Category: Whatay!

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Whatay!

What we learnt from ‘Koffee With Karan’

Some major learnings, none of them pleasant. Here’s a list of 5 top reasons we’re ditching this show’s next season.
by The Editors | editor@themetrognome.in

We all love a good dose of gossip, especially about celebrities. And what could be better than celebrities bitching about other celebrities? On the face of it, Karan Johar has a good formula on his hands – he invites the biggest names from the Hindi film industry to the show, he sometimes asks them about their love lives point blank, he laughs at himself and is generally a friendly presence.

And yet…Koffee With Karan Season 4 was an extremely shallow, bordering-on-pathetic attempt to make our desi stars appear more glamorous and more intelligent than they already are (not). If Karan was hoping to make a better impression this time around and lay the groundwork for the show’s next instalment, we are sorry to say that this season has been terrible, and during the father and daughter Kapoor’s last episode, we nearly stabbed ourselves in the eyes with a blunt pencil.

If this show comes up with Season 5, and it will, we are going on vacation and coming back only when the show’s over. Here’s why:

1. Karan Johar is homophobic.

We don’t know about you, but Karan gave us a headache in every single episode with his ‘At gunpoint, if you had to have a gay encounter…’ question. At gun point? What’s so gun point about having a gay encounter? Then he thought it was very funny that Aditya Roy Kapur ‘admitted’ to a gay relationship with Ranbir Kapoor. What’s more, the question and the resulting giggles indicated that Karan, and his guests, wanted us to think that everybody in the room was straight.

Next time, Karan, if you must start a question with ‘At gun point…’, consider these endings:

– Which of my films would you watch on loop for a week?

– Tell me, what do you really think of the coffee hamper?

– Tell me, why does nobody remember the name of the dog in Hum Aapke Hain Koun?

2. The dumbest guests always make it to the show.

Sonam KapoorA case in point is Sonam Kapoor, who took top spot this season from such worthies as Alia Bhatt (“My GK is bad!”) and Anushka Sharma, whose only response to any question about Virat Kohli was a giggly “Shut up, Karan!” Not only were Sonam’s views on ‘art films’ and ‘not good-looking people are not necessarily good actors’ astonishing beyond anything else we’ve heard this year, she kept peppering each sentence with the word ‘like’. Like, every four words, she would say ‘like’.

And then, like, she said, “Robert deNiro!” to the question, ‘Who said, ‘An eye for an eye makes the world blind?’ Like, really, Sonam. Did you leave your brains in your other fashionista suit?

3. Karan invites very boring guests with nothing to say.Salman Khan

For all its so-called ‘fun and candid’ quotient, our celebrities are remarkably boring on the show. Most of the guests this season made us yawn with their responses to questions – we’re not saying the likes of Aamir Khan and Madhuri Dixit are boring people, they probably get like that for Karan. The only exception to this parade of yawn-worthy guests was Salman Khan, who was merely an ass. What’s more, the show does not invite anyone outside of Mr Johar’s immediate clique – why not invite Kangana Ranaut, Richa Chadha, Huma Quraishi, Randeep Hooda, to name a few? Maybe they’re too intelligent for this show.

4. The coffee hamper is getting increasingly tacky.

What was that thing, really? We swear that picnic basket thingy is so tacky, if it met Sonam Kapoor in a dark alley, she would first have hysterics and then comment on how ‘not good looking hampers are not necessarily good hampers’.

And why do Karan’s guests pretend to fall all over themselves for the chance to win it? More to the point, what is in it? Why are the contents so secret? We’re dying to get our hands on the hamper, so that we can set fire to it.

 

5. This show is a cesspool of lies.

So. Many. Lies. On. One. Show. Either these people really believe their own deluded statements or they think viewers are nuts. The following is just a small list:

What they said What they meant
“I never read gossip magazines or papers.” I gloat over gossip written about others.
“We’ve never been friends, but we’ve always been cordial to each other when we meet.” Except for the times when I look through her/him, which is always.
“I don’t have any enemies in the industry.” Only frenemies, because I’m a bitch that way.
“I’m not insecure. There’s place for everyone.” I will do whatever it takes to sabotage my rivals’ projects.
“He’s never given me a reason to not trust him. We love each other too much to cheat.” So what if I caught him 12768 times? At the end of the day, he always comes back to me, like a homing pigeon.
“Finally winning this hamper is a monkey off my back.” Only a monkey on crack would actually want to win that thing.
“I didn’t marry a hero because I was not interested.” Also because the hero I was seeing then suddenly got himself arrested. What a bummer.

 

(Pictures courtesy www.india-forums.com, www.in.com, www.indiatimes.com, idiva.com) 

What did you think of Koffee With Karan, Season 4? Tell us in the comments section below.

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Whatay!

10 things to do when stuck in traffic at Andheri

Why waste the ample time an Andheri traffic jam provides? Here are 10 ways to divert yourself as you wait.
by Andy Reghu | @thereghu on Twitter

Andheri station. The words spell ‘doom’ for anyone who drives a car. Some staunch defenders of Andheri may even eulogise about it and speak of it as if it is a stairway to heaven. For the rest of us who are not on heroin, however, Andheri is the ultimate traffic nightmare. There is no other place that makes time stand still (as still as your car and other vehicles, that is), makes your temper rise for no reason at all, and takes away hours, days and weeks from your life as you simply wait to move.

But why while away the time this wonderful place and its incessant traffic jams afford you? There are some fun things to do while you’re stuck in traffic. Like these:

1. Take a power nap for 30 minutes.

Rest assured you can take a longer nap as well, since the car in front of you would have moved exactly five inches in 30 minutes. Wake up, move five inches forward, close your eyes, repeat.

Take a nap

 

 

 

 

 

2. Leave your car in the traffic and walk to Andheri station.

There are some evil characters there who sell karela juice. Have a quick glassful, then walk back and find your car in exactly the same spot. The taste of karela juice will make you forget your traffic woes.

Have karela juice

 

 

 

 

 

3. Keep a Chetan Bhagat book handy for days when traffic moves faster than usual.

Any C-Bag book will induce a soporific effect that should hold you in good stead for at least 15 minutes. Caution: Reading more than 10 pages will give you a coma – not recommended for light traffic zones.

reading chetan bhagat

 

 

 

 

 

4. Watch all the seasons of Two And A Half Men.

Or catch up on Mowgli or your favourite Salman Khan film.

two and a half men

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Cuss steadily and increasingly at everybody you hate.

The wait will fuel your fury and there is a chance you may come up with a new cuss word that you can share on Facebook.

cuss at everybody

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Finally catch up on some ‘me’ time.

Talk to yourself, have a conversation involving three people, file your nails, pick your nose, cut vegetables. The options are endless.

talk to yourself

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Meditate.

Start by staring at the traffic lights. Then stare at something else. Now smile like a maniac, make eye-contact with the next car’s driver. Repeat. I call this ‘light meditation’.

meditation

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Talk to your ex.

This is the best time to fight because you are all charged up and wanting to sock people on the jaw.

scream at your ex

 

 

 

 

 

9. Make reservations at your favourite fine dining restaurant.

Leave your car in traffic, have a three-course meal and head back. This way you get free valet parking, and you can come back and click selfies in the car.

have a meal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Prepare for next day.

You’re just wasting time in traffic. Why not get ready for the next day? Floss your teeth, get off and take a dump, shave your face, tweeze your eyebrows…whatever works.

Get ready

 

 

 

 

I also do aerobics and yoga in traffic, but I reserve these for special occasions, like a public holiday or a festival. What do you do when stuck in traffic at Andheri?

Andy Reghu claims to be a writer, a standup comic, a professor and a nuclear biologist. 

(Featured image courtesy allthingscruise.com)

Categories
Whatay!

10 BEST conductors you’ve met

We all know who really ‘drives’ the BEST buses in Mumbai – their conductors! We’ve even identified 10 different types.
by Andy Reghu | @thereghu on Twitter

You can’t love them, almost everybody hates them, and nobody can ignore them. Oft-repeated phrases flow from their lips in an unending stream…Chhutta nahin hai, pudhe chala, peechhe khali bus aa raha hai – we’ve all heard these dialogues on our regular bus commutes in Mumbai. After a careful study of these colourful characters – the BEST conductors – I have arrived at 10 categories of conductors that we’ve all met and don’t wish to meet again.

#10) The rude conductor.

He abuses everything and everyone in sight. I doubt if this kind of conductor has ever smiled and said a kind word to anyone, even his own mother. It usually starts with “Chhutta nahin hai, chhutta do!”, builds slowly with, “Bola na chhutta nahin hai, dimaag ka dahi mat karo!” and reaches a crescendo with “Yeh rickshawwala kaisa c#$% hai dekh!” He’s the kind of guy your mother told you to stay away from.

The rude conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#9) The overly polite conductor.

This one is also to be stayed away from, although for different reasons. He has ‘Atithi devo bhava’ tattooed on his right arm (and possibly his forehead). He is so polite, he makes you sick. And he’s so soft-spoken, he is almost unfit for the job. His most annoying habit is that he apologises even when it’s not his fault.

The overly polite conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#8) The absent-minded conductor.

This guy takes a Rs 100 note from you and conveniently forgets to return your change –detrimental if you’re a writer, since you’re about to lose half your salary. He reacts with a start when you remind him about your change, but he will always first say, “Diya toh tha tumhara paisa…”

The ignoring conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#7) The ignoring conductor.

He’s always too busy to answer your questions, too busy to notice that he hasn’t returned your change, too busy to tell you your stop has arrived, but never too busy to talk to the driver. He reminds you of your always-too-busy-for-you ex-girlfriend, in not-so-pleasant ways.

The ignoring conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#6) The lying conductor.

This one will raise your hopes in an extremely cruel fashion, mostly by telling you that an empty bus is just around the corner and you would do well to wait a few moments more for it. You believe him and wait, but the promised bus never appears. When it does, it is bursting with passengers, and if you’re having a really bad day, you will encounter another lying conductor in this bus as well.

The lying conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#5) The depressed conductor.

This man has had a very hard life. He has never heard a kind word about himself. His wife has made it a habit to run away with other men. He has never been promoted. The words ‘I want to kill myself’ are etched in every line of his face. He reminds you of your bleakest days. Without saying a word, he can convey how much he hates his job and how much he would rather be a mechanic, but that he became a conductor because “papa chahte the ki main bada hokar conductor banoon…”

The depressed conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#4) The over-friendly conductor.

One innocent question from you: “Saki Naka tak kitna?” will make this conductor your friend for life. He will talk to you non-stop. He will ask about your age, your marital status, your family, your pets, their marital status, and so on. His behaviour is extremely annoying to everyone, except for engineers, who of course, are glad that anybody’s speaking to them at all.

The overly friendly conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#3) The touchy-feely conductor.

Ladies, you know this type of conductor well. Where just a smile would suffice, he pats you on the back. Where he could just squeeze past you, he will squeeze some part of you. He reminds you of your molester uncle. If you look closely, it might just be your uncle in disguise.

The touchy feely conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2) The hero conductor.

He thinks he is the hero and the baap of the bus. He will seat himself near the entrance of the bus, adjust his hair, see if his shoes (matching his shirt) are still clean, pat his face dry with a special handkerchief, hum constantly, and even use a clever line or two while handing you your ticket. If he wasn’t a BEST conductor, he could be Vivek Oberoi’s understudy. Or Vivek Oberoi himself.

The hero conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#1) The chindhi chor conductor.

This one takes your money and makes off with the change. Or, he is too lazy to rummage around for coins, so he simply writes the balance amount on the back of your ticket and tells you to collect it from Wadala. When you ask for your money, he gives you a dirty look, as if you asked for his first-born son, or as if he lives in South Mumbai and you’ve just announced that you live in Mira Road. Though he will shake your confidence, be firm and ask for your Rs 2 back.

The chindhi chor conductor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer – I love BEST conductors, actually. I was told to write this propagandist, #paidmedia article by the auto union.

Andy Reghu claims to be a writer, a standup comic, a professor and a nuclear biologist. 

(Featured image courtesy jammag.com)

Categories
Whatay!

10 ways to get an auto at Andheri

Andheri is Mumbai’s transport nightmare – and your biggest challenge is getting an auto here. Let us help you out.
by Andy Reghu | @thereghu

Recently, a man from Andheri was awarded the suburb’s highest civilian award. Funnily enough, he did not win for any of these categories:

– Rescuing a kitten/puppy at Lokhandwala.

– Saving the life of a struggling actor.

– Driving responsibly near Andheri station.

This man’s feat was too big to slot into any of these categories, because he did something that will see his name recorded in the annals of Mumbai’s history. He managed to get an autorickshaw at Andheri (gasp!). And convinced the driver to take him to Juhu (double gasp and choke).

We spoke to this jaanbaaz auto catcher and he gave us 10 tips on how to get lucky with an auto in Andheri East and West. Read on to save your life. Also, you’re welcome.

#10) Buy an autorickshaw.

Yes, the auto will cost you a fortune, but look on the bright side – you won’t have to hire an auto again and you might even have an alternate profession which will definitely get your more money and literally have the suburbs at your feet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#9) Carry a gun.

This always works, because nobody argues with a gun. You may go to jail, but so did Mahatma Gandhi. Before you put this plan in operation, ensure that the rickshawwallah does not have a bigger gun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#8) Have an emotional meltdown.

Stand in front of the auto and fake a heart attack. If you are lucky, the auto will actually stop for a  second without running you over. If you’re really lucky, the driver might ask you where you want to go. Caution: Don’t fake an asthma attack because every second person in Andheri has asthma anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#7) Don’t tell him where you actually want to go.

This PC Sorcar-level magic trick always works. Just get into the auto and don’t say a word. Let him drive you around and when he finally stops, let that be your destination for the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#6) Wear a mini skirt.

Do this even if you’re a guy. According to recent statistics, of the 8 out of 10 times that you wear a mini skirt, you have a 7 out 9 times chance of successfully getting an auto 11 out of 9 times.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#5) Dress up as a policeman.

Wear khaki pants, a khaki shirt and a dark blue cap. People might think you are a relationship manager with Axis Bank, but swallow your pride and when you spy an auto coming, start chewing some paan wearing the above disguise. This trick ensures that the autowallah comes to you himself and even pays you some money without you saying a word.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#4) Act like a rich tourist.

Get a fancy hat, huge sunglasses and speak in an accent. The auto drivers will automatically pick you as their bakra for the day. Try this once a month, not oftener.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#3) NEVER say “Andheri jaana hai“.

Saying the words ‘Andheri station’ to an auto driver is probably the biggest insult you can mete out to him. No wonder every autowallah just zooms past on hearing them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#2) Date an auto driver.

Auto drivers lead exciting lives, zooming in and out of the city, and after their strenuous working day, every autowallah needs some TLC. This is where you come in. So make fraandship with an auto driver who stays in Andheri, be nice to him and he will rock your world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#1) Lie shamelessly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as you spot an auto, just yell “Mujhe Andheri nahin jaana!” He will happily take you on board. Five minutes later, pretend to go into a trance and mumble, “Andheri…Andheri…”. Don’t make eye contact and throw in some weird facial and hand gestures. The auto driver will do anything to be rid of you, even drop you to Andheri station.

‘Whatay!’ celebrates the fun side of Mumbai. The author of this piece, Andy Reghu, claims to be a writer, a stand up comic, a professor and a nuclear biologist. 

(Featured image courtesy trendhunterstatic.com)

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