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Why I was happy when my mother married again

Deep Shrivastava’s mother, Anuja, was widowed at a very young age. Today, she is married and lives in the UK.
As told to Reyna Mathur

My mother is the picture of happiness today – she has good health, a loving husband, a close circle of friends. At 66, she is doing all the things she never had the time or money for earlier. She travels, has a reading club, goes to the park for Tai Chi, even takes a baking class for the neighbourhood children.

This is not the story of a retired woman finally finding the time to enjoy her life. My mother, Anuja, got married for the second time five years ago. Her husband, Prashant, is settled in the UK and runs a small restaurant near their home. I lost my own father, Sushil, when I was about five years old. He had a heart attack on his way back from work one day and died in the train before he could get help. My mother was left to look after me, without an income and no skills that could get her a job.

It is safe to say that my childhood passed in relative poverty. My parents had not saved up too much money, and the expenses were mounting up. I remember seeing very little of my mother in those days…always a great cook, she would take catering orders for parties and weddings. She was always out of the house, even on Sundays, when other mothers would be at home with their kids. I was mostly brought up by my grandparents while my mother worked all the time. If she didn’t have orders, she would take home cooking classes.

I have seen her struggle to raise me, never once refusing to buy me something I wanted even when she had little money. She gave me a great education, a good life at home, even started saving up for my wedding…but she was unhappy. She rarely smiled – I used to think it was because she was tired from working all the time. But it was something else. I realised my mother was in love…

She met Prashant when she was catering for his nephew’s engagement party. They were instantly drawn to each other – he had never married and was not looking for a relationship. Neither was she, because she had a son at home and a house that needed her. But there were sparks, and for the two weeks he was in India, they would meet every day.

I had just started working at the time. My grandfather had already told me about the situation. It turned out that Prashant did not want to be married, and she was keen on marriage. I convinced my grandpa to call him home. It was the sweetest thing watching my mother bring her boyfriend home to meet her parents! I don’t know what my grandparents said to him, but two months later, Prashant proposed to my mother and she accepted.

I had kept a cheerful face throughout and participated with gusto during the wedding ceremony in Mumbai. But as she walked through the gates at the airport to fly to her new home, the tears started to fall down my face. My mother, my saviour, my hero…she was finally about to discover happiness after working all her life for me. As she turned back for a last look, I saw that she was crying too…and then she smiled through her tears.

Deep Shrivastava is a chartered accountant based in Pune. ‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy silverinnings.blogspot.com. Image used for representational purpose only)

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Wedding season nears for senior citizens

The wedding season is upon us. Senior citizens, too, will get a shot at wedded bliss in a December event.
by The Editors | editor@themetrognome.in

It is every person’s dream to find the right partner and settle down in matrimonial bliss. If we cannot find true love, our parents do the job for us! But what happens to those who are in the autumn of their lives? If they are alone and in need of a companion, where can they go find one?

Sailesh Mishra
Sailesh Mishra

This is where excellent events such as an upcoming ‘wedding and companionship mela’ for seniors comes in. Hosted by Rotary Club of Mumbai, Nariman Point and The Metrognome’s content partners Silver Inning Foundation, the ‘Jeevan Saathi Sammelan’ is being held to encourage single seniors to find a partner for marriage or for a live-in relationship.

Singles will be encouraged to find a suitable partner and initiate a relationship on the spot. “They can meet at the venue, exchange contact details if they think they want to take things forward. It is up to them to get married in the future, or have a live-in relationship. We are also encouraging people to come find a companion at the Sammelan. Many people come seeking constant companions, not a romantic relationship,” explains Silver Inning founder Sailesh Mishra.

Silver Innings had hosted a similar event in 2013, to stupendous success. “We had people coming from interior parts of Maharashtra, and there was a huge crowd at the gates. We insist on a proper registration process and the application form is pretty detailed. Applicants must also give supporting documents when they mention their status: divorcees must submit a copy of the divorce certificate, for example,” Sailesh says.

His learning from the previous event was that women participants are more careful about choosing their prospective partner, and that they look for financial security. “The women mostly wanted marriage, while the men wanted live-in relationships,” Sailesh says.

The Sammelan will be held on December 13, 2015 at Dadar. Watch this space for more details on how to register.  

(Picture courtesy www.mid-day.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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Why senior citizens must keep mentally active

Writing, trading on shares online…there is nothing that a senior citizen cannot learn to keep alert and in prime wellness.
by Nagesh Kini

The rapidly changing dynamics of the population profile have resulted in an increasing addition of elders, those in the 60+ age bracket.

This has brought about the urgent need to seek the active participation of these presently mentally and physically stable senior men and women into the main stream of the society. Not doing this can make them prey to debilitating ailments like Alzheimer’s, dementia, Parkinson’s, vertigo, spondylitis, diabetes, cardiac conditions, strokes, hypertension, and vision and hearing losses, among many others. Their consequences can be minimised by preventing the feelings of isolation and marginalisation by making them independent and fruitful members of society, by changing social attitudes to keep themselves mentally alert to keep potential serious neurological disorders at bay.

It is essential for those after 60 to keep both mentally and physically agile rather than succumb to lifestyle diseases. According to a recent study published by the reputed British Medical Journal, The Lancet, physical inactivity or peoples’ failure to spend at least 150 minutes a week doing moderate exercise such as brisk walking for 30 minutes five days a week is responsible for 5.3m of the 57m deaths globally. This causes about 6 to 10% of major non-communicable diseases including coronary heart diseases and type 2 Diabetes.

Another team from Brigham & Women’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School estimated the global impact of physical inactivity by calculating population attributable factors – or how much of the diseases could theoretically be prevented if people were sufficiently active both mentally and physically if inactivity decreased by 10-25% translates to 533,000 and 1.3m deaths potentially averted worldwide. Life expectancy could rise by 0.68 years if physically eliminated.

Post-retirement activities – both mental and physical – can go a long way in retirees maintaining their own mental equilibrium by contributing to wellbeing of the society at large. They can contribute their valuable hands-on experiences in profession and industry and provide vital intellectual inputs.

These days one of the most intellectually stimulating mental activities is writing by contributing to columns in publications of repute. This requires the writer to undertake deep study of the subject both on and off-line and keeps the brain busy by keeping constantly updated on the subject before putting the matter in print.

Writing is an extremely low cost, challenging and stimulating exercise. It can take place in the confines of one’s home. It just involves accessing facts and figures on-line and putting flesh on to the skeleton to bring out a well authored output that can initiate mind-boggling debates from readers far and wide. Writing can be financially rewarding, too – publications these days do remunerate columnists handsomely.

Writing need not necessarily be on professional issues; one can even write, among others on matters of common interests like hobbies, spirituality, food, nature and health, like benefits of walking!

Being basic computer literate can go a long way for the elders in helping their writing forays. It no longer requires putting down the matter in long hand and then having to transcribe it on a typewriter to manually post the hardcopy. All that one does is to punch a few keys to put it down in the Word format – edit, add, delete and amend the matter at will and mail it across. And hey presto you’ve conveyed your thoughts miles across! More and more senior citizens have become computer savy and learnt to keep in touch on Skype not only with their offspring, grandchildren and siblings, friends and even distant relations staying in the other end of the world at any hour of the day. I have a 75-year-old aunt at Bengaluru who picked up computer skills from her granddaughter and now merrily trades online – making a lot of money in the bargain!  This helps get her over loneliness by keeping in touch just punching the keys sitting at home all the time!

A happy retirement with activities like writing can make for a lot of difference to prevent isolation and loneliness!

Nagesh Kini is a Mumbai based chartered accountant-turned-activist. ‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.samopportunities.in. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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The rights of senior citizens

Are you aware of your rights as a senior citizen in India? Read on to know what these rights are.
by Advocate Aileen S Marques

In 2014, India had about 10 crore people above 60 years of age, this number is expected to touch 32 crores by 2050. The 2014 report by a NGO- Helpage India highlights a very sad state of affairs in the lives of the “old in age-young at heart”. According to this survey more than 50% respondents faced some form of abuse and 41% of them chose to keep silent and bear the pain. It’s time that the hands that nurtured us reclaim their rights.

Similar to the theory of reverse mortgage, all those who will benefit from the property and assets of the senior citizens are legally bound to provide for their needs.

The document ‘UN Principles of Ageing’ (1982) is considered the basic guideline for promotion of the rights of senior citizens. The five principles enumerated therein are: Independence; Participation; Care; Self-Fulfilment and Dignity. The right to access adequate food, water, shelter, clothing and health care is basic to the lives of senior citizens. They should also have access to health care to help them maintain the best possible level of physical, mental and emotional well-being.

Older persons have a right to live in dignity in a safe environment, free from exploitation and mental, economic and physical abuse. The Indian laws provide for maintenance for parents who are ignored and neglected by their children. The section 125 of the Code of Criminal Procedure provides for the maintenance of parents who are unable to maintain themselves. The Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005 provides protection from violence, the right to residence and maintenances for women (even mothers) who face violence from their children.

The Maintenance and Welfare of Parents and Senior Citizens Act, 2007, is an Act that provides more effective provisions for the maintenance and welfare of parents and senior citizens guaranteed and recognised under the Indian Constitution. Parents and senior citizens have a right to be maintained by their children. Similar to the theory of reverse mortgage, all those who will benefit from the property and assets of the senior citizens are legally bound to provide for their needs.

So if the senior citizen has property which his/her children will inherit on his/her death, then according to 2007 Act, they are legally bound to maintain the senior citizen during their lifetime. Children have an obligation towards their parents. In an attempt to rejuvenate the lives of the senior citizens, the Government of India has introduced many policies and schemes. Senior citizens have to realise that they have rights, the most important being the right to life. It is important that they become aware of their rights and assert them rather than succumb to the pains and pressure of their victimising children. Life is a blessing of God, live it with grace and dignity.

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy estatebulletin.in. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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My father loves me for my money

This woman’s father has been abusive, biased towards her older brother and refuses to let her get married. A personal account.
As told to Reyna Mathur

Every child loves his parents. I grew up loving my mother and father, listening to their every instruction, sometimes getting admonished when I got into scrapes. But I have been told that I was an unusually obedient child, in sharp contrast to my naughty older brother.

But very early in life, I began to see signs of biased behaviour of my parents towards my brother and I. As the older child, he got all the new things – school books, school bag, toys, pens and pencils, art materials, the list goes on. While I always contended with hand-me-downs. I remember being envious of my classmates even at a very young age: their new books and shiny compass boxes would make me really jealous. I remember hating the tattered school textbooks and stationery passed on to me after my brother was done with them. “You can use your brother’s things, why should we waste more money?” my parents would say. Any time I asked for anything new, I got it after much pleading and only after my parents were certain that my brother didn’t already have it.

But they would quickly give in when he demanded anything. I realised early on that they viewed buying new things for me as a “waste of money”.

As I grew up, I began to see that my father was more biased towards me than my mother was. My grades were never good enough, I was “a burden” on him, I was too dull witted to ever make a good marriage, I was nothing compared to my smart, A-Grade student brother. It later turned out that my mother’s second pregnancy had been an accident, and that my parents had been bitterly disappointed that I had been born a girl. I was crushed when I learnt this. It was an important lesson in how parents can view their own children – being a girl, my parents were worried about the future expenses of marrying me off. Though that prospect was years away, my father kept reminding me of it whenever he got the chance. When I was selecting courses for college, I was told to apply for Arts because that was a cheaper option. I had wanted to pursue the Commerce stream, but my father said that he would have to enrol me for tuition classes that were very expensive.

Let me put it this way: I am not a good-looking woman. I have always been slightly overweight, I suffer from bad skin and I had persistent digestive problems as a child. To this day, my father totals up the money spent on my treatment. There was a point when my Std 7 class teacher sent me to the school psychologist because she realised I was battling low self esteem. The sessions helped a little, but my father refused to come meet the doctor.

I channeled my energies into writing and dramatics. In college, I was part of a drama group and we even toured other cities once as part of our college’s theatre initiative for youth. After college, I chanced upon a job for a teacher at a private school. I have been a teacher for almost 10 years now. The work is fulfilling and I make very good money from private tuitions.

That should have been my happy ending – but it was not. My parents’ laadla son now works in Gurgaon and parts with only a tiny amount of his salary. Whereas I, still living with my parents, have taken up the burden of my home. Ever since I started earning, my father’s attitude towards me changed. He became more friendly, more open to discussing the house problems. He is very direct when it comes to asking for money, and I don’t grudge him. He has come up from a very humble background so money is important to him. He is also retired so he is worried about his financial future.

But he refuses to let me marry. Every time there is a marriage proposal, he fobs off the match with some silly excuse. “The boy is too dark…he is settled abroad, we don’t want you to go far away…the boy is not earning too much money…” At first I was perplexed. Most of these matches were perfectly good ones, they were prospects suggested by friends and relatives. So when I pestered my mother for an explanation, she finally burst out, “What will happen to us when you get married?”

She regretted opening her mouth the moment she said the words. My father didn’t say anything but the fact that he would not meet my eyes was proof enough of what my mother said. My parents expect me to be single because they are worried about their future. God knows they cannot depend on their son. I have assured them both that I will continue supporting the house wherever I may be, but my father says, “What if your husband does not allow it?”

After years of relegating second status to me, why are they still forcing me to stay single? I am currently in a relationship but my father refuses to let me get married, saying “You cannot have a love marriage, I will not allow it.”

It is a matter of minutes for me to step out of the house forever and get settled, but then I worry: What about my parents once I leave the house? Will it make me a bad daughter?

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.katherinebdobson.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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Divorced, childless…but I got my life together

Girish Mohanty found inner peace after his son’s death and his subsequent divorce. Today, he lives a life of complete contentment.

It is the worst nightmare of any parent’s life – to lose a child. My son, Biplab, was a talented singer and a Grade A student. We moved to Mumbai from Kolkata in the early 1990s, because he wanted to study music and we found an excellent teacher here. My wife, Shoma, and I found jobs here and we lived in a beautiful rented apartment before finding our own home four years later.

Monu – as I called Biplab – fell ill one day. He must have been about 14 years old. He was nauseous, feverish and said his throat was raw. He recovered after resting for a few days, then fell ill again. This time, he developed pain in his joints. Doctors diagnosed it as a form of viral fever. He was better after medication, and there were no further episodes for a few months. Then one day, he fell ill again and became unconscious while playing.

We rushed him to hospital, but he never regained consciousness. The doctors told us it was a form of brain haemorrhage, that his chances of waking up were minimal. They also said that his earlier symptoms had nothing to do with his present condition. They could offer no proper explanation about his illness. My son passed away four days later. He was only 16.

I cannot even remember the months of agony that followed. I think I blanked it out from my mind. What I do remember is that Shoma and I had nothing to say to each other. It seemed like Monu had been our only link to each other for years now. I wonder what couples who lose their children talk about? Most of our conversations were about the house and our son before his death. With him gone, it was like two strangers living in a house.

She developed depression. She blamed herself constantly for the death, she also blamed me. She ranted at me, cried all the time, refused to come to terms with the death. I tried looking after her, but she seemed to have developed hatred towards me. In desperation, I asked her older sister to take her away for a while, so she could recuperate. I also wanted to deal with my own grief, I needed to clear out Monu’s belongings so that I would not go mad at the sight of them. I realised that I was becoming suicidal. My best friend in the city took me to a therapist so that I could talk about my grief. Those sessions helped a lot, but not completely.

Shoma was better at her sister’s house, especially bonding with their pet dog. But slowly I realised that she did not want to return. “I cannot live in that house,” she whispered on the phone. “I think of him constantly…I can’t come back…” I asked her if we should move back to Kolkata, since we had a house there. We tried it for a few months, but we argued constantly. I finally realised that she did not want to be with me – I reminded her of Monu.

Two years later, we were divorced. She continues to live in our home in Kolkata, I send her money for expenses, I call her on her birthday. Meanwhile, I have turned Monu’s room into a study and I take private tuitions for Class 10 students there. Every year, I honour 10 bright but poor students in Monu’s name by paying their school fees. I have found a public garden whose gardener lets me potter about and help him. My friend suggested I get a pet dog, and I did – Kulcha is now two years old and loves to boss me. I go out for drinks with friends, I started a small Internet-based business from home and I can say that I am totally content with my life.

Of course I think of Monu all the time. He would have been in his late 20s today. Some people say that I have been heartless towards Shoma, leaving her alone in Kolkata. But I realised that she needed to grieve alone. Monu was her entire world, and it is my duty to honour her wishes if she wants to process his death in her own way. I would love to have her back in my life and I have told her so. Till she returns, however, I am making the most of my time. I am a senior citizen who is totally alone. But I owe it to myself to be happy and content.

‘Grey Space’ is a weekly column on senior citizen issues. If you have an anecdote or legal information, or anything you feel is useful to senior citizens, caregives and the society at large, feel free to get it published in this space. Write to editor@themetrognome.in or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/Themetrognome.in and we will publish your account.

(Picture courtesy www.huffingtonpost.com. Image is used for representational purpose only)

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