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Naach na jaane

Most Bollywood actors can’t dance. Meanwhile, the girls are dancing their way into roles that require little else from them.
by M | M@themetrognome.in

Bollywood is synonymous with naach gaana. It is what defines Hindi cinema, and when done in foreign locales with local residents gaping in astonishment, it truly embarrasses us (the audience, not the filmmakers). In recent times, the gaana bit (read ‘lyrics’) has been reduced to a mockery, with popular numbers having words like ‘Po, Po’ (pronounced ‘Paw, Paw’) in them. Meanwhile, the naach hasn’t been doing too well, either.

Choreographer Remo D’Souza’s upcoming flim ABCD promises some good dance moves, at least in the trailers. Which makes me wonder: in a country of dancers, why has it taken so long for anyone to make a good dance film?

If Judson Laipply (of the The Evolution of Dance stand up act) were to do a piece on Bollywood dance, it would be called the Degradation of Bollywood Dance. And why not? In this particular sphere, comedians around the world have so much material to choose from. From Salman’s inexplicable moves to Sanjay Dutt’s (supposed) pelvic thrusts, there’s enough and more to make one shut their eyes and never watch another Hindi film ever.

I was astounded at the dance steps assigned to a certain Ms Sharma in her last release, Matru Ki Bijlee Ka Mandola, which required a vigorous butt jiggle. I was even more astounded when the same steps were re-assigned to Pankaj Kapur. Anybody else in his place, veteran actor or not, would have been reduced to a caricature of himself with that dance, but to his credit, he can dance.

Which brings me to the many actors in the industry who hate to dance. I understand that they hate it, what I don’t get is that they make no effort to learn dancing while being in a profession that requires them to move their feet. Some specimens that belong to this category are Ajay Devgn, Himesh Reshamiya and Saif Ali Khan and more. This bunch was highly active last year, and there will be a reprise in the near future.

The other interesting category of actors are the once who could dance, once upon a time, but now can’t dance to save their lives. Some of them are now too beefy or too old to do anything more than a cursory hip shake. Salman Khan is the King of this club. It is painful to watch him dance these days. Equally painful to watch is Sanjubaba. He was no match for Madhuri in ‘Tamma Tamma’ (Thanedar), but he didn’t have two left feet back then. Salman in Dabangg  with his ridiculous moves involving the belt is beyond rubbish. His attempts to keep up with the lissom Katrina Kaif in Ek Tha Tiger were actually funny.

Fortunately, the actresses these days can shake a leg. Well, they have to, or they wouldn’t qualify for several roles if they didn’t know how to move that waist and look pretty while doing so. But I won’t lay blame only on the actors; choreographers need to work harder, too. Kareena Kapoor’s latest item number ‘Fevicol Se’ in Dabangg 2 was a disaster. Farah Khan is one of the few dance directors who has consistently delivered. Among the men, Prabhudeva is reliable. We’ll see him soon in ABCD. But can he save the last (good) dance for Bollywood?

Sharp as a tack and sitting on more hot scoops than she knows what to do with, M is a media professional with an eye on entertainment.

(Picture courtesy fillum.com)

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‘Gods’ behaving badly

Bollywood men are so good at talking trash, they would shame a dumpster. The talk is usually aimed at women.
by M | M@themetrognome.in

Over the years, I’ve seen the good and the bad in the Hindi film industry, but there’s an ugly side that most people don’t get to see. That women are treated as sex objects in films is a cliché that you would have missed if you were blind, but outside of the big screen, it gets worse. It’s not just about the casting couch or the forced trade of sex for a small role in a film, it’s about the actual talk, the crude language used while addressing women or speaking about them, and even the prima donnas of tinsel town are in on this.

And most women – co-workers,  actresses and costume designers – quietly take this in their stride.

The following are true stories.

Many actors are sexually involved with their female co-stars. This anecdote is about an eligible Bollywood bachelor from a legendary film family, and he makes waves with his films and his serial dating. Two years ago, he had a fling with the leading lady of his film; the leading lady in question is no fool, but a talented actor. They met on the sets of a film that was later a hit. The affair didn’t last long, but as per bystanders on the sets, they could barely keep their hands off each other. And while all this is par for the course in Bollywood, this actor indulged in kiss and tell. When nudged to divulge details of her ‘performance’ in bed to a bunch of assistant directors, makeup artists and spot boys –an all-male audience – he said, “Choosti achcha hai”.

Another gentleman who makes films that he believes strip our society naked and bring forth the ugly truth – in the bargain, contributing to the ugliness in society – gave a ‘life-changing, career-making opportunity’ to a model desperate to make it big in Bollywood. Following the break – surprise! – came the nightmare. After gruelling hours of shoots outside the city, the piss drunk director would go on a rampage unless his ‘needs’ were satisfied.

On one such night, the director got so drunk that he ended up knocking on the door of the wrong hotel room. That room’s guest, a middle-aged male accountant working with the film’s production house, was not prepared for this nocturnal visit, and opened the door to find the director leaping at him. The guest guided him out of his room into the hallway, and watched him bounce from door to door in search of her.

Finally, the director found her room and when she opened the door, he yelled, “Idhar hi khol!”. When the actress tried to pull him inside the room, he refused and bombarded her with words like ran** and saali, reminding her of the “opportunity” he had given her and that she should reward him back in sex, the way he wants it, whenever, wherever he wants it.

And there is this superstar who commands the box-office like no other and is famous for his very public break-ups, apart from his abusive relationships with women. This episode occurred when he was dating one of the most beautiful women in the world, also an actress. On a bright summer afternoon, they had a fight in the middle of the road, and he didn’t care that the abuses he was hurling at her could be heard by all. The actress sobbed endlessly, while the tough dude kept lashing out at her. This lasted a couple of hours, including his smoke breaks outside the car (drinks break was inside the car). And throughout, the girl cried in silence. A few months later, they broke up and the entire country was witness to that event as well.

And the asking of sexual favours from costume designers, make-up artists or female assistant directors is as brazen as, “Vanity van mein chalti hai kya?”

For women, the dream of being treated with respect remains just that…a dream. Many of the ‘stakeholders’ in Bollywood are misogynistic pigs. I hope that some day the tables turn and then men can be treated like dirt bags, too. Till then, the ladies can just suffer in silence.

Sharp as a tack and sitting on more hot scoops than she knows what to do with, M is a media professional with an eye on entertainment.

(Picture courtesy ragedindian.com. Picture used for representational purpose only)

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Exporting now: Irrfan

Irrfan in Life of Pi
Irrfan is a worthy export to Hollywood, unlike some others who promise the moon and make colossal fools of themselves.
by M | M@themetrognome.in

It’s a big deal for an actor to bag a role in an Ang Lee film. Kudos to Irrfan for his role in Life of Pi. He is a very good actor and is adept at playing the assigned character with ease and skill in any film, but I do have a problem with his accent in Life of Pi. It is bizarre; part British, part Punjabi, it will stick out for its strangeness, for sure.

When packing their bags to leave for Hollywood, why do our actors forget to carry a phonetics dictionary and a diction coach? A little work on the diction would go a long way for most of our recent exports – Frieda Pinto in The Rise of the Planet of the Apes desperately needed a full-time diction coach. Also, an acting coach, I think.

Irrfan is not the first Indian export to Hollywood. From Amrish Puri in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom to Gulshan Grover in American Daylight, many have left their mark on Hollywood. But Irrfan is certainly a worthy export, a man who has played unforgettable characters in such Hollywood films as The Namesake and A Mighty Heart, unlike another actor who shall remain nameless, but who made a pretty big fool of himself recently.

In 2010, this actor – one of Hindi cinema’s top actors from the 90’s – was in a film that eventually won several Academy Awards. This Hollywood outing opened the doors for a series of short stints on American TV shows and films. Soon, he was to feature in one of Hollywood’s biggest action-thriller franchises, starring a Hollywood A-lister. At the same time, our star had a home production scheduled to release in cinema halls back home.

One will never forget the hullabaloo created around this star and his role in the big Hollywood film – his ‘crucial’ scene to be shot in Dubai, that this star was shooting for one of the biggest banners in the world, how he had to travel to Dubai and then London and then God knows where else for this important role, how there was a month-long schedule for his scenes. He even featured on an Indian chat show where film celebrities sit across the host and chit-chat with him for 30 minutes over coffee.

Not that we weren’t proud of our star’s achievement, but he began to annoy us all with his constant self-praise. But the PR around the film was done so well, that at one point, we expected an Oscar-worthy role that would do wonders for his dying acting career back home.

Closer to the release of the film in India, the A-list Hollywood celebrity visited the country and our desi star played host. With a lot of expectation, especially considering that our man had looked pretty decent in a blink-and-miss-glimpse in the trailers, people headed to the cinema halls.

Our star made a fool of himself. The cinema halls roared with laughter during the miniscule scene when our desi celeb made an appearance. He was hilarious – the scene was supposed to be funny anyway, but where had that accent come from? He played a mafia guy in the film, but that accent was better suited to a guy enrolling for a Rapidex English speaking course.

We could have let this pass if he hadn’t made our ears bleed with his “Look, I am international celebrity now,” plugs in the media. Suffice it to say But his international TV series role was quite bearable.

Moral of the story: If you ever get cast in an international film, let your role do the talking or you’ll just get bi***-slapped.

Sharp as a tack and sitting on more hot scoops than she knows what to do with, M is a media professional with an eye on entertainment. 

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Don’t judge a film by its promo

M writes about how film promos these days are different from the storyline, and tagged to the last Bollywood hit.

Once, in a fit of momentary madness, I decided to watch Aiyyaa on DTH. Suffice it to say that I should have been paid to watch that film, even if I did watch it at home.

Apart from being an utter and complete waste of time that I could have employed in other pursuits, I was annoyed at how the film kept drifting from the main plot every five minutes. But my disappointment was not with the film itself, or its actors. It was the way the film was promoted. The promos led me to believe that it was the story of a small town girl and her romantic escapades. Shots of two very sleazy songs in the film constantly reminded the audience of The Dirty Picture. With such a preamble, naturally the audience expected much more masala in the actual film. Instead, when you watch the film you realise that it is actually the innocent love story of an extroverted girl and a devil-may-care guy.

Marketing a film is as critical as the creative aspects of making one. The marketing peg can bring or take the audience away from the theatres. Unlike a brand, marketing a film is different. While launching a new product in the market, the brand custodians will work on solid background data and create campaigns around the footprints of their Target Audience (TA). But a film is assumed to work for the entire mass. Cinema, being a mass medium, garners interest across gender, ethnicity, age, etcl. But in Bollywood, it seems minimal efforts are spent on a film’s strategy and the sole objective is to play on the last successful film; in case of Aiyyaa it was The Dirty Picture.

There are many films that have gone wrong with their marketing, and many ‘brilliant’ ideas have also mercifully been rejected in the board rooms. One such spin-off attempt happened not very long ago. The film was a rundown romance spread across three generations, with all three pairs being played by the same lead actors. Clearly, there was nothing to go on in terms of the storyline, so the fallout plan was to create hype around the stars of the film.

So the usual gimmicky stories were prepared for release in the media – like the off-screen romance brewing between the actors, the petty fights on the sets, etc. But one of the film’s producers came up with a peculiar idea. The idea, according to him, was a two-edged sword – if implemented, it would promote the film and dilute Salman Khan’s fan following. The truth is that any producer who has not worked with Salman has tried, at least once in his life, to sabotage the actor’s staggering popularity by one means or another. So far, in vain.

So, the big idea was to play on the fact that the lead actor’s mother was of the Muslim faith. Hence, just before release, the actor would visit a famous shrine of a Muslim saint in the city and the same would be projected as the actor’s efforts towards reconciling with his Muslim mother – this would impress and sway the Muslim audiences towards this actor. Let me mention, as an aside, that Muslim audiences are seen as Salman’s key fan base.

But in reality, the lead actor of this film was a staunch follower of the Hindu spiritual guru Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. This idea had to be shot down by the other producers.

There are many recent films that have been presented differently in their promos than what the actual script is. Jism 2 and Ishaqzaade are two films that firmly fall under this category, but don’t go checking them out. With lack of good storylines, I suppose filmmakers must do whatever they can to get their films some attention; be it projecting a film untrue to its plot, adding tons of sleaze or even recreating celebrity personas that do not actually exist.

Sharp as a tack and sitting on more hot scoops than she knows what to do with, M is a media professional with an eye on entertainment.

(Pictures courtesy www.ibnlive.com)

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Will Bollywood ever get a Bond?

Or at least a super-successful series of spy movies? We’re not asking for much, if you really think about it.

by M | M@themetrognome.in

With James Bond’s 23rd instalment around the corner (releasing next week), I started to think – will Bollywood ever get its own series of good spy movies? We are the second largest film industry in the world, but we are still light years away from Hollywood in terms of owning a super-successful franchise that the world will watch.

I really don’t get why we haven’t been able to do it yet. We obviously have the talent – no, I am not counting Salman Khan or KJo – and we have reasonably good actors and directors. So why aren’t we there yet?

The last attempt at making a spy thriller was Agent Vinod. It was nowhere close to the savoir-faire and panache that even the less-thrilling Bond movies carry. Saif Ali Khan as an undercover agent was the worst casting choice made in the history of cinema. I know many who liked the young baddie more in the film.

A series of spy films might be too much to ask for at this point, but a few good ones that bring us to the edge of our seats would suffice. So, what does it take to make a spy thriller? Let’s break it down.

The James Bond series can be primarily credited to its creator, writer Ian Fleming. The compelling stories were adapted into gripping screenplays that captivated the audience. Fleming’s style of writing and a set of characters so well-defined and well-embedded  in the audiences’ minds, ensured that plotlines outside of the novels he wrote are still being explored – and Skyfall is a case in point. This simply means that James Bond is not about to holster the gun any time soon. Thank God for small mercies.

Lack of compelling stories keeps Bollywood from making good movies. Not. Recent whatever-you-call-it Student Of The Year proves this amply. We’ve already got great Indian spy stories that we have not tapped into – consider the magnificent detective series Feluda written by Satyajit Ray. The series of short novels and stories is a fascinating combination of Sherlock Holmes-style detection and Bond-like execution, and has all the ingredients for a Bollywood masala film – suspense, drama and action. There are a couple of films and telefilms based on detective Feluda, but these hardly translated into commercial success. These stories are denied of the distinction that they deserve and someone should re-visit them at the soonest.

Plus, the Bond films have the most admirable cast. All of the Bonds thus far –  Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and now Daniel Craig – have had one enduring quality each, and some were dreamier than others. M and Q, with Judi Dench playing the former and Desmond Llewelyn as the latter, have done a splendid job in each film. And what can be said about the Bond girls? With each film, they are just making temperatures soar higher. Even the bad guys are in a league of their own.

Okay, so Bollywood doesn’t have too many options for a James Bond-inspired character, but I would still think Akshay Kumar is worthy of a chance. And we have stacks of bombshells to play his lady, or we can always import them.

Is it the money that keeps us from replicating a successful formula? I don’t think so. Hindi film-makers are never shy of blatantly copying foreign films, even if it means bringing in the crew of The Matrix or The Terminator to reproduce the exact same scenes.  Ra One and Robot established that there is no scarcity of money in Bollywood. Bollywood films may seldom have a storyline, but exotic locations are exploited only for songs and dances and not on any pathbreaking scenes. Obviously, budget is not an issue for us.

I think the real problem is direction. I cannot remember the last Bollywood film that showcased the work of an outstanding director. The current crop of directors who film sequels largely comprises failed actors (Pooja Bhatt, who directed Jism 2) or directors who refuse to quit directing (Vikram Bhatt for everything he’s ever made). We can only come up with a Farhan Akhtar who would take up the challenge of directing a spy thriller and do a decent job of it.

Dear Bollywood, man up and get cracking. Give us meaty spies, let our adrenaline flow, entertain us, and in the bargain, get acclaimed for making good cinema. Of course you’ll make money, dummy!

 

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The marriage curse

The most successful Bolly actresses have lost their equity and brand value post-marriage. Will just-married Kareena Kapoor break this stereotype?
by M | M@themetrognome.in

Like in the rest of India, Tuesday afternoon’s lunch conversation revolved around Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor’s much-hyped marriage. I think by now, everyone is abreast of the most trivial details of this two-day event. A casual comment from a colleague triggered a thought; his comment was: “How can Kareena get married now? She is currently at the top, but now her market will go down.”

Apart from fuming at the word ‘market’, I was intrigued by the fact that despite living in a world where a 94-year-old man can become a father without being frowned upon, a 32-year-old woman cannot get married and still have a career. The age-old perception that married actresses don’t work at the box-office is still rock-solid in the Indian mindset. And even in Bollywood.

Great actresses from the past have been treated like sore corns post their marriage, and stereotyped in roles fit for elderly women. Usually, the public assumes the actress will completely quit or take a sabbatical from showbiz. Some of them do return to the big screen, but instead of talking about their performance or their talent, the marketing is focused on positioning it as a post-marriage comeback.

This really makes me think: are women, especially in India, truly free? Our patriarchal society cannot help but enforce its rigid belief system on Bollywood as well. The next few lines of this column might sound crude, but what is being practiced around us is even worse. For years now, our society has propagated the importance of marring a virgin, who is clean of committing moral sins. This is exactly the reason why married actresses are not accepted in Bollywood.

The men in society cannot fantasise about a woman who is not a virgin. The lusty siren on the big screen that makes them drool, once married, will belong only to her husband. It’s not that men don’t lech at or have sexual fantasies about married woman, of course they do; but they can’t openly accept this in society. Therefore, the actress will still be imagined seducing them when required; but once married, she will not be a good actress any more. In a lighter vein, they must think that the actress loses her talent along with her virginity.

Unfortunately, it’s not just the audience that holds on to these views, there are men within the industry who share the same hatred for married actresses.  Most producers will not risk their high budget projects, and so you will hardly ever see a married actress in a big banner production. Yes, there are exceptions like Kajol, who has managed a successful comeback, but sustaining it will be a challenge. A respected producer in the industry once expressed his thoughts on the same subject. He said, “Married women remind us of our mothers and we cannot expect the audience to like their mothers romancing the hero in the film.”

I feel sorry for actresses who utterly and completely devote their lives to cinema and who live under constant fear of being forced to retire once they settle down and have a family. Ironically, having a family at a decent age is again enforced by the society, and women who don’t abide by this rule are termed rebels or are assumed unfit to find a suitor.

This could explain why a Madhuri Dixit or a Juhi Chawla are left to do television shows, while the Katrina Kaifs of this world rule the roost in Bollywood. This also explains why our actresses can’t have a family along with a healthy career even at the age of 40, but our heroes, who are wrecks at 50 years of age can romance nubile 20-year-olds.

Nobody raised a brow when Aamir Khan or SRK made their debut in Bollywood after their marriage. But has there been a single instance where the actress made a debut post her marriage, and went on to have a successful innings? Not in Bollywood. This could be a distant dream, but for now can we just accept our actresses to be married and still bedazzle us with their performances?

I say, let’s give Kareena a chance. I hope her marriage and subsequent career would be the much-needed breakthrough for other women in the industry.

(Picture courtesy: www.movies.ndtv.com) 

 

 

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