Tag: autism

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Autism

A rich tapestry of insight

Mothers who are exposed to Relationship Development Intervention are better able to visualise the future for their autism spectrum child.
Kamini Lakhaniby Kamini Lakhani | saiconnections01@gmail.com

Part 12 of the Autism diaries. 

I recently had a meeting with parents of a five-year-old. The mother did not seem to understand what was going on with the child. She felt that because she had left her child alone for one day, his autistic symptoms had aggravated overnight. I could see that the child was very clingy, he was not able to communicate and had a very low body tone. Even though he was clinging to his mother, the eye gaze was out of sync and he seemed disconnected. What the mother said concerned me even more – she was worried about what would happen to her child in his later years. She was not clear about what she wanted for her child – her major concern seemed to be about his speech.

This is a very common scenario. I definitely don’t mean to belittle the mother or her feelings in anyway. She needs help in terms of acceptance of the situation, pacing herself to focus on the present and worrying less about a distant future. The feedback loop between the mother and child is compromised and definitely needs rebuilding. The core deficits of autism stood out menacingly with this child – his lack of motivation, emotional sharing, meaningful communication, etc. All this would warrant the implementation of the RDI Programme (Relationship Development Intervention). In addition to all of this, his speech and motor issues would need to be handled by experienced Speech Language Pathologists and Occupational Therapists.

This scenario stayed with me through the next day – to my weekly group meeting with my empowered moms, who have been on the RDI programme for two years. I now wanted to see where they all stood. So I gave them this little exercise to do: they needed to put down their thoughts regarding the following questions – What is it that you want your child to achieve? Suppose you did not have any restrictions in your life (in terms of money, family situations, etc.) what kind of optimal educational scenario would you visualise for your child to achieve the vision that you have of him or her?

The mothers started to write quickly.  When they read out what they had written, I was amazed by the clarity of thought. Even more amazing was the fact that each mother had understood her child’s potential and strengths accurately.

Here are some examples:

Viji: “I definitely want to work on repairing the core deficits through RDI. Besides a good GPR (Guided Participation Relationship) with me, Vishal should be well connected with other family members and friends. I want him to develop his culinary skills in order to develop an option for future employment. I want to hone his musical skills so that he spends his leisure time fruitfully. He should also be physically active and be part of some outdoor games such as cricket, basketball. He already does take part in some of these.”

Uma: “My daughter Shraddha should be able to engage in deeper level thinking, so that she is like any other typical girl. I want her to have meaningful communication, which will lead to an independent life (since she is very skilled too) I want her to be able to handle money efficiently and that will require some specialised training. I also want her to engage in some sports activity in the evening so that she can spend her evenings in a meaningful manner.

Priti: “I want my son, Tanay, to be totally independent. For this he requires training with self help skills, communication and language development. Through the RDI Programme, he has developed in terms of social and emotional connectedness and awareness.  For further independence, he needs to also learn basic math and proper use of money. I also want him to engage in some painting, cooking, pottery or music. These could be looked at as leisure skills and these will enable him to spend his free time meaningfully.”

My heart was filled with joy. Two years ago, these women were just like the young, vulnerable mother described at the start of this column. Look at what a long way they have come! What beautiful empowered moms! I am impressed with their understanding and their voicing of opinions with authority.

We’ve all come a long way. I think about one of Dr Gutstein’s power point slides which I had encountered during my training.

•ASD children teens and adults with average and above IQ, represent about 2/3 of all people with ASD:

(About .66% of the world’s population or 40 million persons worldwide)

Only 10% find employment

Only 3% live independently

Real friendship and marriage is less than 1%

This slide that had shaken the daylights out of me. This had actually goaded me to train professionally as an RDI Consultant.

Can you imagine what will happen if all parents start feeling empowered and start thinking positively and proactively? Hopefully, the above slide will be modified! The sky is the limit. These mothers are so motivated that they will reach for the stars! As their consultant, I feel like I’ve accomplished my mission!

India has a handful of RDI Consultants, reaching out and guiding parents. Are you interested in becoming an RDI Consultant?

I invite you to join me in creating these beautiful rich tapestries for each family. The weave of your thread in another’s life may create a legacy – which will remain even when you no longer do…

Please feel free to reach out to me for more information, at saiconnections01@gmail.com.

This column concludes the series on Autism Diaries. Kamini Lakhani is the founder of SAI Connections. She is a Behaviour Analyst, an RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) Consultant, Supervisor and Trainer responsible for RDI professional training in India and the Middle East. She is the mother of an adult on the Autism Spectrum. She is also a member of Forum for Autism.

(Picture courtesy www.mindfulguideconsulting.com. Image used for representational purpose only)

Categories
Autism

The spirit of collaboration

Collaboration and respect – for autism spectrum children, parents and other professionals – will help in making a communications breakthrough.
Kamini Lakhaniby Kamini Lakhani | saiconnections01@gmail.com

Part 11 of the Autism Diaries – success comes with teamwork and collaboration.

You may have watched the film, The Theory of Everything. It is based on the real life story of the eminent scientist, Stephen Hawking. Directed by James Marsh, the film has some truly wonderful performances, and fetched lead actor Eddie Redmayne an Oscar performance as well.

In his 20’s, Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with ALS (which is widely known after the Ice Bucket Challenge). People with ALS are known to not live very long as their entire motor neuron system gets impacted. It is extremely painful to watch the progression of this disease. But Stephen Hawking, as you all know, has beaten all odds to survive. Not only survive, but he continues to come up with brilliant scientific theories that are mind boggling.

The triumph of emergence and victory stayed with me long after I watched the movie. The beauty and strength of the human spirit continues to baffle me and touch me in a deep way.

Having worked with people on the Autism Spectrum for the past two decades, I was also struck by the communication device that is used by Stephen Hawking. There is this beautiful scene in the film where his wife tries to get him to use a communication board, where he needs to spell out words by glancing at letters. The pain that such an intelligent and highly advanced mind goes through to function through such an elementary level was heart wrenching. I couldn’t help but think that many of my own students may be going through exactly the same thing. Having a mind and body not in sync, must be the most frustrating thing in the world.

Later on, a highly specialized augmentative communication device, a sophisticated computer with voice output is used by Hawking.

As I watched this movie, I thought about my students on the Autism Spectrum who are non-vocal.  Surely there must be communication devices that could help them too. But how should I go about this? Augmentative Communication Devices are not something that I know much about.

The idea would be to get a specialist or expert in the field of Augmentative Communication to help us with this. This is why I requested Bala Sriram to help us out – as this is her area of expertise. Bala has 40 years of experience behind her and is very well known for her good work. Here  are some sound bytes  from Bala about collaboration.

“While Collaboration and Consultation are often used interchangeably, they are quite different.

With Consultation, it is an ‘expert’ model. One professional is sharing their expertise with some other professional who is working with the student.

With collaboration, all professionals involved are equal contributors and are recognised for their individual expertise and what they have to offer to the team.

In professional collaboration, there must be shared responsibility and shared decision-making among general education teachers, special education teachers, and related service professionals.

Have the Speech Language Pathologist and or the Occupational Therapist work in the classroom with the teachers and with the parents in a home school setting.

In conclusion, a collaborative TEAM effort is the key to success.”

And this is exactly what a family and I were discussing recently. Basically, I guide the parents about restoring the guide apprenticeship feedback loop which is disrupted. As a result of this, the parent child relationship is getting normalised. We are also seeing the child improve in terms of problem-solving and development of dynamic intelligence. We have seen a surge in language, but to maintain that momentum and also to improve articulation, we would need input from a Speech Language Pathologist. The family is working with an experienced Occupational Therapist, as the child has many sensory needs as well.

As we all know, one size does not fit all. Each child on the Spectrum has unique needs. These unique needs are based on varying co-occurring conditions that exist along with the core deficits of autism. This particular child has speech and sensory needs. Another child may not necessarily have sensory needs, but may have anxiety issues along with speech issues. Yet another child may have severe aggression, behaviour issues, learning issues, epilepsy, vision problems etc.

Customisation of a programme, to the needs of a family, requires a collaborative effort.

The basis of this collaborative effort should be respect. Sometimes I feel that respect is a highly over used word and done to death! However, at the cost of being repetitive, I would like to share my thoughts.

1. Respect for the child.

We all say we respect the children that we work with. But do we continue to speak about them in front of them? People on the Spectrum who are non vocal may not ‘speak’- but that doesn’t mean that they don’t understand. This applies to parents speaking about their kids in front of them too!

2. Respect for the parents.

I have a dual role – that of a parent and a professional.  We as parents go through our own agony and stress. And we as professionals should support parents to be team members. The input that parents can provide is quite invaluable. They are also the agents who ensure that generalisation happens. Are we giving credence to their opinions? Are we nurturing them enough?

3. Respect for other professionals.

Every professional who is part of the team, has their own area of expertise. I don’t think anyone else can judge another’s field of expertise. What I find difficult to get over is how a professional from one area of specialty can run down somebody from a different specialty, and that too without understanding the other’s area of specialisation fully.

I must say that we have a wonderful group known as the ‘China Gate’ group which consists of about 80 professionals having diverse specialties. This group is moderated by the dynamic Mrs. Sriram. The aim is to have a cohesive group that can learn from each other. It is a fantastic initiative. Other such laudable initiatives include the Monitoring and Resource Committees set up by Forum For Autism.

Here are some wise words by a parent of a teenager on the Autism Spectrum. “I have always believed in team work, as long as the professionals involved are not working at cross purposes. It’s important to gain from different perspectives. I also believe totally in parent involvement in this entire process.”

Are we as professionals willing to get out of our comfort zones to support each other?

Are we as parents willing to get out of the shadows of intimidation and let our lights shine?

What is your take on this? Feel free to share your thoughts with me at saiconnections01@gmail.com.

Kamini Lakhani is the founder of SAI Connections. She is a Behaviour Analyst, an RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) Consultant, Supervisor and Trainer responsible for RDI professional training in India and the Middle East. She is the mother of an adult on the Autism Spectrum. She is also a member of Forum for Autism.

(Picture courtesy www.thehindu.com)

Categories
Autism

Slow down to speed up

Slowing down and taking stock of your emotions as the parent of an autism spectrum child will give you perspective.
Kamini Lakhaniby Kamini Lakhani | saiconnections01@gmail.com

Part 10 of the Autism Diaries – Take a step back and slow down to engage better.

The days that I test out hypotheses with my students (most of whom are on the Autism Spectrum), are the best days of my life. Maybe, it’s the challenge that they present to me, which I thrive on. I also know that I will leave school that day happier and wiser!

So a couple of weeks ago, I had a session with Rakesh, a 20-year-old, who is non vocal and very smart. It was difficult to get him to engage with me. I had to really slow down the ball play between us to get him to continue with his role. At one point, he left the framework and made himself comfortable on a chair. I tried to invite him back to the interaction, but I could see that he was tense and had started to peel the skin from his fingers! I went up to him and said, “Listen, you can trust me. I will not push you over the edge”. He looked up at me and smiled his naughty smile. Wonder of wonders, he got up without protest! ‘That was not difficult’, I thought to myself.

The session ended without further event and I moved onto my next session with a mother of a 15-year-old who is integrated in a regular school. This family has been practicing RDI for many years and have experienced the benefit of the program to a great extent. What presents more of a challenge is the ADHD that the youngster also displays. We started to talk about the videos submitted and the work the mother had done with him that week.

She made a remark that struck me. She said she knows her framework is successful when she gets a studying response from her son! That made a lot of sense. A studying response is the result of slowing down substantially so that you can be mentally engaged with somebody else. For a person whose mind and body work at a feverish pace (due to the ADHD), this spells a slowing down of all systems of the body, to create moments of connection with another person. How profound!

Fast forward one week down the line. I found myself calling a friend and asking her if she and I could plan a trip out of town for a day. I suggested that we drive out to Pune and meet up with anotherautism friend, spend the day amongst ourselves and then head back at night. My condition though, was that we would not talk about autism. Being a fellow mom, she understood and we both laughed about it.

I was feeling saturated and overwhelmed. I wanted time away from routine and my work, my family, basically everything. Of course, there is nothing wrong in wanting time out. I believe that everyone needs to spend time away from routine. When you’re away from a situation, you can see it more clearly.

But something was gnawing at me – this was different.

I had just finished with a tough term at school, I was overworked. Normally in situations like this, I look forward to spending time at home with family. Why was I trying to leave this time? Much as I tried to figure it out, I couldn’t quite get it. So, I tried to apply the advice that I give to parents facing overwhelming situations:

Face your emotions

Just experience what you are going through. Feel it deeply. If you are angry, just feel it without trying to change or rationalise the feeling. Spend some time alone.

Do not judge yourself

Be kind to yourself. Do not judge yourself for the feelings that you are experiencing. What you are facing as a parent is truly difficult. There is no need to feel guilty. Embrace yourself. Accept what you are going through.

Clear the clutter

Life moves at a frantic speed. What is truly important? You could get involved in a hundred things. But what is it that you really want? What is your most authentic role? What is it that ‘only you’ can do?

Somewhere along the line, we need to cut out things that are not that important and focus on what is really important. Prioritisation. Cut out the clutter. Simplify.

I quickly made a list of things that I needed to cut out.

After about an hour, I really felt much better. I messaged my friend saying that I did not feel the need to ‘get away’ anymore. Wow! I thought, ‘What works for my students, also works for me.’

Slow down…to speed up (a phrase that Dr Gutstein uses frequently).

See www.rdiconnect.com for more information about Relationship Development Intervention.

Being in a better frame of mind, I sit down to view Rakesh’s videos and type out his report. I see myself telling him, I’m not going to push you over the edge. He smiles his beautiful smile.

Is it because he knew that I was about to be pushed over the edge?

Have you experienced the effects of ‘slowing down’? Do you have questions about ASD? I would love to hear from you. Feel free to send me an email at saiconnections01@gmail.com.

Kamini Lakhani is the founder of SAI Connections. She is a Behaviour Analyst, an RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) Consultant, Supervisor and Trainer responsible for RDI professional training in India and the Middle East. She is the mother of an adult on the Autism Spectrum. She is also a member of Forum for Autism.

(Pictures courtesy www.we4autism.org, www.empowher.com. Images are used for representational purpose only)

Categories
Autism

Does Mumbai really have a heart?

Why does the city with its fabled spirit treat the differently-abled as alien species to be isolated from mainstream society?
Kamini Lakhaniby Kamini Lakhani | saiconnections01@gmail.com

Part 9 of the Autism Diaries – Why Mumbai needs to be more inclusive.

This past week has been a totally revolutionary one at Sai Connections. The mothers on the RDI Programme have been on a mission – a mission to take their youngsters out into stores and supermarkets in the neighbourhood. The idea was to give them a chance to integrate their learning in the natural environment.

Some students have really surprised us. 20-year-old Shashank was taken to a cake shop for the first time. The whole RDI class watched his video with bated breath. He entered the shop and happily studied what was around him. He looked at the variety of cakes and pastries as if mesmerised. He eyed the drinks available in the refrigerator and got one out. When his mother asked him to put it back as they were there to buy pastries, he complied with her. There was no incident of grabbing. He looked well-regulated, paid for his cake (he chose this rather than the pastries) and walked out happily! You would appreciate this even more if you knew that Shashank had huge self-regulation issues related to food in the past. It was almost impossible to stop him from grabbing food.

Young Nafi pushed the trolley around the supermarket. He helped his mother to shop by picking up items that she wanted. This was great, as this was his first time too, in a supermarket.

I can’t emphasise enough how important these experiences are for learning. After all, you can’t learn about life, sitting at a table and identifying and labelling pictures. Both mothers reported that they felt so good taking their children out! They felt a sense of accomplishment and competence.

However, both incidents were marred by unpleasantness. Shashank and his mother were refused entry into the first cake shop they attempted to shop at, the McCraig at Pali Hill. This could have been due to the fact that the mother wanted to record the session. However, it clearly escalated into unpleasantness when things got a bit rough with Shashank. He sat on a chair at the store and refused to leave. On seeing this, the store personnel got upset and actually told his mother, “Inko yahan se le jayeeye (Please take him away)!”

Nafi’s mom Zohra was first refused entry and permission to shoot at the supermarket. I’m not clear if the reason for this was the video recording. Let’s give the supermarket the benefit of the doubt Autism spectrumand assume the refusal for entry was the video shooting. However, Zohra is not the type of person to give up easily. She took Nafi back to the store and explained to the manager that she needed to help her child understand how to behave in a supermarket. Finally, they let her in.

But what I saw in the clip horrified me. Somebody actually walked up to her and asked, “Permission liya hai kya?” Mind you, this is a tiny supermarket with two aisles! My heart sank as I saw Zohra’s expression. With a humble look on her face, she murmured a soft ‘yes’.

Nobody needs to be treated this way. What was the crime? Taking your son shopping in a supermarket?

Her efforts should be appreciated! Later on the same clip, this bunch of twerps stare away at Nafi, as he wheels the trolley to the payment counter. Again, why?

Where exactly are we headed? Recently a youngster with Down’s Syndrome was asked to leave school as he was not fit for the 9th grade. What is important for schools – giving students a pleasant, life-changing experience or just boosting their pass or distinction percentages?

A couple of weeks ago, the Goa CM made an absurd comment about, “Children with special needs being mistakes made by God.” Seriously? What is the value of the life of children with special needs? Why is there so much stigma? And how long is it going to take for us to learn?

I can’t help but think of an incident that had happened in the US several years ago. My son, Mohit, was about 10 years old at that time. Things weren’t going well and he was having a meltdown in a mall. My husband and I were very uncomfortable and conscious of people passing by. We tried our best to get Mohit to calm down. It took us about 15 minutes. But here’s the thing – not a single person looked or stared at us, or made any comment. They just went about their own business. How does this happen there? How come we collect a crowd of a hundred people all looking for a tamasha when our children are having a tough time on the streets in Mumbai? I’m sure that every parent of a child with special needs identifies with this.

In the US, every child with learning difficulties has a right to be in public school. Nobody can stop them from an education. So, these youngsters grow up with differently-abled class mates. Where as in India, differently-abled students are looked at as an alien species. I don’t wish to generalise as I also know there are so many kind hearted souls here in Mumbai, too, but certainly nowhere near the numbers desired. Awareness and acceptance all stem from understanding.

When will this happen in India? My heart sometimes sinks thinking about how long this change will take, and if it will take place at all.

When Siri Ming, my mentor and guide heard about these incidents, she was shocked, too. On hearing that I was going to demand an apology from the supermarket, she suggested that the apology should be a ‘meaningful apology’ – basically an apology that results from an understanding of autism, rather than just mouthing words of regret. What a beautiful thought!

And by the way, a letter of appreciation is also going out to Birdy’s ( the second cake shop that Shashank visited) for treating him respectfully and addressing him as ‘Sir’ – no differently from any other customer.

I have decided to take this on and educate people in and around my community. So have all the wonderful moms at my class.

How are you going to support autism and other developmental difficulties? Are you ready to step out of your comfort zone? The apathetic comfort zone of biased attitudes, hurtful words for the differently-abled and indifferent non-action? Are you going to push this under the carpet – like the good old ‘resilient’ Mumbaikar? Or are you going to make this a better city – a city with a heart?

The ball is in your court.

Kamini Lakhani is the founder of SAI Connections. She is a Behaviour Analyst, an RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) Consultant, Supervisor and Trainer responsible for RDI professional training in India and the Middle East. She is the mother of an adult on the Autism Spectrum. She is also a member of Forum for Autism.

Next: Slow down…to speed up.

(Pictures courtesy www.we4autism.org, autismcdc.com. Images are used for representational purpose only)

Categories
Autism

Tell me why…

Why do children on the autism spectrum sometimes give up something early? Does an underlying lack of motivation cause the problem?
Kamini Lakhaniby Kamini Lakhani | saiconnections01@gmail.com

Part 8 of the Autism Diaries – The relation between motivation and resilience.

In a Skype meeting with a family recently, the discussion veered towards why their son (now 18 years old), did not initiate any activity by himself at home. He did help with the cooking and shopping, but was not motivated to do much else. I was actually wondering, which teenager does even this much in today’s time and age! However, I understood the parental concern. After all, we do want our youngsters to be engaged meaningfully.

The example that mom gave was that if she asks him to find something from a loft up high (he’s the tallest in the family and stands at 5ft 11in!), he tries to look for the item but then gives up if he doesn’t find it quickly. While she was talking, two words flashed in my mind, Motivation and Resilience.

Incidentally, both are interconnected. To do anything, we need to be motivated. To stick with it, we need resilience. They tend to feed into other.

Lack of motivation is a core deficit of autism. How do we help? How can we increase this?

Something that another mother shared with me threw more light on the subject of motivation. She was finding it difficult to engage with her son in an experience-based, real life framework. That is, until he selected something that he wanted to do! He decided to bake shortbread cookies. It was the first time that they had baked cookies together! I saw the video clip of this and I was mesmerized. There were some parts that were difficult for him – such as kneading the dough to the right consistency, rolling out and shaping cookies, etc. But because he was so motivated, he was easily able to learn the difficult skills, too.

Could I use this model at SAI Connections too? How about showing students the bigger picture? They need to know why they are doing what they are being asked to do.

Here is an exercise that we tried:

We thought it would be an experience-based and educational exercise to get all students involved in a group lunch. So they would be involved in the entire experience of shopping for vegetables andAutism spectrum 1 ingredients, they would then be involved in the preparation, from chopping to cooking. Finally, they would be responsible for arranging the area for lunch and eating together.

So how did we go about this?

1. What is the big picture (Why)

Each student was informed by words or pictures about what the final ‘product’ would be. So if they were to be cooking pav bhaji, they were shown pictures of this. They were told that they would all be eating together and that they would all have the responsibility of getting this whole act together.

2. Co regulation and Authentic Roles (How)

Each student had an authentic role in the big picture. By authentic, I mean their role was integral to the process. If they did not complete their role, the exercise could not be completed. For example, if a student did not chop onions, we could not have cooked without that.

3. Respect and dignity

Obviously then, this afforded them the dignity that they deserve. Each and everything that they did was important. Even setting the table, if they did not do it, then one of the helpers would have to do it. Also, by letting them know why they were doing what they were doing, it was a given that they ‘understood’ and we were giving them their due respect.

Amazing results

One of the students went home and told her cook that he needn’t prepare her lunch the next day as she was going to be preparing it at school. Her mother reports that the next day, she woke up bright and early to go to school!

Another student who was responsible for making salad for the entire group, made the salad much more willingly! That particular day, he was even happy to chop onions – something that he otherwise detests!

Yet another student, who has skill issues and cuts vegetables in a slow and laidback manner, got carried away with the whole excitement that was tangible at school that day. His teacher reported that he cut much faster than usual!

By showing them the bigger picture, had we hit the motivation aspect? Again, by using co-regulation as the base of our frameworks, did we make them feel more competent and hence more motivated?

When intrinsic motivation is built, magic happens!

Working with an autistic childHere’s how it has affected the life of another family that I work with.

Aahan is a 14-year-old boy on the autism spectrum. It’s amazing how building of this self motivation has impacted his life. In his last exam he scored 70 per cent. This exam, his aim is to score 85 percent! His parents report that he has started to study on his own. This in itself is huge, as he is also affected by learning difficulties in English and Math. He wakes up early in the morning to revise. He completes ‘n’ number of revisions during his exam days. He monitors the time that he plays downstairs. He plans for the day ahead. Sure, percentages are external in nature. However, adherence towards achievement of a certain percentage is a purely an internally-driven affair. Aahan’s dynamic intelligence has also gone up to a large extent.

Is motivation that one aspect that leads to all the gears moving in sync?

Is motivation that one aspect that gives meaning to the ‘whole’ and links all the parts together?

If we work without motivation, we could spend a life time dealing with the parts. Add motivation to the mix, and the whole starts vibrating at a much higher level!

Was it Aristotle who said, ‘The whole is greater than the sum of its parts?’

Are you working on increasing motivation in your child’s or student’s life? I would love to hear your motivational stories. Please feel free to write to me at saiconnections01@gmail.com.

Kamini Lakhani is the founder of SAI Connections. She is a Behaviour Analyst, an RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) Consultant, Supervisor and Trainer responsible for RDI professional training in India and the Middle East. She is the mother of an adult on the Autism Spectrum. She is also a member of Forum for Autism.

Next: Does Mumbai really have a heart?

(Pictures courtesy ibnlive.in.com, www.we4autism.org, www.cnn.com. Images used for representational purpose only)

Categories
Autism

What is the true meaning of acceptance?

The key for parents dealing with autistic children is to focus on the positives to bring out their innate abilities.
Kamini Lakhaniby Kamini Lakhani | saiconnections01@gmail.com

Part 7 of the Autism Diaries – The only way we can save ourselves and those we love from being hurt.

Wednesday mornings are the best mornings of the week for me – because it is time for our weekly group class! We have a group of eight to nine mothers attending each week. I learn so much from this weekly interaction. I’m honoured to moderate this class and be a guide to all these wonderful people.

So on a recent Wednesday I threw open the discussion with one of my favourite quotes, “And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.” (Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner).

Every participant had their own opinion. Most of us identified with the quote. At the same time, we’ve all found our way around this. We understand another’s perspective and over a period of time, have learned not to take this too seriously, or to let it affect us badly.

Blessed to deal with autism spectrum children

We share our genetic pool with our children. Due to a lack of neural connectivity and the brain being wired differently, do our kids who are on the Autism Spectrum experience extreme literal thinking? Since they experience difficulty with simultaneous processing and have problems with perspective taking, is this problem amplified for them? It is certainly a possibility! 

Among these youngsters, there are no pretenses. You get what you see. You get unconditional love – a rare commodity these days. I feel privileged to catch glimpses of greatness on a day-to-day basis. In all the years that I have worked with them, I have felt protected and taken care of. If I am worried about something, one of the little ones will, of their own accord, come sit on my lap. Or one of the ‘big guys’ will walk into my office and put out a hand of blessing on my head!

Something happened just yesterday. I was feeling overwhelmed by a situation that engulfed me. This boy greeted me at the door, took me by the hand and walked around with me – as if to say, Autism spectrum“You’re not alone, I’m with you.” What else can one need in life?

I feel that it’s my life’s mission to create a safety net for all these wonderful people who have impacted my life in such a big way! How do I do this? I don’t have the abilities that they do, but I’m privileged to be able to understand them, to see the brilliant light in them.

The discussion moved to each mother talking about her child’s strengths. Surprise of surprises! Most of us felt that though we are aware of their strengths, we tend to focus on their weaknesses.

Focus on the strengths

For instance, one mother was constantly focussing on her son’s hyperactivity, rather than being appreciative of his love for life and curiosity that he so clearly displays. Another mom discovered that though her son was hugely skilled, she focussed on his ‘aggressive behaviours’. Yet somebody else was focused on her son’s problems related to visual perceptual skills rather than his ability to share his emotions so clearly. I am personally guilty of being over focussed on my son’s health issues rather than his tremendous artistic talent and ability!

There is a difference between being aware of what is lacking and focussing almost obsessively on it. I’m certainly not telling any parent to put on blinkers and stop looking at the deficits. What I am saying is this: Be aware of your child’s strengths, understand how your child learns. Focus on this, build the positives and support your child to overcome the deficits. But support your child by being respectful. Do not break the child’s spirit.

Here’s what one of my veteran moms, Sudha Ranganathan, has to say about this: “Acceptance is recognising their strengths and limitations and still expecting and supporting them to do better.”

Let me explain by using an example. Shraddha is a wonderful young girl, always smiling and happy, a willing learner and totally well versed and comfortable with kitchen skills. She has deficits with visual perceptual skills. Her mother feels that if Shraddha gets better with this, we could work on her reading and writing, and thereby give her an effective way to communicate.

She has a valid point. But if we focus on just getting Shraddha to read and write the conventional way, we will in all probability, fail. Instead, if we focus on the positives – her good nature, her willingness to participate, enhanced gross and fine motor skills – we can make a positive difference to this lovely girl’s life. Plus, if we keep in mind the delayed processing that Shraddha displays and learn to guide her appropriately with this, could we not come up with a superior, customised plan to teach her to read and write?

Isn’t this what respect is about? Work with their strengths. Use these to support them to overcome weaknesses.

For if you try to force a square peg into a round hole- you may end up damaging the peg! If you want to improve lives of families with children on the spectrum, or if you have any queries about autism and other learning conditions, feel free to email me at saiconnections01@gmail.com. I will be glad to help.

Kamini Lakhani is the founder of SAI Connections. She is a Behaviour Analyst, an RDI (Relationship Development Intervention) Consultant, Supervisor and Trainer responsible for RDI professional training in India and the Middle East. She is the mother of an adult on the Autism Spectrum. She is also a member of Forum for Autism.

Next: How motivation and resilience are connected to each other.

(Pictures courtesy www.jhsph.edu, www.matthewreardon.org)

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