Author: The Metrognome

Categories
Wellness

5 recent dumb products

Five products we recently discovered – and why our diarist thinks that their amusement value is higher than their usefulness quotient.
by The Diarist | thediarist@themetrognome.in

The world functions in extremes: if you have reason, you will also have irrationality. If there’s empathy, there is tremendous intolerance. If there is an Amitabh Bachchan, there is also a Shakti Kapoor.

And if there are chaddi-shaped diapers that are easy to wear (for your kid, that is), there are also stringy, complex bikinis that require forceps to get one out of. Presenting, five dumb products we recently discovered.

1. Clean and Clear Face Wash with bursting beads.
We confess, the only reason we went out in our frayed pyjamas and old man T-shirt to the neighbouring grocer on a Saturday, still too sleepy to notice that we had only one chappal on, was because somewhere in our subconscious minds had registered this face wash’s claim that it was a ‘morning alarm for the skin’. No, we didn’t keep a bottle of this face wash on our bedside tables and set it for 8 a.m. the next morning. Since our skin is perpetually oily, we bought the green apple variant (there is also lemon and berry).

Dumbness quotient: 4/5. Not only is the face wash nowhere close to waking up the user’s skin, it has the consistency of kachcha sugar syrup, so it flows out like nobody’s business when the bottle is tilted. And don’t even get us started on the bursting beads. It took some determined squeezing to get any of the beads to burst, and when they did, our palm was a graveyard of what looked like flattened pieces of green clay. Plus, one bead lodged itself firmly in our fingernail. Grrr.

2. Dove Face Wash
We normally like Dove products, especially their shampoos and conditioners. So we were really confident about their new face wash, considering that their soaps do exactly as they say: ‘Clean the skin without drying it.’ But alas! Whatay shock we were in for.

Dumbness quotient: 5/5. While Clean and Clear face wash made a prat of itself with its bursting beads that did not burst without a fight, Dove went the other extreme with a face wash that stripped our face of every bit of moisture, oil, and we suspect, our epidermis. We came out of the bath looking like heavily botoxed versions of ourselves, our face an endlessly taut expanse of shocked, dry skin.

3. Pepsodent Expert Protection toothpaste
All toothpastes are supposedly the ultimate solution to all dental woes. While one promises to keep your mouth germ-free for 12 hours, never mind that you had a gazillion cups of very sweet coffee in a day, apart from not rinsing your mouth after lunch, another promised to be sugar-free to give you good health (we’re still figuring this one out).

Then Pepsodent came out with a winner. No, they did not replace brand ambassador Shah Rukh Khan with somebody less annoying. They brought out a toothpaste that combined three dental cleaning functions in one tube of superhuman paste: it cleans, flosses (!) and finishes as a mouthwash. Given that it can floss as well, this toothpaste is so intelligent, it can easily be mistaken for a smartphone. This toothpaste is the shit. This toothpaste is the Chuck Norris of toothpastes.

Dumbness quotient: 4/5. Even the ad for this product is dumb. We mean, COME ON. Showing an entire army of people brushing, flossing and using mouthwash to illustrate the ideal sequence of events in oral hygiene is too much. It is presumptious and insulting to the point of being a Rohit Shetty film. Also, we took issue with how the toothpaste knows exactly how to follow this sequence. We mean, what if it flosses before it cleans? Or if it forgets to activate the mouthwash component in it? The paste itself was not bad, but then, it was only glitzier and better packaged than the other Pepsodent toothpastes on sale.

4. Hafele Single Pull Out Electric-Open Waste Bin
What a great idea this is! Nudge it and it opens. Hit it and it opens. Your dog sniffs at it and it opens. Soon, warming up to this game, it opens when you merely look in its direction.

Dumbness quotient: 5/5. We love it! Not. It’s all very well to have your kachre ka dabba let itself be pushed around so blatantly, but it drove us nearly up the wall to have it open even when we were trying to open something else. And, correct us if we’re wrong, but don’t most dog owners spend half their lifetimes thinking up new ways to keep their dogs away from the garbage pail? This product can also divert the most bored child, but do you really want your toddler to be able to get his hands
into garbage that easily? (pic shows the foot pedal variant)

5. Parachute Advansed Hot Oil
This is not a new product, but Parachute has recently started advertising it again in earnest. This oil takes away the effort of actually warming your hair oil before massaging it on to your head. It works on the assumption that friction will cause the oil to warm up and thus seep into the scalp faster.

Dumbness quotient: 5/5. The oil did not warm up at all. Come to think of it, we’ve never heard of self-warming oils. It has a pleasant fragrance, but that’s about it. Disappointed that no warming occurred even after a thorough massage, we gave it a second chance and warmed it over our gas stove and used it twice a week for a month. After all, it contains hibiscus and stuff. After a month of diligent usage, we were still shedding the same amount of hair. After being really excited about using this oil and then finding that it does nothing useful, we gained a new perspective into the story of the Emperor with the new clothes.

The Diarist is a product junkie, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are too. If you’ve noticed any new products worth looking into, write to thediarist@themetrognome.in.

Categories
Big story

14th time lucky

Bombay Gymkhana thrashed usual winners Army Red to win prestigious rugby championship  after 10 years. This was their 14th win.
by The Editors | editor@themetrognome.in

Bombay Gymkhana started the final match of the All India & South Asia Rugby Championship at a crackling pace. And they never let the pace dip, not once. Starting aggressively was the key, and it yielded a wonderful result – Bombay Gymkhana thumped title favourites Army Red 7-0, thus ensuring victory for the first time since 2002.

The match was played at the CCFC Ground, Kolkata, on September 16. The victory was Bombay Gymkhana’s 14th. Army Red have won the Championship five times.

It was set to be a tightly-contested match, and both teams did not disappoint. Bombay Gymkhana hooker Altaf Shaikh scored the first try in the first 15 minutes of the game and built pressure on his opponents, while Rohaan Sethna successfully booted the conversion. At the end of the first half, the score read: Bombay Gym – 7, Army Red – 0.

In the second half, both teams took their game up a notch, but with their tight defence, Bombay Gymkhana was able to hold off the Reds until the 80th minute. At the end of the game, the score had remained  unchanged at 7-0.

Bombay Gymkhana captain Nasser Hussain said, “We played Army Red in the final last year and the year before that, and in the semis in the year before that. We knew what we were up against, and Army Red left no stone unturned to show why they have been champions all these years. We were under tremendous pressure, but it was each team player’s commitment that saw us through.” He added, “This time we had worked very hard for the title, and our ‘attack by backs and defence by forwards’ strategy worked very well. Our forwards did a commendable job in holding the Army’s heavy forward pack for the entire 80 minutes.”

Categories
Watch

‘Jab Tak Hai Jaan’ trailer

We missed seeing the classic Shahrukh Khan spreading-his-arms trick. Everything else is, well, to put it mildly, just about meh.
by The Diarist

Within a day of it being uploaded on Youtube, the trailor of Yash Chopra’s forthcoming film Jab Tak Hai Jaan had garnered 15,533 likes.

We mean, come on!

It’s not like this is about to be very revolutionary in terms of plot and treatment. There’s Shahrukh Khan, romancing two women (both really, really younger than him) and looking quite the dude on a bike with fuzz on his face. We think he needs to put on some weight first, but it was nice to see him after a long while. We have, naturally, blanked out the disaster that was Ra.One. As far as we are concerned, that film did not happen to us at all. *suppresses shudder*

 

Interestingly, nobody in the entire trailor says a single line of dialogue, while Shahrukhbhai mouths off some lovely lines throughout. We were very thrilled with this development. We will probably watch this film with a heavy heart when it releases on November 13, owing mostly to leading lady Katrina Kaif’s presence in it. And while nothing can be done about her being in the actual film, we are about to throw a party over the joyful blessing of not having to hear her say a word in Hindi at least in the promo. May we reiterate at this point that apart from admitting she is really pretty, we have always been flummoxed by the blankness of her on-screen presence?

We’re guessing that in the film, Shahrukh uncle gets jilted by one girl and shacks up with another, the another being Anushka Sharma. We like Anushka a lot, especially how tall she is, and the fact that she is probably playing a news cameraperson (considering how Shahrukh leaps out at her while something explodes just behind them. She is seen holding a camera, which was how we guessed her probable profession.) Meanwhile, Katrina prances about all over the promo looking gorgeous and showing off a pair of toned legs.

Nothing about this promo surprised or stunned us. Well, except for the soundtrack, which is the handiwork of A R Rahman. If we didn’t know who the composer was, we would have guessed Salim Suleiman. Yes, that is a broad hint.

All in all, not being diehard Shahrukh Khan or Yash Chopra fans, we were left cold by this one. We’re not expecting much from the film, either. And no, we’re not ending this piece with a contrived Jab Tak Hai Jaan, Jab Tak Hai Jaan, because we think the film’s title is stupid.

The Diarist is a film junkie, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are too. If you’ve noticed a  new promo or film worth checking out, write to The Diarist at thediarist@themetrognome.in.

 

Categories
Watch

The ‘Talaash’ trailer

Aamir Khan always hugs his projects close to his chest (and probably locks them in his bank vault before release). So it’s nice to see a trailer that actually makes the wait for his next film slightly worthwhile

by The Diarist/ thediarist@themetrognome.in

At the very start, let us say that we liked this promo. No, it’s not a very slick one or anything, but it gives away just enough to hook you.

 

It was also nice to know that Aamir plays a not-so-young (or scrupulous) cop in this one, though we still think he’s a little tiny to convincingly look the part. Also, his moustache enters the room before he does. However, this film seems to be a crime thriller, or at least a serious police drama, so we’re guessing that these obvious anomalies will be forgotten a few minutes into the storytelling.

A film actor’s speeding car crashes into the sea, and obviously, by the time the car is fished out, the man is dead. But is this really an accident? Meanwhile, there are other characters in the background – call girl/escort Rosy (played by Kareena Kapoor, hinting that she can help with the case and then canoodling with the inspector in a hotel room), the inspector’s wife (Rani Mukerji in seen-before victim mould. She plays the wronged wife, from what we gather) and Nawazuddin Siddiqui, who obviously knows something about the case.

We are still a wee bit apprehensive about booking tickets for this film when it releases on November 13, because director Reema Kagti’s first outing, Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd., is a film we still haven’t understood. Of course, Aamir would weed out any ambiguities or elements that displease him in the film, so we’re betting on his sense (read: constant butting into every aspect of the film’s creation) to take this one home safe.

May we add that after the blitzkrieg of Heroine’s promotions, we were thoroughly sick of seeing Kareena’s face, albeit for a few moments only. A similar hailstorm of promotions was not planned around Aiyya, so Rani Mukerji still engaged us. Aamir did not really engage, but at least he’ll have worked hard on the role. What we want to see is Nawaz playing a strong character, on par with Aamir’s (yes, surely we jest) and how his role plays out in the face of all the others.

All in all, we’ll go watch this one with a little trepidation. We hope we won’t be disappointed.

The Diarist is a film junkie, and if you’re reading this, chances are you are too. If you’ve noticed a  new promo or film worth checking out, write to The Diarist at thediarist@themetrognome.in.

 

 

Categories
Places

So I can’t swim, okay?

If you’re not a swimmer, don’t snorkel. I tried it, and returned with ears full of water and mocking laughter.

by The Traveller/thetraveller@themetrognome.in

It was a bright morning, and though it was ridiculously hot, there was also the occasional cooling breeze. I was at Tarkarli, a lovely little village-town nestling with one of the most popular beaches in Sindhudurg, and our cottage owner had arranged for us to go snorkelling.

“But I don’t know how to swim,” I declared the moment the snorkelling guy came into view, but he brushed all objections aside. “Humare log hain na,” he said helpfully, and I thought, Okay, there are people to help, it’s not like I’ll drown. The guy took us on a long walk to a little beach where his boats were stationed and his people ready to roll with the morning’s first snorkelers. In the off-season (we went in February) the man charged us Rs 250 per head for an hour of snorkelling near the Sindhudurg Fort.

First, he guided us to his house, where a changing room had an assortment of swimming trunks and bathing suits in bags. Picking out our swimming regalia, (I’ve always felt legwala bathing costumes are foolish) we hopped on to the boat and went away with four other guys towards the snorkelling site, near the famed Fort. All the men handling these boats are fishermen, and they take up these jobs when they’re not out fishing.

Within minutes, we were there and instructed to insert the breathing tube in our mouths and clap the goggles over our heads. So far, so oh my God. My heart was thumping as I stepped off a little ladder into the blue water, my toes touching the freezing ocean. As my skin goose pimpled and my breath came out in short rasps, the guy helping me down the ladder dropped a bombshell.

“Put your head underwater and come out inside the orange ring,” he said helpfully, and silly me thought that was nothing. But here’s the thing – when I put my head underwater, a large amount of the ocean entered the breathing tube directly into my mouth.

Sputtering, I cleared out my breathing tube and tried again. This time, I felt like I was about to die – the water was so deep, I had no idea how to even keep myself afloat if the guy let to of my hand to scratch his nose, and anyway, all of this was in aid of what? To spot a few stupid fish?

Shaking my head, nose inches away from the water, I said, “No.”

“No?” he said, puzzled. “Are you afraid?”

“Yes,” I said without shame. The shame came moments later when a passing boatload of tourists, who had been interestedly watching my progress into the water, burst into hoots of laughter when I climbed back in the boat and sat there as if cast in stone. I didn’t look around at them, didn’t even scowl. I just reached for my camera and pretended like I had hired a boat on that glorious morning just to take photographs.

Do you have an interesting travel story? Write to thetraveller@themetrognome.in and describe your experience.

 

Categories
Watch

A (c)ode to music

QR Codes have been in use since 1994, but Indian television used them for the first time ever this month.

by Prashant Shankarnarayan | prashant@themetrognome.in

They are on websites, newspapers, tattoos, cornfields and even graves. QR Codes have become ubiquitous since their invention in 1994, but strangely, barring a few exceptions, television has often refused to touch them. And quintessentially, Indian television too has delayed using these codes in its programmes.

But hopefully, that will change post leading music channel 9XM’s successful adaptation of QR Codes on their latest music video,  Taal Pranaam, which released during the Ganpati festivities this year. The Ganesh Chaturthi special video featured Taufiq Qureshi’s band Mumbai Stamp, that explores new rhythmic horizons using trash material like bins, tin boxes, cans and buckets. The QR code on the song is directly linked to the band’s YouTube page.

Considering that it had never been tried by an Indian channel till then, 9XM had its apprehensions about pasting the QR Code on the song but repeated successful tests encouraged them to go ahead with it. This innovation might not stop the debate on whether QR codes are apt for television or not but for now, Indian television has taken that one step forward in further integrating art with technology. The video was shot in-house by the channel and directed by Sunder Venketraman, content head, and it appeared as ‘9XM features Mumbai Stamp’ performing a specially-composed song for Ganesh Chaturthi.

How it works for TV

– The QR code appears on the screen throughout the music video.

– Hold your smartphone in front of the QR code and it will direct you to 9XM’s You Tube page.

(QR code scanners are easily available for downloads free of cost.)

What it did

The QR Code was used 226 times in 10 days, way better than it was expected to do. Said Amar Tidke, senior vice-president and head of content, 9X Media Group, “What we wanted to do was to make the video more accessible and viral through technology, and reach out further to people on this festive occasion.” It did that, what with the video being aired regularly throughout the duration of the festival for 12 days. The video was also heavily promoted across the group’s digital communities.

Prashant Shankarnarayan was a part of the team at 9XM that conceptualised the idea.

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