ve earned (including their reputations) at stake.

Her relationship initially seemed like a fairy tale come true – a beautiful girl finds a handsome, rich boy who will take her on cruises around the world. But soon, the Preity dream turned into a (Loch) Ness nightmare. There were nasty rumours of Preity doing recreational drugs, that those drugs had now turned into a habit. They said that when she broke up with Ness, the ugliness of it all haunted Preity so much that she reportedly checked into rehab, and some even said that she had got a nose job done.

I really like her. Apart from being a reasonably good actress, Preity Zinta is an intelligent woman. She is educated, comes from a respectable family and was even a guest columnist with BBC Online for a brief while. It is unfortunate when a woman is mistreated by a man, and then by the industry. It was quite the task for her to get a distribution partner on board for Ishkq in Paris. The constant push-back from reputed distributors resulted in multiple delays in releasing the film. Now, it turns out that her film’s director is ill, so this week’s release date has been changed to next week’s for now.

But even after the heartburn distribution and release issues, and the lack of support from most of her friends in the industry, Preity seems to have pledged to never give up. Like her show on TV (which also tanked), she seems determined to ensure that her comeback film will see the light of day. But as much as I want her to succeed, as much as I respect her for picking up the pieces and getting her act together, I have serious doubts about Ishkq in Paris.

But if you are still craving some Zinta before her new film hits the theatres, I would advise you to stay at home with a tub of popcorn and grab DVDs of her earlier movies that are actually worth a watch, such as:

– Sangharsh (1999): India’s answer to Jodie Foster, Preity carries the complexities of a frail girl and tough cop brilliantly in this film.

– Kya Kehna (2000): Post-Juno, the teenage pregnancy issue has revealed its lighter side, but back in 2000, especially in India, this was still a hard-hitting issue. Her performance in the film did create quite a stir.

Lakshya (2004): This is my favourite Preity Zinta movie of all time. The staunch modernist/feminist side of Zinta was the inspiration for Romila Dutta’s character.

Heaven On Earth (2008): See Zinta shine as Chand, a timid housewife trapped in an abusive marriage. Beware, the movie will go haywire with a bizarre turn, but remember you’d rather watch this than Ishkq in Paris.

Dil Chahta Hai (2001): Finally, the chirpy girl-next-door. Enjoy!

(Picture courtesy g.ahan.in)

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M

The marriage curse

The most successful Bolly actresses have lost their equity and brand value post-marriage. Will just-married Kareena Kapoor break this stereotype?
by M | M@themetrognome.in

Like in the rest of India, Tuesday afternoon’s lunch conversation revolved around Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor’s much-hyped marriage. I think by now, everyone is abreast of the most trivial details of this two-day event. A casual comment from a colleague triggered a thought; his comment was: “How can Kareena get married now? She is currently at the top, but now her market will go down.”

Apart from fuming at the word ‘market’, I was intrigued by the fact that despite living in a world where a 94-year-old man can become a father without being frowned upon, a 32-year-old woman cannot get married and still have a career. The age-old perception that married actresses don’t work at the box-office is still rock-solid in the Indian mindset. And even in Bollywood.

Great actresses from the past have been treated like sore corns post their marriage, and stereotyped in roles fit for elderly women. Usually, the public assumes the actress will completely quit or take a sabbatical from showbiz. Some of them do return to the big screen, but instead of talking about their performance or their talent, the marketing is focused on positioning it as a post-marriage comeback.

This really makes me think: are women, especially in India, truly free? Our patriarchal society cannot help but enforce its rigid belief system on Bollywood as well. The next few lines of this column might sound crude, but what is being practiced around us is even worse. For years now, our society has propagated the importance of marring a virgin, who is clean of committing moral sins. This is exactly the reason why married actresses are not accepted in Bollywood.

The men in society cannot fantasise about a woman who is not a virgin. The lusty siren on the big screen that makes them drool, once married, will belong only to her husband. It’s not that men don’t lech at or have sexual fantasies about married woman, of course they do; but they can’t openly accept this in society. Therefore, the actress will still be imagined seducing them when required; but once married, she will not be a good actress any more. In a lighter vein, they must think that the actress loses her talent along with her virginity.

Unfortunately, it’s not just the audience that holds on to these views, there are men within the industry who share the same hatred for married actresses.  Most producers will not risk their high budget projects, and so you will hardly ever see a married actress in a big banner production. Yes, there are exceptions like Kajol, who has managed a successful comeback, but sustaining it will be a challenge. A respected producer in the industry once expressed his thoughts on the same subject. He said, “Married women remind us of our mothers and we cannot expect the audience to like their mothers romancing the hero in the film.”

I feel sorry for actresses who utterly and completely devote their lives to cinema and who live under constant fear of being forced to retire once they settle down and have a family. Ironically, having a family at a decent age is again enforced by the society, and women who don’t abide by this rule are termed rebels or are assumed unfit to find a suitor.

This could explain why a Madhuri Dixit or a Juhi Chawla are left to do television shows, while the Katrina Kaifs of this world rule the roost in Bollywood. This also explains why our actresses can’t have a family along with a healthy career even at the age of 40, but our heroes, who are wrecks at 50 years of age can romance nubile 20-year-olds.

Nobody raised a brow when Aamir Khan or SRK made their debut in Bollywood after their marriage. But has there been a single instance where the actress made a debut post her marriage, and went on to have a successful innings? Not in Bollywood. This could be a distant dream, but for now can we just accept our actresses to be married and still bedazzle us with their performances?

I say, let’s give Kareena a chance. I hope her marriage and subsequent career would be the much-needed breakthrough for other women in the industry.

(Picture courtesy: www.movies.ndtv.com) 

 

 

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Has-beens and their brats

Bollywood continues to open its floodgates to a new generation of star kids. But are they really worth a watch?
by M | M@themetrognome.in

I feel sad. Sad to know that we have finally seen the last of those days when actors were discovered in the dingily-lit rehearsal halls of a drama school. Where genuine emotions of pain and hunger on the actors’ faces were a reflection of their several days and years of hardship and struggle.

I feel particularly sad, then exhausted, when I watch the offspring of yesteryear stars prancing around in frocks purchased in their (the offsprings’) infancy, draped as fashionable eye candy on the arms of metrosexual men. Yes, I am talking about the cast of Student of The Year, so bite me. This film doesn’t make sense to me at all. Its songs don’t make sense to me. Its cast is a big puzzle. The girl, Alia Bhatt, has just one expression on her face – a persistent cringe – and the guys, Siddharth Malhotra and Varun Dhawan, only seem to be dancing around her. Methinks, it take a little more than that to be the student of the year, even at a dance school, and it will take much, much more to please the audience. Better luck next time, Karan.

Coming back to a bigger worry, where are the real men and women? Look at the casting of Student of the Year. Alia is Mahesh Bhatt and Soni Razdan’s daughter, Varun is David Dhawan’s son, his brother is Rohit Dhawan (of Desi Boyz fame) and Siddharth Malhotra is reportedly related to Karan’s close friend Manish Malhotra. The rumour mills have been buzzing with stories of Karan and Siddharth’s ‘close friendship’, where they have been spotted at various pools and restaurants at five- star hotels across the city, even hinting at the-couch-that-must-not-be-named. Sure, the cast boasts a high pedigree, but where’s the talent, folks? From what we’ve seen so far, their biggest talent is that they resemble their parents.

Not so long ago, there was Always Kabhi Kabhi; this was a film made to please the Morani brothers by casting Zoya Morani in the film. It was produced by Red Chillies Entertainment, and Cineyug was a silent partner in the company. A marketing brouhaha was created around the film, and SRK himself shot a music video to promote it. Needless to say, the film bombed at the box office and Zoya Morani was sent packing home.

Backtrack a little more and meet that other star kid disaster, Jackky Bhagnani. His dad, Vashu, will force him down upon us once again in a movie called Ajab Gazabb Love, slated to release next week. I had to pay for therapy after watching just the promos. Jackky’s performance in his debut film Kal Kissne Dekha, for which he won an IIFA award (Star Debutant) was as good as the title of his next release – FALTU.

Not long ago, a rich father was even willing to pay huge sums of money to get a theatrical release for a film directed by his son. Still, the distribution house that usually pays to procure the rights of a film, refused this lucrative offer for fear of losing face, and also because good sense sometimes does prevail in Bollywood.

There are many other star kids, who (to put it bluntly) came and went, without leaving any impression on the audience. Not that they were worse than the ones that get a bigger release – like Jackky and gang,  but this game is all about the parents. The chances of star kids getting a decent break are directly proportionate to their parents’ social equation in the industry. Even the filmmakers know that looking for talent in these kids is futile.

In the near future, I can see the Dharmas and the YRFs of the world setting up a school for these kids, where the dumb are separated from the dumber. The weekly PTA meeting over cocktails will have a one-point agenda – which parents do we like the most, and whose kid should be cast in the next flop?

The film industry has always inspired many to pursue their passion for acting and in return, the stars  narrate this great story of their struggles to the world, thus inspiring others, and so, the circle of life in cinema continues. But it seems that this circle is moving towards recycling has-beens through their children; children, who are not even passionate about this fascinating art, but still enter the profession with good baggage and some meagre acting skills.

I really wonder what these kids will say if they ever reach the pinnacle of stardom (chances of which are as high as a cow winning India’s Got Talent), but it sure will go something like this: “Oh, I was watching reruns of Jersey Shore, when Karan uncle called me to say that he spoke to Daddy and told him I would be acting in his next film. I was like, OK, since I am doing nothing right now and I am not good at anything else either…so I gave it a shot.”

Guess it’s a long wait for the next Amitabh Bachchan and Ranjikanth of this generation.

Till then, I’m going to blindfold myself and listen to soothing music, hoping that this Friday passes me by quickly.

(Student of The Year releases Friday, October 19, 2012. Picture courtesy: www.apnatimepass.com)

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Dear fans, go to hell

A superstar was to speak with fans for his film’s promotion, but he stopped the activity after just two calls.
by M | M@themetrognome.in

This is a true story.

We all grow up idolising that one person we often see on the big screen. He means the world to us. Once glance from him, or if you are lucky, a full second of eye contact, can translate into moments that are cherished for life. Such is the status of most Bollywood stars in India. But some stars just don’t care if they are the centre of their fans’ universe. And when they don’t care, they just don’t care.

Towards the end of 2010, the producers of a film were facing a difficult, but not unusual, task – they had to promote a run-of-the-mill slapstick comedy. The cast comprised a series of nightmares – an out-of-work balding actor with a border-line alcohol addiction; a Superstar with very few scenes in the film (so of course, he refused to promote the film); an actor-turned-producer  of the film (who was the ringmaster of the circus when the film was being shot); two passably average actresses and a seasoned comedian.

The film’s promotions had the usual harebrained marketing strategies backing them. That apart, nobody had thought about how awful it would be to work with this jamboree of ‘stars’. Of the several marketing activities planned around the film’s promotions, one was to get the Superstar (the only decent name in the cast) to talk to his fans. This activity is called Celebrity Voice Chat and is, to put it mildly, a money-making racket.

This is a voice-based activity, where the mobile user calls a given number to speak to a celebrity. The numbers of subscriptions are huge, but not all of them can talk to the celebrity. Thus, the mobile operator selects 10 or 12 subscribers out of a pool of lakhs of hopefuls, who then get a chance to briefly talk to the star. Other subscribers can listen in on their conversation. The crazed fans pay as much as Rs 30 for this slim chance of a lifetime.

Executing this activity was no cake walk. After multiple tantrums and several ego-hassles, complete with games of Chase-the-Manager, the Superstar agreed to do this activity “for his fans”. Finally, the activity date was fixed and the promotions kicked off. Within just three days, lakhs of users had subscribed to talk or just hear their favourite Superstar’s voice. The producers were happy with the film’s promotions, and the mobile operator was laughing all the way to the bank.

On the morning of the activity day, the Superstar who was “doing this for his fans”, decided to call it off. An inane reason – “Today I am shooting and I can’t promote some other film on the sets” – was given for the decision. Mobile users had already paid for participation, and if the mobile operator was unable to get this going, he would face an enquiry by the Telecom Regulatory Authority of India (TRAI).

The producer of the film was called to handle the situation. Begging and pleading, and singing paeans to their friendship, he finally persuaded the Superstar to go through with the activity. The Superstar agreed. Skipping off happily, the team readied for the activity at Mehboob Studio later that afternoon, on the sets of another film.

The clock struck 2 pm, and the calls stared pouring in. But our Superstar was nowhere to be seen.

Subscribers had dialled in and were eagerly waiting to hear his voice. After all, this was the day they would remember for the rest of their lives. This was no ordinary man – and they would hear him in person. But where was He?

At almost a half hour after 2 pm, our Superstar walked out of one of the shooting floors and went straight to his vanity van. 15 minutes later, he was out of his van, but then he wanted to do the activity after he had had his lunch – and to hell with the fans waiting for over an hour on their phones across the country.

After a two-hour delay, the Superstar decided to honour his commitment towards his fans. He took the first call and heard his fans’ jubilant voices – despite the wait – at the other end.  But he cringed and quickly pushed the handset away from his ears. A curt “Hello” was said into the phone and he gestured to the team to drop the call and take the next one. The next caller was a woman, so she got a cursory “How are you?” and “Do watch my upcoming movie,” from him. But the pressure of talking to these excited strangers got to him. He gestured again, this time to say, “Stop the activity”.

Handing over the handset, he walked back to his vanity van and shut the door behind him.

The producers and mobile operator were relieved that he at least spoke to two people; they wouldn’t have to face any legal hassles. The paid subscribers were informed that due to technical difficulties, the activity could not be completed. Subsequently, the movie was a disaster at the box-office.

Moral of the story: For a Superstar, facing two euphoric callers, spending millions of other people’s rupees and disappointing lakhs of fans is all in a day’s work. No Problem!

Sharp as a tack, sitting on more hot scoops than she knows what to do with, M is a media professional with an eye on entertainment. 

 

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