Category: Kharcha paani

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‘Because I lack the discipline serial killing requires’

…is why Ashish Shakya does stand up comedy, and also because his comedy has gone ‘from sh*t to less sh*t’.
by The Editors | editor@themetrognome.in

Ashish Shakya is 28, and funny as hell.

He ‘mooned the college after he finished engineering studies.’ His first stand-up act ‘was the opposite of funny and smart’. He kept going at stand-up comedy till he ‘went from shit to less shit’. And, he says, ‘as a comic, all you can do is put in every bit of energy and talent that you have, take your money and go home feeling a little bit like a whore.’

In a hilarious interview, the Bandra resident tells The Metrognome about his chosen profession, performing to stony silences, writing funny stuff every week for television and what aspiring stand-up comics and humour writers need to consider before taking the plunge into the business of comedy.

When did you first realise you were funny, that you had the ability to get a laugh? Was there a moment of epiphany?

There is no real single instance that served as an epiphany. At some point, you just develop some sort of a personality, and mine turned out to be the guy that was probably dropped on his head as a kid, making sure he’d never have anything close to a normal thought process. As such, the choice is between comedy and serial killing. I do the former because I lack the discipline that serial-killing requires.

And yes, I imagine that my parents were my first audience, although kids say stupid things that parents laugh at because they have to. If I was in their place, I would ask for a refund.

You studied engineering. What did you do after you finished college?

Mooned the college and thanked the universe that it was over. Drank a lot. Also, started working with a youth magazine called JAM about a week after my final exams, because, well, I needed to make up for lost time.

How has your educational background as an engineer helped your sense of humour? And why are there so many engineers in the media?

I had lots of free time in engineering college, since I didn’t really bother with all that pesky studying nonsense. That free time may have helped warp my mind a fair bit, and that’s always a good thing for comedy. As far as the glut of engineers in the media (or even other non-tech fields) is concerned, it’s probably because engineering is the default option for most kids in India. It’s also easy to get into. But the blinkers come off once you’re in college and by then it’s too late, so you just sit around, biding your time until one day, you’re free AND CAN DO WHATEVER THE F**K YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU’RE YOUNG AND FOOLISH WOOHOO!

 When did you first start writing? What was it about?

I started really late in life. 17 or so, I would think, and it was during the first semester of engineering college. In a blinding flash of originality, I wrote bullshit poetry about life or some such nonsense. Teenagers are stupid, no?

Your writing has a very obvious Dave Barry-ish turn of phrase. Apart from him, which humour writers have influenced your writing?

Barry’s the writer who taught me all about form, structure and all the other boring nuances that go into great humour writing. Apart from him, I think Charlie Brooker and P J O’Rourke are great fun.

What was your first stand-up comic gig like?

The first time was three years ago, at the open mic organised by Vir Das and company at Blue Frog, called Weirdass Hamateur Night. There were 15 contestants, who got two minutes each. I wrote about being a North Indian or something, and it was the exact opposite of funny and smart. I ran it past a few people before the show, and it still wasn’t funny. I rewrote it the night before and  took copious amounts of drugs before going on stage. People laughed, which was nice of them and ensured that they didn’t get to see a grown man cry on stage. I took part in the next open mic as well, which I won, which bought me more time on stage. It turned out that I liked the spotlight and the instant gratification, so I kept doing it until I went from shit to less shit. At some point, money came in and that wasn’t too bad either. The Comedy Store came here in 2010, and that helped a lot in terms of stage time.

Have you ever had a ‘bad act’, for example where the audience was a bunch of tough customers that didn’t crack a smile all the time you were on stage?

Oh, lots. I’ve walked on to boos, I’ve performed to stony silences, where the only sound you can hear is the sound of your self-esteem being run over by a truck. Corporates usually tend to be tough, because hey, if you’re at a swanky office party, where the booze is free and frankly, above your pay grade, you’re not going to give a sh*t about some ugly dude talking on stage. You have other concerns, such as killing your liver or hitting on that hot chick from HR. As a comic, all you can do is put in every bit of energy and talent that you have, take your money and go home feeling a little bit like a whore. My worst gig was when I was accosted by members of a right-wing fanatic party because they didn’t like a certain joke I had made. I can’t really tell you the joke now, because if they read it, they will set fire to the Internet. It would suffice to say that I was threatened with grievous bodily harm, unless I apologised on stage, so I did, because I like having my limbs attached to my body at all times.

What do you do when you sense your act is not going well?

I wish that I had listened to my mother and worked hard to become one of those corporate types sitting in the audience, not laughing, as opposed to the idiot on stage.

All you can do is to switch your material around in your head, and do stuff that you think might get them laughing. Sometimes heavy or smart stuff is met with a silence, so you try and switch to easier jokes. If all that fails, go home and have a crisis or two.

You write ‘The Week That Wasn’t’. How did you land this assignment? What is it like working with Cyrus and Vijay?

I called Kunal and told him I wanted to write. I set up a meeting, delivered a sample script and a few sexual favours later, I got the job. I have written more than 200 episodes (that’s four-odd years on a weekly) so I know their styles and can write accordingly. That bit is fine – the difficulty lies in being funny and smart every week, about topics that often stay the same. I mean there are only so many Manmohan Singh jokes you can do before you wish that he does acid in Parliament or something, so that you have something new to talk about.

There are very few humour columnists in the city today. How did you break into humour writing for newspapers?

I went to a dance bar. No, seriously. I went to a dance bar because I was fascinated by the whole subculture and wanted to write about it. That experience turned into a 3,000-word piece which sat around gathering dust on my blog, until I felt I wasn’t doing enough in life, so I shot off emails to a bunch of papers. HT was revamping at the time, and they liked the piece. A couple of sample columns later, I was in.

Have you ever received irate letters from readers about any of the columns you’ve written?

Very few irate letters actually. Most people are nice and understanding. That’s probably because a lot of stupid people aren’t reading my column yet. I wonder what will happen when they do. I have gotten some hate on my work about religion and politics, but weirdly enough, the most vitriol I have ever received was after I wrote about how sport fans are stupid and annoying. People take that shit really seriously. It’s hilarious.

When you’re working on material for a stand-up act, what are some of the things you have to keep in mind?

If it’s for a corporate, then you may need to write clean stuff. But that aside, we get to say pretty much what we want. Consistency is difficult, and you always want to write better and funnier than you were writing the day before. A lot of first thoughts need to be thrown out. Apart from that, you just need to have fun writing.

Who, in your opinion, are some of the best stand-up comics in India today? Around the world?

Vir Das. Also, Anuvab Pal is great. As are Rohan Joshi, Tanmay Bhat and Gursimran Khamba. These are guys who set the bar pretty high.

Among the international comics, Louis CK, Chris Rock, Ricky Gervais and Bill Maher are just a few of the guys I look up to.

What advice would you give aspiring stand up comics and humour writers?

Write, write, write, perform, perform, perform, edit, re-write, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, write, write and write some more. And when you’re not doing that, watch stand-up, listen to stand-up, read, consume and devour as much and as varied content as you can. Do different things, feed your brain, avoid clichés and monotony and be honest. It shows when you are, and more importantly, it shows when you aren’t.

(Pictures courtesy The Comedy Store and Ashish Shakya) 

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Trends

Corporate Mumbai is sick of its bosses

A majority of employees are quitting their jobs because of bad bosses; workers from 18 sectors participate in national survey.
by The Diarist | thediarist@themetrognome.in

You’re not overreacting if you’re thinking of doing your boss a grievous injury. Or at the very least, thinking of quitting your current job for another, where the boss won’t be an ogre. You can take heart in knowing that many in the country agree with you on this.

In a nationwide survey conducted by the Associated Chambers of Commerce (ASSOCHAM) in the Indian metros of Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkata and Chennai, and other major cities like Ahmedabad, Hyderabad, Pune, Chandigarh and Dehradun, and with over 200 employees from the corporate sector interviewed from each survey centre, it emerged that “69 per cent of corporate employees who quit their jobs complained about the indifferent attitude of their bosses or immediate supervisor while the remaining moved to a new position in the same company.” The survey was released to coincide with Boss Day on October 12.

As per a release from ASSOCHAM, the survey targeted corporate employees from 18 broad sectors, with the maximum share contributed by employees from the IT/ITes sector (17 per cent).

Employees working in engineering and telecom sector contributed 9 per cent and 8 per cent respectively in the questionnaire. Nearly 6 per cent of the employees belonged from market research/KPO and media background each.

Around 42 per cent of the employees surveyed claimed to have been a victim of workplace bullying, and almost 56 per cent said that they were currently being bullied by their bosses. The survey also found public sector workers were most likely to experience workplace bullying (48 per cent), followed by PSU (37 per cent) and others (15 per cent). Around 62 per cent of the respondents said that they have an abusive boss, who indulges in such behaviours as humiliating and insulting employees or isolating them from co-workers.

The survey also revealed that bad bosses also led to employees’ health problems. Most of the respondents said they were moving jobs because of management, supervisors or the general work environment of the company (56 per cent), career advancement or promotional opportunities (24 per cent), while 12 per cent said that they “felt like a misfit” in their current organisation. Much smaller percentages of respondents claimed to have quit because of flexibility or scheduling (6 per cent) or job security (2 per cent).

(Picture courtesy www.mensfitness.com)

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Trends

Inflation hits spending. Hard.

Middle income groups slash their spending by 65 per cent to manage their monthly household budgets, and to buy necessities.
By The Diarist | thediarist@themetrognome.in

Rising inflation has dented our household budgets, and how – Associated Chamber of Commerce (ASSOCHAM) contends that the country’s middle and lower income groups have cut their spending by a whopping 65 per cent, on such heads as entertainment, vacations, electronics, real estate, automobiles, shopping, and eating out. ASSOCHAM reveals that the middle income groups, especially, are curtailing spending to be able to finance their children’s education and run their homes well, both of which are eating into their savings.

The survey was conducted over a period of two months, beginning March to April 2012 in major metros and cities like Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata, Chennai, Ahmedabad, Hyderabad, Pune, Chandigarh, and Dehradun. A little over 200 employees were selected from each city, on an average. The report reads, “Delhi ranks first in curtailing their expenses, followed by Mumbai (at no. 2), Ahmedabad (at no. 3) Chandigarh (4), Kolkata (5), Chennai (6) and Dehradun (7), says DS Rawat, Secretary General ASSOCHAM.”

Key findings from the survey:

– Many middle income and lower income groups indicated that they are finding ways to cut back spending now or indicating they will do so in the future. Around 69 per cent of the respondents have cut down on their saving rate.

– Nearly half of the middle income group either avoid shopping altogether, or shop only for those things that are absolutely needed. Moreover, 76 per cent said that their shopping has been restricted to only necessities.

– About 88 per cent of respondents said that they have cut back on everyday expenses. They save money by avoiding outside food, car-pooling, cutting down on gas and use of electricity.

– Inflation has also impacted the urban male and females’ personal expenses.  The urban male used to spend Rs 500 to Rs 2,000 per month on drinks, cigarettes, gutkha, paan etc. which has come down by 20 per cent due to upward inflation. On the other hand, urban women now spend around Rs 500 to Rs 1000 per month on cosmetics and beauty treatments, which was earlier pegged at Rs 1,500 to Rs 2,000.

– One in four said they are going to try to increase their income to try to stay financially afloat, such as switching to a better-paid job, taking a second job option or working overtime hours.

(All figures are sourced from ASSOCHAM. Picture courtesy www.divdevarkhyani.blogspot.com)

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Become

‘Masterchef Australia is great for housewives’

Chef Phongthorn Hinracha
…because it teaches the basics, says chef Phongthorn Hinracha, who’s recently started working at the Red Zen, Courtyard by Marriott.
by The Editors | editor@themetrognome.in

He admits to a torrid love affair with food, adding that people are becoming careful about the nutritive value of what they’re putting into their mouths. The executive sous chef at pan Asian restaurant Red Zen has had an illustrious career backing his foray on Indian shores – he has worked with Parisa Resorts in Phuket, Thailand as the executive sous chef, and in some of the finest hotels such as Meritus Pelangi Beach Resort (Malaysia), Koyao Island Resort and Spa Phang-Nga (Thailand) and IOI Palm Garden Hotel (Kuala Lampur). He began his career with the Kohchand Grand Lagoona Resort in Thailand as a sous chef.

In his own words, the famous chef talks about his food journey, retaining the taste of India and what aspiring chefs must do if they have a food dream.

What is your earliest fond memory of food?

My mom’s steamed fish. I remember [the first time] when mom had cooked it, when I was back from fishing. It is eaten with ginger and soya sauce. The dish has a very natural taste of fresh fish. The sauce used is locally made, not factory made. Even now when I go to back to Thailand, I ask my mom to make it for me.

What was the first dish you ever cooked? Whose recipe was it?

Thai omelette is the first dish I ever cooked. It contains fish sauce, meat and pepper. It goes well with rice. Singles in Thailand generally cook such food. [When I cook it now] I like to improvise by adding some curry paste and basil.

Please describe the moment when you decided that food was your calling, and that you wanted to make a career in food.

My family is very involved in every aspect of food. Many of my family members are chefs. There are some perceptions about adult life that are created during childhood, for instance, when a person grows up he has to work, or has to get married, or simply that a person has to become tall! Because of my family’s involvement in food, I had the perception that when I grow up, I have to become a chef. Hence I started working and helping my dad in his restaurant business since the age of 10. My passion started increasing every day, seeing people getting happy eating food. My creativity started developing. At the age of 16 or 17, I asked myself, ‘Is this what I want?’, and do you know what the answer was? The answer was, ‘This is not a want, but an involuntary need just like eating food, or the heart beating or breathing’.

Tell us what your favourite cuisine is.

Chinese is my favourite cuisine. It’s again because of my family. I’ve been eating Chinese food since childhood. I like it may be since I’m habituated [to it]. It has a real taste of fresh ingredients. The taste is very clear, with no complexity.

What was your first job like? For how long did you work there?

If you’re asking [about] my first paid job, then it was at the age of 17 at the Marina Hotel. I was a kitchen apprentice. My father’s friend was an executive chef there. I worked there for six months. But I’ve been working and helping my father in his restaurant business since the age of 10.

What differences do you see in the food industry from the time you started out, and now?

When I started off, people loved to eat food that was great in taste. But now, people care about healthy food. They worry about the intake of calories, carbs, proteins, vitamins etc.

Have you ever worked in India before? What has your experience been like till now?

No, this is my first ever visit to India. It’s been a great experience with [a] new culture. I used to never eat Indian food earlier. Now, I’ve started eating Indian food, especially butter chicken and chicken tikka masala with garlic naan.

Coming to work in India, with its defined palate of spices and flavours, have you had to do things differently since you came here?

I have preserved the authenticity of the food, except when my guests request me to adjust the food to their tastes.

What qualities should a sous chef possess?

The ability to judge the quality of food, extremely high levels of hygiene and proper planning are the three keys to being a good sous chef. (In his current role, amongst other things, chef Hinracha is involved in preparing menus and designing daily specials as required. He is responsible for the quality of the food, hygiene matters and monitoring the kitchen.)

Please describe how a person can set up his/her own restaurant. What are the skills, technology, knowledge, funding required? How did you plan the setting up and opening of your own restaurant?

Not anyone can open and run a successful restaurant. Budget planning, location setting, equipment selection, manpower hiring, marketing, know-hows of current trends of that area are all necessary, and if he possesses cooking skills,  it’s an added advantage. Service skills are also very important. I planned my restaurant in the same way. During the operating hours, I don’t be in the kitchen, but instead I be in the guest area. I get regular customers by chatting with them.

What is your opinion of the various cooking shows on television these days? Even non-cooks are interested in shows like Masterchef Australia.

These shows are very helpful for housewives. They show a good amount of the basic skills required for cooking. It’s a stage for inspiration.

How can one build on a new trend in the food industry? Also, how can one start their own trend in the food world?

People should keep a tab on food science. News [about and] from food science helps a lot. Earlier not many people drank green tea, but now a lot of them do drink it. Also, once you become  a celeb chef, then it’s easier to start your own trend as celebs will start talking about your food.

Do you wish you had done a few things differently in the beginning of your career? What would you do differently?

Due to my passion for food, I started working at a very early age. I had a romantic relationship with food. I wished I had completed my degree. May be it could have helped me.

What is your advice to aspiring chefs in India?

Taste a lot. Read a lot and make sure the food trends around you, you jot!

Chef Hinracha owns Maha Sarakham, a restaurant 300 kilometres from Bangkok. He has won many carving competitions in Phuket. His culinary flair earned him the sixth place in the Best Asian Chef category at the Hospitality Asian Platinum Awards 2010-2011 held in Malaysia. He has also participated in the series, ‘Thai Ultimate Chef Challenge 2011-2012’ held in Bangkok. When he’s not cooking, he enjoys fishing, food photography and food carving.

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Learn

Your fingers tell your secrets

Sudhir and Shweta Hattangadi can tell if you’re a compulsive liar, or if you’re better off pursuing sports than academics. A science called dermatoglyphics reveals all.
by The Editors | editor@themetrognome.in

Imagine having your thumb print reveal the best and the worst about you. What’s more, under the right conditions and with accurate equipment, it probably will. For over two years now, former teachers Sudhir and Shweta Hattangadi have tested over 1,000 children and adults in Mumbai and other Indian cities, and come up with brain pictures that gave away the most intricate personality traits in 10 areas of human intelligence.

“We’ve been able to tell if a person can be easily influenced, or is a compulsive liar, or such factors as being better at research than analysis. We use a thumb print that helps map the person’s brain. We come to know what the person’s strengths are, and his or her weaknesses. Based on the inputs, we give an impetus to the strengths and help minimise the weaknesses. This is helpful especially for very young children, much before they are forced to make career choices that may not be suited to their natural aptitudes,” says Shweta.

If you think this seems a bit far fetched, think again. Sudhir and his wife Shweta are actually practicing a science known as dermatoglyphics – the scientific study of fingerprints. “The brain and fingerprints start developing at the same time at about 13 weeks for the foetus,” Sudhir explains. “The ages zero to six years are known as the ‘golden age’ for a child, because the brain is still developing and any corrective ideas can be implemented at this time. Ages six to 12 are when reformation happens, when ideas can be cemented. After 12 years, we concentrate on the strong areas only.” He says that behavioural alterations are possible in children up to 12 years old. “However, nutrition also plays a big part in correcting certain anomalies,” Shweta says.

This is how your brain can be mapped: your fingerprint is taken on a biometric device. Then it is recorded on a computer and relayed to a server in Thailand. The fingerprint is then classified into one of four types – whorl, loop, reverse loop and arch – and the final analysis is then generated back. “The analysis is quantitative, and Shweta then exhaustively makes notes on each case. We have about four to five sessions per person.”

Shweta recounts how the analysis may even give early warning signs of things to come. “We had analysed this boy who showed the tendency to be easily influenced by others. We told his parents this. Later, he and a friend killed his grandmother for money to buy a bike. We were stunned to learn of this,” she says.

The couple has tested close to 1,000 persons so far, most of them children. “However, this science can really come in handy for corporates, when they want to employ the right people. But the idea has not yet caught on amongst people. Even the children who come to us are brought by their parents because they exhibit some worrying symptoms. However, getting this test done at an early age helps children chart out their future better,” Sudhir says. “And why just children? Even couples can get their compatibility tested. Or employers can test potential employees for reliability, loyalty to the company, whether they can be trusted with money, and so on.”

The test costs Rs 5,000 and comprises of exhaustive discussions and analyses over five sessions. “Many parents are satisfied with just two sessions also. But I give them my notes to keep so that they have all the material about their child handy. Generally, students who are about to make a career choice come to us for testing. Our teaching experience and the training we’ve taken (from their Hong Kong-based trainer) helps us minutely analyse each case and offer solutions,” Shweta says.

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Learn

Kids talking money

Jigisha Shah’s pint-sized protégés invest in gold, understand the share market, and know how to make the best money choices. And that’s not all.
by Beena Parmar | beena@themetrognome.in

Does your child save his pocket money? Does he keep an eye on silver and gold prices? Have you found him scanning the financial pages of your daily newspaper?

Do you think children and money don’t mix? You obviously haven’t met those trained by Jigisha Shah.

Robert Kiyosaki, financial guru and author of Rich Dad Poor Dad, which continues to rock the financial world even today, teaches people to become millionaires. Jigisha Shah 37, a Kandivali-based educationist, read Kiyosaki’s financial teachings comprehensively while doing her CA internship. “I realised that the subject of financial literacy has been widely ignored in our society. Most people struggle to take quick and correct financial decisions due to financial illiteracy. As a result, we see economic and social challenges in the country,” she states.

Following Kiyosaki’s teachings, firm in her belief that imparting financial education to children at an early age builds a strong foundation for their future, Jigisha started her FLP (Financial Planning Programme) in 2006, to help bring up generations wise in real life education. “My goal is to train people, especially children, with true knowledge and power to take control of their financial future to achieve their goals and dreams,” she informs.

But why deal with children, not adults? There’s an interesting back story. Jigisha initially started taking money seminars for adults. These produced excellent results, as some of her participants effectively saved thousands of rupees. However, during a seminar for women, a mother shared her concern about her son not valuing money and over-spending, and Jigisha was hit by the urgency to take programmes for kids.

“This mother’s concern was not an isolated case, but a reflection of slow and steady change in the behaviour patterns among children in double income families. In cities, where both parents are working, they are unable to give sufficient time to children. They usually compensate this feeling of guilt by fulfilling the material demands of their children. As a result, their children do not learn to value money,” Jigisha explains.

In just three months, she created a detailed programme for kids. Her biggest challenge was to make money interesting for kids. Hence, she created the Money Education Plan, which was realistic and fun to learn. The programme immediately became popular with children and Jigisha took it forward.

One of the modules is ‘Build money IQ’ which enhances children’s financial IQ. Another one is ‘Smart Kids Score’, which she has planned keeping numeric ability, relative analysis, value demonstration and accountability of money in mind.

So far, Jigisha has educated more than 600 students through seminars in public and private schools, and summer camps. “These children are now aware about money and are empowered to take conscious money decisions from their formative years,” she claims. Initially it was challenging to make parents understand the need for such a programme for kids. But she now feels that things have changed.

“Our country is being influenced by western culture, where loans and borrowing are fast becoming a part of life. Now more and more disposable income in the hands of the younger population is becoming a matter of concern. Educated parents with young kids have begun to understand the situation. They are getting into proactive thinking mode and so can relate to my programme,” she explains.

The kids are all right

While Ajit Mhatre, a 13-year-old student admits that he learnt about goal-setting, pyramid of life, saving and investments, how money travels and about banks, coins and currencies, Jigisha was amazed by the learning of 12-year-old Kunal, who participated in her workshop two years ago. “Last month, he came to me and said that he had collected Rs 6,000 in two years, and bought silver to invest the saved money. I was happy at his thoughtfulness about his first ever investment at the age of 10,” she beams.

But she was even more stunned when Kunal said, “I bought silver now, and when silver prices go up, I will convert it into gold, because gold will give me lots of money in the future.”

Parents are thrilled with Jigisha’s programme. “She needs just five minutes with your child, and she can exactly tell you which area your child needs support in. Her workshop has made my daughter Pari so aware about money, that when asked what she learned from Jigisha aunty, she answers in Marwari, our mother tongue, ‘Paisa waste ni karma’ (don’t waste money),” says Anita Bafna, an advocate and Pari’s mother.

Jigisha has two sons, Vatsal (10) and Jayaditya (9). Both have participated in her seminars, are money smart and have made different money investment choices. While Vatsal  has bought 100 grams of silver, Jayaditya has been investing his money in bank fixed deposits for the last three years.

Over the years, Jigisha has noticed some gender-specific behaviours among her participants. “Girls wish to save for buying things that give them emotional satisfaction, like jewelry, clothes and gifts. Boys mostly opt for sports gear and electronic gadgets,” she smiles.

Schools benefit, too

Jigisha has taken her FLP to two BMC schools inGrant Road, where almost 300 children participated. “I got a great response from the children. They were eager to learn. I emphasised on saving early and its benefits, and everyone in the programme promised to start saving,” she shares.

Iravati Mane (name changed), principal ofManavMandirSchool, Grant Road, was delighted with the FLP. “If I had the opportunity to learn from such a programme in my childhood, my life today would have been more fulfilling,” she says. But though Jigisha would like to continue such programmes in BMC schools, the lack of coordination between schools and students is keeping her from implementing her programme in a bigger way.

“It is necessary that we consciously impart money education to kids at an early age. Parents should not hesitate sharing financial information with their children,” she concludes.

 

 

 

 

 

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